Thursday, January 13, 2011

Another What If Day...

I keep wondering what would have happened if I would have left work early and I was the one that was killed instead of Chris.  I wonder would he have been able to handle it?  How would he have coped with it? Would he have the strength to survive?  What would he be doing at this very moment?  I have an inkling as to what he would be doing.  I know that he wouldn't be dating.  He would always tell me that no matter what happened to us, he would never marry again.  I believed him.  That is one of the reasons that I don't ever want to date again.  I certainly don't want to ever get married again.  When I say that he was my first love, he was.  I truly never knew what love was until I met him. 

I have an inkling that I know what would have happened to Chris if I walked in on the attack and he survived and I didn't.  He had suffered so much loss in his life, that I don't think that he would have been able to suffer any more loss.  I am barely surviving.  I really, truly never thought that I would live this long.  But, by the grace of God, I have.  Really, it's not because I'm strong, it's because I'm a coward.  It's because I'm too afraid that if I don't survive, I won't be reunited with Chris in the end.  So, I have to put on a brave face every day and face this horrible world alone and just wait it out.

Yeah, I'm having one of those days again...

1 comment:

  1. Ann,
    I can so identify with this post... I so often wished that it would have been me that was shot instead of Elliott. But, then I think about the fact that I love him so much I wouldn't want him to know this pain. As strong as Elliott was I don't know if he could have coped with the loss. Like you I'm barley holding on too. I just think that as women there is something inside us that somehow helps us to keep going. I know exactly what you mean about trying to make sure there is nothing to jeopardize being reunited. We have to take the long road.