Monday, February 21, 2011

Grief Strikes Again

Losing L has brought up some really bad memories that I'd rather keep buried. I keep trying to suppress the memories, I need to be strong for N. Yet, I find myself crying at night, longing for Chris. Tears well up in my eyes as I write this. How could this have happened? I want to scream, I want to know how this could have happened. I want to know who I'm supposed to run to with my news now? But, this isn't about me, it's about N and helping her heal and deal with her grief.

So, I push my grief behind a door, lock it and throw away the key. I keep telling myself that I have plans now and grief is not a part of my plan. I have already started my classes, my new life is starting. I made plans! I was able to laugh, genuinely laugh. So, I allow it out at night, and only at night; when I'm alone in bed, clutching his pillow as I have on so many lonely nights. I also can't break down in front of N, she needs me to be a strong foundation. If she is leaning on me and I crumble, what happens to her? I can't do that to her. She needs me, this is about her.

Locking away grief is a very difficult thing to do. I read something today and it scared me a bit: "grief is something you pay now, or you pay later with interest." I'm just hoping that I already paid my dues and I can rightfully lock it away without consequence.

1 comment:

  1. A year gone now, my experience is that grief will come out one way or another, and the waves of grief continue. Perhaps at times letting yourself cry with someone who understands and who is herself grieving could be beneficial to you both. After all you do understand....

    Virtual hugs come your way.