Saturday, January 22, 2011

Ocean of Tears

I've been crying a lot lately. A whole lot more than usual. Last night, I was crying so hysterically, I had to take an anxiety pill to calm myself down. I don't know if it was finding his letters and reading them, or what has me in this dark, dark place. But, I don't like it. I am quite used to sobbing myself to sleep while I hold on to his pillow. But, the hysterical crying is getting out of hand. I cry everytime I think of him now. I can't imagine why at 13 months and 2 weeks I am just as bad as when this first happened. When a song comes on the radio that reminds me of him, I cry. When I see his picture, I cry. Even when I have a happy memory, I cry. I am on more medication than when this first happened and I just don't understand why I can't seem to stop crying. I don't even limit my crying to when I'm alone. I've started crying at work again, which is a very bad sign. Those shows and movies that we used to think was so funny, aren't so funny anymore.

I've laughed genuinely exactly once in the past month. And of course, I looked at the empty spot next to me on the sofa and started to cry. He should have been there sharing that laughter with me, and yes, that is exactly what I said.

Maybe I can't seem to let go of this pain because I feel so robbed of my own life. Chris brought so much to my own life that once he was a part of it, I couldn't remember or imagine a life without him. Now, I'm faced with a future that I'm so uncertain of. Chris and I had so many plans for our future, how can I possibly go forward with any of those plans without him? I've thought of plans for my future, but I'm so scared to make them because life is so unfair. I'm so scared to live my life because my life is in ruins right now and I don't know where to begin to put it back together at.

1 comment:

  1. Ann, I'm so heartbroken for you. Wish I could give you more than a virtual hug... and wish I could make it all better. All of it. Since I can't, all I can do is keep sending you love... which I do.