Saturday, March 19, 2011

Paying with Interest

Someone once said that if you hold back on your grief, you will eventually have to pay and with interest. Well, today has been the day that I've had to pay up. I've been having the nightmares again, that is when I can sleep. When I can't sleep I have the images of that night back. I keep asking myself why now? Then it hit me, I'm finally getting my life in order. I've finally made a conscious decision to live my life and that is exactly what I'm doing. Yes, I have felt a tinge of guilt about doing it without Chris. But, I know that I must move on with my life. I just wish that I could talk with Chris one more time so that I knew that this is what I'm supposed to do. So that I know that he is happy for me. I feel so crazy for even thinking it, let alone putting it in writing.

So why now have the tears been hitting me like a tsunami? Maybe it's the gigantic full moon? I don't know, all I know is that the tears that I have been holding back have hit me hard today. And I can't stop them.

1 comment:

  1. Moving on without the person who validated who we were in the past and who is no longer here to validate who we are becoming isn't easy. Solo decisions can be empowering as well as scary. But with each success and yes, each failure, we learn and we continue to move on. To reflect back on what was, I think is so natural. And to have it trigger tears also natural.
    Be well. Be easy on yourself. Let the tears come when they need release.
    Virtual hugs come your way.