Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Guilty Plans

I've been in a rough place lately. I'm happy that I'm making plans for my future. Yet, I feel this overwhelming feeling of guilt that I'm doing it without Chris. For the first time since December 2009, I'm genuinely happy. But that happiness is overshadowed by guilt. Some nights as I lay in bed I think about Chris and feel sad that he's not here to share in my joy and plans. I'm not just making plans, I'm actually acting out my plans at this point. They are a reality and to be honest, it scares the hell out of me. I'm scared because I'm not sure if this is what I'm supposed to be doing. I know that there is some reason that I was not home that fateful night. I want to believe that this is the reason. I'm scared because I don't know if I can do this alone. I'm scared because I want to know if Chris is happy for me. Underneath my tears, I am so happy. But, I have this profound sadness at the same time. I want to share this joy with the one man that I wanted to share my life with. However, I know that it is impossible. So, I will continue to actively make my plans and follow through with them as I have been doing. I can only hope that Chris is smiling down on me.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sure he is. I didn't know him but from what you've described he would want your life to continue moving forward. For you to be happy. Sometimes we have to fight for happiness; sometimes that fight is with ourselves. Hugs to you.