Saturday, January 8, 2011

Baby Steps

I still haven't washed all of Chris's clothes.  I'm too afraid of washing him away.  But, I made a promise to his brother.  I promised that when I was ready to give away his clothes, I would give them to him.  I intend to keep that promise.  But, I'm not ready to let go of Chris just yet.  I know that he's not coming home, and I've accepted it.  But, having his things here is the next best thing to having him with me.  If I can't have him, at least I can have the clothes that touched him.  And I understand that I'm being selfish by keeping him all to myself and I'm sorry for that.  But, I'm trying.  So, I bought a couple of storage bins today to put his clothes in.  And hopefully, I will have the will power to finally wash his clothes.  I will put a few of my favorite pieces of clothes away for myself.  I wear almost all of his "big shirts" and his sweat shirts; so, I will probably keep those.  But, I want to keep a couple of his t-shirts and a dress shirt or two.  And then maybe just a pair of jeans. 

It may not seem like a big deal to even buy two storage bins, but it was a huge deal.  It's another form of acceptance that he truly isn't coming home.  I sat on the couch today and thought "he's gone, how can he just be gone? How can my wonderful husband not be here anymore?"  It's inconceivable.  It's not real, it's not my reality.  This is cannot be my life.  My life should not consist of baby steps like buying storage bins.

2 comments:

  1. I washed Jerry's clothes when he was in the hospital, so sure he'd be coming home to recuperate and so ready to have nice clean clothes waiting for him when he did. Which left me with nothing that had his scent on it when he died. That was a tough, tough thing to deal with.

    It's so hard. I'm so proud of how you're dealing. You may think you're not - but I read such strength in your words. Just getting through each day is a superhuman feat that you're accomplishing.

    Love to you, Ann.

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  2. I haven't been able to even think about taking El's clothes off the hanger yet, so I realize that buying two bins is a huge step. Don't wash the clothes if you don't want to, there isn't a rule book saying thats what you should do. Just do what feels right. Have you considered getting his cloths made into a quilt, you could have one made for his brother also... just a thought. i know another widow who makes beautiful memory quilts. Be gentle with yourself... sending love your way

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