Tuesday, January 11, 2011

A Huge Leap

I finally washed all of Chris's clothes.  For those of you reading this that are not widows you won't understand.  The pain of it is that those clothes were the last things that I had that touched his body.  The last things that held his DNA.  And now there is nothing but memories of when he wore each item.  Even though the memories are good, they still bring tears to my eyes.  I cry because he will never wear those clothes again.  I will never make new memories with him wearing his best in show shirt again.  He will never offer me his favorite sweatshirt when I'm cold.  I will never see him wear his favorite jeans again.

The other significance to washing his clothes is that I did not put them away in his dresser drawers.  I put them away in storage bins.  I gathered the clean clothes from the closet and drawers and put them away as well.  This was another huge leap in acceptance that he is not coming home.  Yes, I have "accepted" it awhile ago.  But, I never really believed it.  This step made it all too real. 

I know that many people think that I should have done this months and months ago, but I did it when I thought I was ready.  After I did it, I realized that I really wasn't ready.  But, what is done is done.  The next step is to let his brother have his clothes.  I'm not quite ready for that step yet.  I'm not ready to let go of him.  I feel that having his "stuff" close to me is the next best thing to having him close to me.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Ann, this is such a hard thing, and yet another step forward! Take your time with the rest. I still have a selection of Bens shirts that I wear when I want to feel close to him and I plan to keep them for a LONG time!