Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Ascending Upward

Well, I guess it's time to fasten my seat belt. I'm back on the roller coaster of grief again. At least this time, I'm ascending upwards out of the pit of despair. I still cried myself to sleep last night; it was more like sobbed myself to sleep last night. I was able to pull out a letter, read a portion of it and when I started to tear up, I simply put it back in the box. I cried for just a little while, but not hysterically. My heart still aches though. I'd imagine that it will not heal fully. I suspect that I will always have this bit of my heart missing, this piece that was pierced with a knife, I will always have a portion of my heart dedicated to Chris that will always ache.

A good widower friend recently reminded me of the quote from Shawshank Redemption: "Get busy living, or get busy dying." I haven't decided exactly where I fit in just yet. I know what I want from life, and I know that I will never have it again. I do have some realistic dreams, but there's always this shadow of sorrow clouding everything that I hope and dream for. Yet, I accept the fact that I have to wait until it is my time to go, like it or not. I don't mope around, but I don't exactly live it up either. It's hard to make decisions when you can't see through the fog. Maybe I'll take my cue from him and get busy living. I have become a master at faking my positive emotions, maybe I can fake my need to get busy living and it will just happen.

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