Friday, January 28, 2011

Nie Ma

I've been brushing up on my Polish again, dreaming of the day that I take the trip to Warszawa. Chris promised me that he would take me there. I gave up my dream of taking a class there to be with him. In Polish class if someone wasn't there we would say "Nie ma", which here literally means "there is no". I prefer "on nie jest tutaj" (he isn't here.) But, that's how I feel now, with what I know now. I've been fixated on this for some time now. Thinking about the word "gone" has me fixated too. Because that is what Chris is, he is gone. Chris nie ma. How can that be? How can he be here one minute then "gone" the next? How can one crazy monster just take another man's life especially the way that he did? And for what? Because his girlfriend said Chris flirted with her? Yeah, that's a whole level of crazy that needs to be locked up for the rest of his life. 

Anyway, I think that this fixation on being gone has kept me in the emotional pit for so long. I've come to the realization that he really is gone. I know that I've had this revelation before, but something always happens where I talk myself out of it. I will convince myself that it's merely a dream, a bad dream, a horrible nightmare. But, we all must wake up from our dreams, especially the nightmares. And when I never wake up and realize that it's not a dream, that this is my life, I wonder how can I go on? That is where I am at right now. How can one be happy when such tragedy has left a horrible scar? Żałuję, że nie istnieje!

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