Monday, February 14, 2011

My Dearest Friends

Last Friday was supposed to be a very good day. It was the day that I started my classes to begin my life again. But, one text message is all that it took to bring that good day to an end. The text message was from one of my best friends telling me to come to her house right now. I didn't get the message for several hours later due to me being in class. I texted her back letting her know that I was in class. Then the important text came next: I won't repeat it exactly, but it was that L was gone.

N and L are my dearest friends. I hadn't known them very long, only slightly longer than a year. But, I had an instant connection to them both. N was one of Chris's closest friends growing up. N contacted me in January of last year and invited me out to lunch with her and L. The day of the luncheon, I almost cancelled. Not because I didn't want to meet them, but because I just wasn't much into meeting people those days, I just didn't have the energy. Hey, it involved getting out of bed before noon. But, I did it. And I am so glad that I did.

They both greeted me with the biggest hugs. And at the end of lunch it felt as if I had known them forever. When they found out that I had gone to court by myself, they offered to go with me the next time. They dropped everything every single court date and went with me. We became so close, so fast. I lost a few of my own friends after Chris passed away, but it was ok because I gained N and L as my new best friends. As the months passed, I found that I would text or call N and L with news before I'd call anyone else. I valued their opinion.

I found that their relationship mirrored Chris and my relationship. N and Chris were identical personalities, and L and I were very close as well. No, we weren't quite identical. I wish that we were. However, she was just a little more outspoken than I was, she had much more spunk than I did.

L was the kindest soul, she cared so much about everyone and everything. She was funny too. I could be crying and she had such a talent to make me smile even in the midst of the biggest crying spell. When I had good news or bad news, I couldn't wait to pick up the phone and tell L. When I needed advice, I turned to L because she was so level headed that she knew exactly what to do. Did I mention how her smile would just light up a room? She was beautiful, inside and out. L is a rare soul that try as you might, you just can't find a bad thing to say about her. I truly adore her and am grateful for her friendship. I couldn't have asked for a better friend. I want more time with her, but will forever be thankful for the time that I did have with her.

I admired her so much, as much as we were alike, she was just a little more of what I wished that I was. I wish that I had told her this. I never did, I never thought that this day would come. Sure, we talked about what if this day came. But never in our wildest dreams did we ever think that it would show up so soon, and so tragically. We were supposed to be friends for a very long time. Something this tragic was not supposed to happen, and it was not supposed to happen to such a good person like L.

Now L has joined Chris in heaven and N is a widow like me. I want to embrace her and tell her that it will be ok. But, I don't want to smother her. Memories of those early days are coming back to me. I remember what it felt like to have everyone around me and feeling like I can't breathe. So, I'm doing the delicate dance of giving her room to breathe and letting her know that I'm here for her when she needs me. I vaguely remember those early days, but as I witness N's heart break, my heart breaks all over again.


  1. Ann,
    I am so sorry that one of your friends has now met us here in this club of widowhood. My thoughts go out to her. I know you will be an extremely important person for her, as you will understand her better than most around her.

  2. When we are grieving and the death of another loved one occurs, I think it brings up memories we thought we had put to bed, or at least to rest for a while. Not easy wanting to be there for your friend and grieving....
    Be good to yourself.
    I am sorry this happened to you and to your friends.