Monday, December 19, 2011

His Last Gift

A fellow widow friend put this idea in my head and I just had to share with everyone. The last gift that Chris gave me is probably the most precious of all. You would think that it is some sort of material thing, but it's not. It was the gift of friendship. Through this unfortunate road that I have travelled, I have met some extraordinary men and women that have also lost their spouses. Some of these people, I have formed a very special bond with. It's unfortunate that we have a reason to know each other, but I feel so fortunate to know each and every one of them.

Even though I have only met a fraction of them in person, I am so close to many more. One in particular, I consider one of my best friends. And yet, she lives hundreds of miles away. Others, I seriously consider closer than some of the friends that I had when Chris was still here. We have an unfortuante journey in common, our paths crossed and an incredible bond was formed.

So, even though it was not intentional, he gave me something wonderful. Of course, if I could change the circumstances of us all meeting, I would. But, that is not the reality. So, in order to stop looking at the negative of the situation, I will look at the ONE positive thing that came out of this God awful thing... my widow friends. I love each and every one of them.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Two Years Ago

I can't believe that it's been two years. Two long years! Yet, it seems like just yesterday we were cuddled on the couch laughing and watching tv and I lived in ignorant bliss. I think what's different about this year is that the fog has lifted. I can't hide under the covers anymore. I'm more cognizant of the reality of the "situation." Two years ago, I wanted the world to stop because my beloved Christopher was not in it anymore. Today, I realize that the world will keep spinning and life continues. So, I have made it my quest to live each day to it's fullest, especially since Chris was robbed of his future. I don't hide from the world anymore. I can actually say that I am living and not just existing anymore. And, I have made major plans for my future. (Whether they come to fruition or not, is yet to be seen.)

Today was still a hard day for me. I managed to wake up at a decent time and get up out of bed to tackle my day. Although, I still found myself sitting in front of the tv/computer/nothing and suddenly I felt tears rolling down my cheeks. I hadn't even realized that I was crying. It's so hard to not remember only the good times that we had (he wasn't perfect, but he was perfect for me) and to wish beyond hope that he will return to me. Yet, I know that it is not going to happen. I do feel that he is with me wherever I go and whatever I do. But, I long to hold him, kiss him and look into his beautiful brown eyes while I tell him that I love him. I just know that will not happen. 

Just because my world ended on December 9, 2009 doesn't mean that the rest of the world ended along with it. I can say without a doubt that just because he is not with us today, does not mean that my love has waned one iota. Can it be possible that I love him even more today than the day that we were married? Yes, I think it is. I feel so much love for him it hurts. I can only imagine how terrified he must have been two years ago. Yet, I know that he was brave. He held on to life long enough to say his goodbyes to me. And now, I need to be just as brave to face this world without him.

I have asked all of my friends and family to light a candle for Chris. So, please join us and light a candle for my wonderful, beautiful husband. You can even light a virtual candle here.

Monday, December 5, 2011

The grave

I went to the grave today to put the wreath on it. I hate going to the cemetery. I know that he's not there and it just breaks me heart to see our names on the headstone. It shouldn't be this way. Young people aren't supposed to pass away. He wasn't supposed to pass away. It's just not right. I wasn't supposed to bury my husband at such a young age. He is supposed to be here with me celebrating the holidays. It's just not fair.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Hanging By a Thread

I made it through Thanksgiving day with little to no tears. I spent it with my family. Even though it was a very happy environment, for me it was very somber. I know that I've mentioned that Thanksgiving day 2009 was our last holiday together. I couldn't help but think about that wonderful day, how happy we were that day. Then my thoughts wandered to thinking about how we would be on this Thanksgiving day. It's tough not to think about what could have been.

But, today is a new day. The next week and a half is going to be very difficult for me. I really thought that the nightly crying was behind me. But, something stirred up the old grief monster and here I am at night crying, wishing that he were at my side. I know that he will never be here physically again, but somedays, I just wish that this was all a bad, bad dream. And as much as I want to be with him, I know that it is not my time yet. I have a purpose in this life. I think I know what that purpose is supposed to be. So, I've been working and fretting about this life plan and my goals that I need to accomplish it.

I have a feeling that in the next couple of weeks, I will know if this one important plan is going to blossom, or if it is going to fizzle out. If it blossoms, then I will know that I am correct in my planning and will actually be able to exhale for a minute. I will know that I am going to do something wonderful with my life. However, my fear is that it might fall apart. I have no idea which way it is going to go. I should have known more by now, but there was a small glitch and things had to be postponed. I will fulfill one more aspect of completing this goal tonight. And hopefully things will go as planned and I will once again be on track to completing this.

In the meantime, I feel as if I am just hanging by a thread because my nerves are on full alert. I am putting on a brave face to get these thing accomplished, yet I just want to fall apart and spend entire days in bed. But, I know what I need to do. So, I am making myself stronger by forcing myself to face my days head on. I'm masking my pain to those that don't need to know about it. And I'm unleashing my tears on those that lend me their shoulders. Hopefully, in a week's time, I can let out a sigh of relief that things are going as planned.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Counting My Blessings

Thanksgiving of 2009 was the last holiday that I spend with Chris. We hosted my side of the family and yes, he even helped cook. Chris was a wonderful cook. I loved that Thanksgiving day. I loved being in the kitchen with him cooking. I especially loved it when he would come up behind me, hug me, and kiss me. I was thankful for my life, for our lives and the life that we were building together. I miss him more than ever today. But, I am so thankful that he was a part of my life. Because of him, I have a whole new family in addition to my own. And I absolutely love them all. I consider his grandmother my own grandmother. I call all of his aunts and uncles "aunt" and "uncle" because that is what I consider them. I don't consider them in-laws. I also feel so glad to have another brother. His brother is a wonderful, wonderful person. They have welcomed me into their family and never abandoned me when Chris passed away. For that, I am so grateful and feel so blessed. The only regret that I have is that Chris could see the relationship that I have built with his family.

I am also so very blessed to have my own family. My father has been so wonderful to me this year. He has supported me in my goals and plans and even sat with me in some classes that I needed to take. Of course, my mother and I are close. I can't go more than a couple of days without talking to her. Who would have thought that we would have this relationship 20 years ago? I love my parents and feel like the most blessed person on earth because of them. I can't leave out my brothers and nephews and sister in law either.

 I am so very thankful for all of my friends. I have one particular friend that I have become closer to over this past year because of the loss of our husbands. I truly wish that we would have met under different circumstances, but unfortunately life is not fair. I have several widow friends that I have met since 2009 and I am so thankful for each and every one. I do not think that I would have survived in one piece without them. Of course I am so very thankful for all of my friends, I have too many to list who and why. Just know that each and every one of you hold a special place in my heart for a special reason.

Lastly, I am so very thankful for those people that have been supporting me and helping me complete my goals for my life. Even those that are doing nothing but praying for me, I want to thank you. My life may have been in shambles after Chris passed away. However, if it weren't for the love and support of all the people in my life, I wouldn't be able to rebuild and complete this one special goal that I have right now. I am truly blessed. So, on this Thanksgiving day, I am not going to look at what I have lost. I am going to look at what Chris has brought to my life.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

My Progresss

I had to take a break from writing lately. Not that I didn't have anything to say. I always have something to say. It's just that I felt that things were a bit too personal to share with the world. So, now that I'm back and in a sharing mood...

I'm feeling better about releasing some of my anger towards the monsters girlfriend. I've been working on it. I can honestly say that I don't feel very many emotions when I drive past her house anymore. I hardly even notice it. It has been a long road to get me here, and it's still a work in progress. I do think in my heart that if she knew what he was going to do, she would not have said anything. So, I think I have released my anger towards her. I almost feel sorry for her if she is still in love with him. I don't know what her feelings are towards him, but I heard that she proclaimed her love for him during his trial. And I genuinely feel sorry for her. How can you knowingly give your heart to someone that you know did this?

And it seems that my plans are once again back on track. It's looking like I've found someone possibly to help me with my goal. Which is wonderful. It's also much, much sooner that I had anticipated. So, things are going to have to get moving at a quicker pace. If things go as I think that they are, I might have them in place by the end of the year. I'm actually astounded by that!!! I have one more thing to do on my end and I guess all that I can do after that is breathe and pray. I will be doing a lot of praying.

I did hit a bit of a down spell. November 2 was to be our 4th wedding anniversary. I really didn't acknowledge it. I didn't want to subject myself to the crying and the pain if it wasn't necessary. So, I tried to treat it as just another day. However, I am finding that as the holidays are creeping up, my moods are slowly fluctuating downward. Especially towards Thanksgiving. The last Thanksgiving that Chris was alive, we hosted the dinner for our family. I was going to have my family over again this year. But, I had to back out because the memories are just too painful. I opted to help my dad prepare dinner at my parent's house instead.

I can't say how I will feel once December 8th arrives. I suspect that I will be in a very somber mood. Which is fine and expected. However, I also expect to hear more about the progress of my goals right around that time too. So my mood could be lifted or dumped right in the gutter. But, as always with grief, who knows how one will feel even an hour from now let alone a few weeks from now?

Friday, November 4, 2011

Project Grief

I'm thinking that grief is a lot like Project Runway. One day you're in/up and one day you're out/down. I've been in a funk and suddenly I'm not. Things were looking bleak, then I just suddenly got it in my head that I can do this. I'm taking Tim Gunn's advice and I can make this work. Every thing will be OK. I am trying my best to keep things on a positive note. I hate the ups and downs that come with grief. Yes, even at 23 months, I still have the highs and lows that come with grieving. I still miss Chris on a daily basis.

The highs and lows aren't as extreme as they once were. But, they are still there. I suspect that I will always have them, as I will always miss Chris. I am just trying to keep my sanity and keep my emotions from running rampant. I think that I've been doing much better. But, every so often, I get hit with grief. And, even though I hate them, it's OK because I expect them and am actually getting used to them now.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

I Know That It's Not All About Me

Its almost the dreaded three am and my pillow is severely tear stained. Since it is officially November 1, tomorrow is our fourth wedding anniversary. Or at least it would have been. I miss Chris terribly still. I can't help but feel like I'm being punished by being the lonely widow left behind. I must have committed some serious sins to have to live this life. I still feel like things are slowly falling apart beneath me. Ever since I lost Chris, it's been so hard to hold out hope that anything positive will happen again. I tried. But, it started to fall through, now I'm afraid that it's going to collapse. It seemed like life was so much easier when I was living in ignorance of death.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

A Bad Widow

Sometimes I think that I'm a bad widow because I don't count the days or months since Chris has passed away. When I am asked, I really have to think about it. I don't sulk on every Tuesday or Wednesday. I'm not even sure if I should mourn on Tuesday or Wednesday since he passed away just after midnight on a Wednesday. I know that technically it is a Wednesday, but he was attacked on Tuesday and everything just kind of melded together that night that I considered it Tuesday.

Then there's the date. I don't suffer from anxiety on every 8th or 9th of each month. Some days, I don't even realize that it is the 8th or the 9th. And when I do, Chris' passing doesn't immediately come to mind. In my opinion, I hate the idea of counting the days since he passed. Because it just brings sadness to realize that more days are passing without him. Time is moving forward and it's going to continue to do so. There is nothing that I can do to stop it. So, why recognize it? Why further acknowledge that my life moves forward and his does not? Does that make me a bad widow because I refuse to keep a running tally of how much time has passed?

Thursday, October 6, 2011

The Ups and Downs of Widowhood

One day you're up and the next day you're down. That's just the way that it goes, especially when you're a widow. You can't help it. I've made my plans, set my goals and started acting on them. Life has been good to me the past few months. I have thus far been pleased with the way that things were going. Yesterday, I couldn't have been happier with the way that my goals were being met. Then I had a set back today. There are other people involved in my final goal and I just found out that two of the people that I had envisioned me finishing my goal with won't be able to make it with me. While I am very happy for them because they have another option, I am disappointed for myself. But, such is life. I have learned that life certainly does not go according to the plans that I have made. And I can't wallow in my self pity.

So, I took a deep breath, said that I was genuinely happy for these two and continued with my plans. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I got out of bed, actually put on some make-up and went on with my day as planned. I learned with Chris's passing that life is certainly not fair and does not go as you have mapped it out. I have learned that God may not be cruel, but he certainly likes to throw you some curve balls and make it interesting. Maybe this was a good thing. This may not have been what was meant for me at this time. But, I am holding out hope that the right person or persons will come into my life to complete my goals. One thing is certain, I will not give up my faith. I know that in time it will happen. It just wasn't meant to be with these two right now.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Whew!!

So glad that yesterday is over. It was a big, big, big step towards moving forward in living. I can't believe that I'm doing this without Chris. It's hard to fathom my life without him. But, unfortunately, that is my reality and I must at some point begin to live my life again. And that is precisely what I am attempting to do. No, I am living. I am no longer just existing. I am no longer just planning my life. I am actually putting those goals in motion.

I can't believe that I made it through yesterday with no tears. OK, so tears welled up in my eyes as I talked about Chris. But, at the same time, when I spoke of him, I had a huge smile on my face! I'm going to try to stay positive, but as I've learned that nothing in life is guaranteed. There are so many factors that can influence this chapter of my life, I don't know what the outcome will be. All that I can do right now is stay positive and focused on my future. I will say that even though I'm an optimist with everyone else, I tend to be a pessimist with myself. I've learned to prepare for the worst, but hope for the best. So, that is exactly what I am doing right now. All that I've prepared myself for in the event that this falls through is that it just wasn't the right time or it wasn't the right thing for me. Of course, I'm hoping that the outcome will be more positive and I can report that I have good news!

In the meantime, I will wait. I've been waiting many months just to get to this point. I am willing to wait as long as necessary. I've also learned that there are definitely things in life that are worth waiting for and this is one of those things!

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Every Day is a New Day

Every day brings with it a new emotion. For the past few months, I have been on a roller coaster ride of emotions. One day, I will wake up happy and so happy to be alive. The very next day, I will throw my covers over my head and vow not to get out of bed. Yet, for the past few days my emotions have been consistantly in the "good" range for a change. I've even been sleeping better. I've had a few bumps in the night, but nothing worth writing about. So, why this new attitude you might ask? It's because every day brings me closer to my goal. I've finally gotten my appointment that I've been waiting months and months for. And my plans are once again being put into action. I still have my moments where I get sad because Chris isn't here to share in this new life that I am living. But, I know that he isn't too far away. I also know that he is smiling down on me because I am making an effort to actively live my life again. This may not have been the life that I planned on living, but this is the life that I am being forced to live. So, I am making the best of it. I am embracing each new day and thankful for each one that I am blessed with.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is something that has been on my mind lately. I don't know where it's come from. Maybe because I have to drive past the girlfriends house every single day and my anger wells up. I know in my heart that she said something to set this monster off and as a result he did what he did. I want to forgive her, but it's hard. I would like to think that if she knew that her monster boyfriend was going to do what he did, she wouldn't have said anything. I heard her with my own ears say in the Dearborn courts that she told him that Chris flirted with her. Was that what set him off? Jealousy? Chris was a very handsome man. So was this monster (I abhor even looking at his name) so jealous that Chris was friendly with his girlfriend that he had to torture and murder Chris? His lawyer and his family try to say that they were "friends", yet if he was truly Chris's friend, he would know that being friendly was just who Chris was; he didn't mean anything other than to be friendly. Besides, who would do what he did to a friend?

That brings me to forgiving him. The judge talked to me about being Christian and forgiveness. This is something that I have struggled with since the day that it happened. I just can't bring myself to forgive him. I have talked about it until I am blue in the face with two priests, my therapist and another preacher. The conclusion is that I don't have to forgive him. I am human and what I am feeling is OK. I can, and will, leave the forgiveness up to God. All that I can do is try to forget about him. But, that doesn't even work because he is the reason that my beloved isn't here anymore. And how could I ever forgive him for that?

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Anxiety and Sleep Deprivation

Lately, I have problems falling asleep due to anxiety. I keep obsessing on the moment that Chris passed away. I relive that night now more than ever. Then my anxiety starts to go up and I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. It's God awful to feel that way. Then I am convinced that something is wrong with me. My father had his first heart attack at the age of 40. For years, I was convinced that I wouldn't live to see my 41st birthday. So when I feel my heart pounding and my breaths getting shorter and shorter, I'm convinced that something more than just anxiety is wrong. Then I feel silly, but I still can't sleep and the anxiety doesn't lessen.

I don't know why I've been obsessing though. I don't watch any TV shows before bed anymore. I used to be able to watch any show, including gory horror movies, and not think about the actual person being killed. Now, I have to turn away whenever someone dies, even if it is not violent; but especially if it is violent. I just can't bear to watch it, I actually feel something for the people dying.

So, night after night, I spend hours trying to sleep and trying not to think of what happened to my beloved Christopher. When I do finally fall asleep, I have horrible nightmares. Which, I'm sure isn't surprising in the least. Is it too much to ask that I have at least one peaceful night?

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Phoebe and Lefty

I got Phoebe from a roommate about 15 years ago. She was so small and fluffy, she fit right in the palm of my hand. What I remember the most about her when we first got her was that she loved to play with feet. Oh and she hated the smell of peppermint. So, when she would attack our feet, we would put the peppermint foot cream on our feet and she would run. She loved to cuddle all the time. She was such a wonderful cat.

Lefty has a bit of a story. About 12 years ago, I was living in an apartment building and the handyman had asked if I wanted another cat. I told him "not really, why?" He'd said that someone moved out of their apartment and left her behind and she was pregnant. He told me that everyone wanted the kittens, but nobody wanted the cat and his wife wouldn't let him keep her. How could I say no? He named her "Lefty" because she was "left behind". I loved her the minute that I saw her. She loved to cuddle even more than Phoebe did.

When I got my first dog, Brutus, a minpin, Phoebe did not like her. That was her house and she wasn't going to let some dog take over. When I would play fight with Brutus, she would run up and start swatting him to leave me alone! Brutus was so afraid of her that if she was sitting at the bottom of the stairs, he wouldn't go down the stairs. Then I got Babette, the sweet Papillion. She was curious about Phoebe and stuck her nose in Phoebe's face. Well, Phoebe didn't like that and so she swatted her and made her cry. That's all it took for Brutus, he didn't like that at all and he went after Phoebe. Ever since that day I could not get the cats and the dogs to get along. Once I came home from work and Phoebe's tail looked like a lions tail because all the fur was missing except a fluff at the top. The dogs had attacked her while I was at work. It seemed that Lefty always had a patch of fur that was missing.

Chris was a miracle worker, he would sit on the couch with the cats on one side of him and the dogs on the other. I don't know how he did it, but he could get them all four in the same room and they wouldn't fight. Something that I'd never been able to do. When Chris passed away, I had to make a decision. Do I keep the dogs or the cats? My cousin took the cats for me. Eventually, a mutual friend took Phoebe. Lefty stayed with my cousin.

Saturday, my cousin called and told me that Lefty was sick. She wanted to know what vet I took her to. The vet told her to take her to the emergency clinic. She was off to work and I told her that I would do it for her. I never dreamed what would happen next. The vet took one look at her and said that she was a very sick cat. She said that cat's are very good at hiding when they are sick, but she was in liver failure. She speculated that she actually had liver cancer and the prognosis wasn't good. I told them to put her down. Great start to my weekend!!

Well today, my friend told me that she needed to take Phoebe to the Humane Society because she stopped using the litter box. She asked me if I wanted to take her back first. But, I couldn't. She's old and the dogs would fight with her. It just wouldn't be fair to her to bring her home when she would spend the rest of her life afraid of the dogs and living alone in the basement only to come up when the dogs weren't around. So, I decided to meet them up at the Humane Society. Great ending to my weekend!!!

Just because I had to give the cats away doesn't mean that I didn't love them. I cried nearly all weekend. I wanted so badly to say that I was going to take Phoebe home instead of leaving her there today. But, like I said, it wouldn't have been fair to her. She lived a good life, they both did. And I know that the last 21 months of their lives were good. I just can't believe that they are both gone now.

Monday, August 29, 2011

The 4 'S' Triggers

I don't break down everyday anymore. However, I've noticed that there is something every single day that makes me think of him and cause the disbelief to rise up to the surface. Some days and some triggers are more hurtful than others. But, each one brings a bit of sorrow with it. No matter how my day is going, one of these triggers can halt me in my tracks and throw me down.

Songs - Chris was so big into music. There are certain songs that instantly remind me of him. Even new songs that he never heard can bring me crashing down. It brings great sorrow to hear a song that I just know that he would have loved and will never be able to hear. There are other songs that he would play for me that bring back a certain memory, and of course that will cause me even more longing for him.

Smells - I hate cigarettes. Chris smoked and even though I objected, I never lectured him about it; just about the smoking in the house and around his son. But, I once told my therapist that if I suddenly smelled cigarettes out of nowhere, I would know that he was near me. Lo and behold, I started smelling cigarettes that very night. The scent was so strong Christmas of 2009, that my brother got into my car and asked me when I'd started smoking. And of course when I smell his cologne I am reminded that he will never spritz that scent on ever again.

Sunshine - I love a nice warm sunny day. But, I am also saddened by them as well. I am saddened because I will start to think what a beautiful day it is to be alive and then I remember that Chris isn't here to enjoy those beautiful days with me. It's a guarantee that any sunny day, he'd be outside doing something, no matter how hot it got. Beautiful sunny days bring about mixed emotions.

Storms - I also love a good storm at night, so did Chris. He would go out on the porch and I would follow. Then after he'd smoke a cigarette or two, we'd go to bed and just cuddle listening to the thunder. As the lightening lit up the room, I could see him smiling at me. Storms cause me the most grief now because I lay in bed alone and just think about him and the haunting events of his last night here.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Grief Attack

Something once again triggered the "I can't believe that he's gone" reaction in me this week. Yes, I know that he just had a birthday. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being so stressed out, I'm sick. I'm tired of being tired. I miss him, I know that I will always miss him. But, I wonder when will the day come around where I no longer am in disbelief? I haven't had an attack of grief in so long that was this painful. I am in no way "over it" or "moving on". I just have been able to accept that he isn't here and that he isn't coming home and move past it. But, his birthday really set me over the edge this week. Every night as I drive home from work, I can't help but remember that night. I've reverted back to "why couldn't I save him" mode.

The only good thing that has come out of it is that I'm actually sleeping. I'm still waking up in the middle of the night from some awful dreams. But, in the morning, I've managed to get a full nights rest. Nobody said that life was fair, but what happened to Chris is well beyond unfair. At almost 21 months, I am still haunted by that night. So, I'm doing the best that I can this week to keep my head up. It's been hard, but I firmly believe that I'm here for a purpose and I'm trying my best to live up to it.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Happy Birthday Christopher

Today would have been Chris's 33rd birthday. I celebrated last night with his family and my family. After everyone left, I couldn't help but wonder what would we be doing. I fell asleep holding his pillow tight against my body. I wished that he were still alive. He did not deserve this. We wanted our happily ever after and all we got was two years, one month, and one week. We will never celebrate another birthday again. He should have celebrated his 33rd birthday today; instead, he is forever 31. Happy birthday kochanie!

Monday, August 15, 2011

Even Though...

Even though there are such good things happening in my life right now, I'm ready for Chris to come home. I miss him so much. The weather has been so beautiful, it makes me long for the days that we would sit on the porch and just talk about growing old together. I really miss sitting on the porch with him. Just sitting there talking about our plans, our goals, and our dreams. Our dreams has been replaced by my dreams. Our goals are now just my goals. While I still strive for them, I miss him.

Even though I have some big plans and goals for my future, I would set them aside to have him back in my arms. I want our goals back. I want to plan our future together. Make all of our silly little daily plans while sitting on the porch in the morning sipping on our coffee. I still can't sit on the porch anymore. Maybe someday, I will have to make that another one of my goals.

Even though I am very content with my life as it is today, I would gladly throw it away to have my old life with Chris back. Even the worst day with Chris was better than the best day of widowhood. I say that because there seems to be a black cloud surrounding my happiness. It can be diminished so easily when I remember exactly how brutally he was taken from this world. It's so hard to live in a world where that kind of violence is actually your reality, not something on TV.

Even though I am very happy today, I know that I would be much happier if Chris were still here.

Friday, August 12, 2011

A Great Day to Be Alive

The weather has been absolutely lovely the past couple of days. And as I was driving today, I thought to myself what a wonderful day it was to be alive. I naturally looked at the passenger seat to tell Chris how much I love him, and what a great day it was. But, of course, he wasn't there. At least not that I could see. Then, I finally got a phone call today that I've been waiting months for. Apparently, there was a huge misunderstanding and that is why it has taken so long for me to hear back from them. I am giddy right now. The first person that I wanted to tell the news to was Chris.

It's funny how when I get news I still want to tell Chris first. In that moment of glee, I temporarily forget that he's not here. Yet, on days like today, I can't help but think that he's still around me and knows the good news. I like to think that he's surrounding me with love and smiling down upon me. When the weather is beautiful outside, I feel a little more at peace with what has happened. Don't get me wrong, I will always be haunted by how Chris left this world. But, somedays, I can be at peace that he is with God.

Even though I have tears in my eyes, it doesn't necessarily mean that I am sad. It means that while I miss Chris, I have accepted this new life and have to push forward. I am doing my best to live to my potential. I am doing my best to enjoy my life.

Monday, August 8, 2011

"Not Everybody Has a Heart"

There has been some things said about me throughout the course of my widowhood; some nasty things that I do not care to repeat. I cannot wrap my brain around why someone or multiple people could be so cruel to a widow. I had already lost so much and to top it off witnessed the horrors of it. I've kept my dignity and all but my letter to the anonymous commenter here, I have pretty much kept my comments to myself. I don't feel that I need to defend myself. I know that I have done nothing wrong and those that matter to me also know that I have done nothing wrong. If someone chooses to believe lies about me then that person obviously means nothing to me. A friend of mine wrote on FB the other day:

Sometimes you have to remind yourself not everybody has a heart, everybody isn't your friend and search deep within and remember you are so much better than you give yourself credit for. Forgive those that hurt you, pray for the ones that hate you and love the ones that deserve you.
I haven't seen or heard such profound words in such a long time. It gave me a sense of peace actually. I took those words very seriously and took them to heart. I have kept those rude people in my prayers. I have always struggled with forgiveness, so it is hard for me to forgive all but the smallest of transgressions except when my forgiveness is asked for. So, forgiveness my not be forthcoming, but prayers are given freely.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Thoughts Exploding Within Me

I was thinking today about this raw emptiness that sits in my stomach. It's there all the time. Whether I'm happy or not. It's always there. It wrenches at my gut, it claws at my insides. Unless you've lost your spouse, I doubt that you know what this feeling is like. There's this constant feeling that something is missing. It causes anxiety to creep up sometimes. Sometimes I can suppress the anxiety, sometimes I can't.

The world keeps spinning and everybody's lives keep moving on; all the while my world is crumbling down. I keep building my life, living my life to it's full potential, and put on this fake smile. Yet inside, I feel helpless. I feel like I'm going to explode. I haven't been able to sleep the past 3 nights. Thankfully, I've been able to get in a couple hours naps during the day. But, as I lay awake at night, my thoughts wander naturally to Chris and what our life would be like. I do think about my future and about the plans that I have set in motion. I wonder if I'm making the right decisions. I wonder what Chris thinks about them. I know how my family and his family feels about them, and I would like to think that he would be happy for me also. But, I can't help but be a little sad that my world is spinning and moving forward without him.

I can only hope that one day this anxiety pit in my stomach will ease up. I suspect that part of it is because I am making plans without Chris and that when those plans finally go through, the GM will ease up.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Living Life to It's Potential

I truly believe that I am alive for a reason. I tried to leave work early that night but I was stopped by a co-worker. If I would have left, I would have walked right in the middle of the attack. I can't say for sure if I would have saved Chris or would have been killed myself. So, I believe that I'm here for a reason. And I've made plans for my future. I have decided that I am going to start living my life to it's potential.

I believe that my life was saved. And I can't waste my life. I saw to it that Chris received the justice that he deserved. Then I thought to myself "now what?" To be quite honest with you, for months, all I could think about was joining Chris. I couldn't see that my life had somehow been spared. All I could see was that I had let him down. I couldn't get past the feeling that I didn't save him. Now, I see a different perspective. I am grateful to be alive. I see how wonderful life is. I wish every day and night that Chris was here to share this life with me, but I know that I have to live for the both of us. So, I have decided that starting today I am going to live my life to the fullest. I am going to live my life to it's potential. There will not be anymore glass half empty thinking.

Monday, July 25, 2011

A Letter to Chris

Kochanie,

I need you so badly right now. The hurt that I feel is so intense. I don't know why this world is so cruel, but it is. You were taken from us way too soon, and I'm here dealing with the aftermath. I know in my heart that if you were still here things would be different. My life would be drastically different. My life was so much better when you were a part of it. Nobody can take that away from me. Nobody can take my wonderful memories away. I know that our love is true, and nobody can take that away from us. I never have a doubt about it either, your love is forever branded on me. Your love has been tattooed on my body, in my heart and around my soul. Your smile could make all my worries go away. Oh how I wish that I could see that smile again today. I know how you felt about your smile, which is why I loved it even more when you smiled at me. Your delicate touch could take me from this world into a world of our own. I would give just about anything to feel your touch just once more.

It's been just over 19 months and it feels like yesterday that you were so brutally taken from me. I still love you as much as I did that day. I love you more than I loved you the day that we were married. My love for you grew with each day that we were together. There are no guarantees in life, but I'm pretty sure that if he hadn't decided to walk to our house that night, or any other night for that matter, we would be so happy today. I can only imagine what our life would be like. But, instead of living today, I mourn. As you know, some days are better than others. Today just happens to be a down day where I especially miss you. So, my heart is heavy and it hurts. It's just a cruel world that we live in.

kocham cię bardzo,
Ann

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Anxiety

I hate when I have an anxiety attack. I hate when it comes out of the blue, especially during a meeting at work. The tightness in my chest is like an elephant is sitting square on my sternum; I can't breathe. It hurts when I try. My hands tremble. My voice quivers. Then I start to wonder what is causing this, well I know it has something to do with Chris. It always has something to do with Chris these days. Whether it be missing him, flashbacks, or something else related. It's always because of what happened to Chris. (Today it was the mention of a car show.) Then the more that I think about it, the worse that it gets. How could something so terrible happen to someone so wonderful? Chris was far from perfect, but he was perfect to and for me. He was most definitely a wonderful person with a golden soul.

The thoughts of what happened to him haunt me day and night still. I think what I hate the most are the anxiety attacks that I'm experiencing right now. I can't do anything to stop them and I can't do anything to prevent them. I can't take any medication for them while I'm working, so I just have to ride it out and hope that it gets better soon.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Wondering...

Everyday I can't help it, but I wonder "what would Chris and I be doing today?" I know that he would be so happy that I managed to plant some flowers, that they are blooming and that they are still alive, even in this heat!! I also have managed to keep the flowers and plants alive on the porch. I had a garden last year, but I opted not to do it again this year. I did it last year because Chris wanted a garden; so I honored him by planting a huge vegetable garden. I just didn't find the time to go to the store and get the plants (except for some potted ones for the porch and some clematis) and certainly didn't find the time to plant that much. It was overwhelming last year. I need to take lessons from my mom about gardening, I don't have a green thumb at all. However, I managed to keep the garden all year, but it was emotionally a struggle. It was hard because I thought of Chris and how he wanted a vegetable garden and he never got to have one. That's why I did it. I suspect that I didn't find the time to get the plants was because the emotional toll was too great.

Last year, I was numb. I was still in that fog and hoping that he was going to come home. Last summer I was dealing with the trial, hoping and wishing that it was all a dream. Things are a bit clearer this year. I have long ago realized that he's not coming home. That realization makes things so difficult to bear. You would think that at 19 months in this journey, I would be getting used to it. But, I'm still learning how to live. I'm still learning how to cope. I'm not numb anymore, I know that this is not a dream, and I know that I cannot wish for him to come home. All that I can do is wonder what we would be doing today.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Grief is a Fickle Bitch

Did I mention how much I hate grief yet? I hate the ups and downs that come along with grief. I can be on top of the world and all that it can take is one small comment or thing that can push me right off the edge. To top everything off, I'm experiencing some God awful physical side effects of the grief. (At least that's what I'm attributing my symptoms to.) For the most part, I'm OK. I've been happy, not overly happy. But, I haven't been overly sad either. I guess that you could say that I've been content with my life. The bad has been cancelled out by the good and it's been an even trade. I really should be happier, but there's the missing Chris and the nightmares (yes still) that are keeping me down. I know that I will forever miss Chris. But, will I ever get over this profound sadness?

I've been feeling ill lately. For the most part, all of my life I've been pretty healthy. My symptoms are so scary that I almost went to the ER in the middle of the night. Then it hit me, with the way that I was feeling, I shouldn't be driving. And there it was...one more reason that I missed Chris. Who would take me to the hospital during an emergency? But then again, I think that my symptoms are being brought on my grief because I've read that it can manifest itself physically. I can't say why now all of a sudden it's getting worse physically, but I do think that it's grief (and PTSD) related. I think that if Chris were still alive, I wouldn't have these symptoms and I would be just fine.

So, grief likes to play little games with our minds and bodies. I want off this damn roller coaster ride! There are so many good things in my life that are being overshadowed right now by grief. STILL!! So, I go to therapy, I see my doctor, and I talk with my priest. What else can I do? It follows me everywhere, everywhere I look I am reminded that Chris isn't here. Yes, everywhere I go and every thing that I do I am reminded that Chris isn't here and that brings pain. I've long ago accepted that Chris isn't coming back, and I'm trying to live my life in a way that would make him proud of me. But, there are days when it's just hard to live a happy life because of the way that his life ended. I do anticipate being happy one day; it's going to take a long fight, but that's one fight that I'm committed to fighting to the bitter end!

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Great Feeling

I woke up the day after my 41st birthday feeling like a new woman. I don't know if it was finally going back to my old therapist, the new things, or all the wonderful people in my life. But, I feel great. I finally didn't feel like a fat blob. I was finally able to look into the mirror and not see a fat girl looking back at me!! For the first time in my life, I might add!!! Yes, I've been thin before, but I've always seen a fat girl. But not that morning. And, I had no tears (well, maybe a few sobs). I'm finally back to where I should be, ok almost back to where I should be I'm making progress to get there. I've got my plans back on track and my life is getting back in order. I took a short detour for a couple of weeks, but I look great and I feel great. I couldn't ask for anything more. Well, having Chris back would be the ultimate, but I know that isn't possible so this is the next best thing.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Happy Birthday To Me

Well, I'm officially over the hill now. I've crossed that threshold and Chris still isn't here to celebrate with me. Hopefully, my tears will go away tomorrow. I know that they will be here to stay today because I still miss him. I miss everything about him, even his stupid smoking. If I could have him back, I would even let him smoke in the house! But, I know the reality is that he's never coming home. So, I'm going to let the tears flow today because "it's my party and I'll cry if I want to." If I could, I would just stay in bed all day, but I scheduled two doctor's appointments for myself to keep me busy and distracted. Hopefully, I'll keep the tears away while I'm out, but who cares while I'm at work? And as Chris used to always say "F**k it, tomorrow is another day." I'll let the tears flow today and worry about tomorrow when it comes.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Hide and Seek

I think that lately I've been playing a game of hide and seek with the grief monster. I've been running from it, but it seems to catch me. I've been hiding from it, but it seems to find me. It's been just over 18 months for me and just over a year since I've been blogging about my loss and how it's affected me. It's been one heck of a road that I've travelled. I've come so far, yet I feel some days that I've stalled at the starting line.

I've fired my therapist because she just plain and simple wasn't helping me. I found her to be more of a hindrance and I have been more unhappy these past few months. And food has become my best friend. Luckily, I have made arrangements with my insurance and I will be seeing my old therapist from when Chris passed away. I feel more comfortable with her than anyone else and I know that things will get back on track. I actually feel slightly better, at least with the eating, knowing that the therapist issue is taken care of.

I can't just blame my therapist for the grief monster reappearing. My birthday is in just over a week.There's no reason to celebrate without Chris. Last year was supposed to be a milestone celebration and it was nothing but a huge let down, so I have no hopes of anything this year. I keep thinking of the birthday celebration that he threw for me with a few of my friends where he made his famous ribs and we just chilled all night by a fire. Then the following week we celebrated again up north with my family. Nothing could top that celebration. Mostly because it was the last celebration that I had with Chris. He did everything that he could to make sure that I was happy on my birthday. Ironically, I see the therapist again for the first time on my birthday. Happy birthday to me!!!

So, for now I will continue to play hide and seek with the grief monster. I will run as fast as I can from it and hide in my best hiding spots. I do know that when it finds me, I will have to pay, and I will have to pay dearly. But, hopefully I can run and hide for just one more week and then I will be ok. In the meantime, I will keep my brave face on and act as if nothing is wrong (which is exactly what is expected of me at this point.)

Monday, June 6, 2011

Just Some Random Thoughts

I still have my days where I wish that I'd come home from work early and this monster had killed me too. Please don't confuse this with me not wanting to live or wishing that I was dead or suicidal. It's just some days the pain of living without him is so intense I just find it so difficult to live. I do want to live! I have plans for my future. Many plans for my future, in fact. It's just that some days that future is hard to see through the fog of grief.

And then there's the loneliness. The every night ritual of making sure that the blankets are covering his side of the bed (he used to complain that I "hogged" the covers at night). So every night I make a point of fixing his side of the bed so that I don't take the covers and when I wake in the middle of the night, I make sure that the covers are still on his side of the bed. And for what? It's just a reminder that he's not ever going to sleep in our bed again.

I sometimes feel like a broken record, going on and on about how I miss him. Yet, I don't dare tell anyone except for my widowed friends. Nobody else will get it. They all expect me to "be over it" by now. I am constantly asked if I am dating anyone or why do I still wear my ring. Really, it's no ones business if I'm dating again or when I'm going to take off my ring. I still feel married to Chris. Yes, yes, I know that he's gone that he passed away. But, I still am his wife and I still feel this connection to him. So until I feel that connection with someone else, his ring will stay on my finger.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

The Cemetery

I went to the cemetery for the first time this year on Sunday. It's so surreal. I don't mind seeing my name on the headstone, it's seeing Chris's name that bothers me. I went out there with our grandmother, I don't like going there by myself because I tend to break down too much. Of course I bought him a beautiful bouquet of flowers, I also bought one for his parents as well.


I sometimes feel selfish when I go with our grandmother and get all choked up with my grieving. I feel selfish because I can't even imagine what she must be feeling to see her daughter's and grandson's names on the headstones. Chris's mother passed away over 20 years ago, he was only 8 years old. He did go to the cemetery and visit both his parents often. I feel like a bad wife because I don't go there so much. I just can't, my heart aches every time I do because it makes this life that I'm living too real.

I like to live thinking that he's coming home one day. I do know that I will see him again, but never in this life. So, I get to pretend sometimes. I know that it may not be healthy, but it is something that keeps me sane (yeah a totally irrational thing is keeping me sane). I don't want to believe that there is evil like the monster that took Chris's life. It's just easier for me to pretend.

Monday, May 23, 2011

NYC/NJ Widdas

This past weekend I had the pleasure of visiting NYC and Jersey City. I stayed with a widow friend of mine that I met in an online support group. She is such a lovely, wonderful person that I am honored to call my friend. I will admit that I was very nervous about spending the weekend because although we have become such good friends online and on the phone, I wondered how would we click in person. I shouldn't have worried at all. It was like visiting an old friend. She is someone that was very instrumental in helping me cope with my grief; and she is one of the rare people that when I see her number on my caller ID, I pick up the phone no matter what I am doing.

I felt like the luckiest woman in the world. I had another widow friend from PA drive in to the airport just to pick me up from the airport and spend the day with me. I had never met this woman in person, yet here she was driving two and a half hours out of her way just to see me. I had a wonderful day with her, and am so glad that she decided to stay until the morning. I felt like I was back in high school having a slumber party with my girlfriends. Even though I'd just met these two women, I felt as if I'd known them a lifetime.

My friend that I stayed with organized a dinner in NYC for me to meet with the widows and widowers of NYC/NJ area. We went to dinner and a show at Lucky Cheng's. I had a marvelous time. We laughed the entire time that we were there. I cannot remember the last time that I laughed so hard (and came out of my shell for the night, but sorry what happens at Lucky Cheng's stays at Lucky Cheng's)!!! After dinner, my friend treated me to a show, the Lion King. What an amazing show, highly recommended! Then we had drinks and dessert in Times Square before heading back to her place.

A brunch was also organized in NJ for me to meet more widows and widowers. I felt so incredibly welcomed and yet a tinge of sadness that here I was sitting at this long table with all of these young men and women and we all have one devastating thing in common, we all have lost a spouse. As much as I hate to see young people being widowed, I must say that it is comforting to be around them because they know exactly what I have gone through. Sure, each person has a different story, but we each have that one bond that ties us all together. We are able to talk about our feelings without someone telling us that it's been X months, you need to move on. Or telling me that I cannot cry, when I felt tears coming on I was allowed to let them swell in my eyes without comment or judgement. I loved being around this group of people. Each and everyone of them reached out to me and welcomed me with such warm and loving arms.

I feel so fortunate to have had this past weekend, I was comfortable, relaxed and had the time of my life!! I have my wonderful friend to thank for it. For me, it was so much more than just a weekend getaway. I may not have done everything on my "things to see and do" list, but somehow, it really doesn't matter because the most important thing that was on my list was to just live and have a good time. And that is precisely what I did this past weekend.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Our House / Our Home

Even to this day, I get comments about our house and how I shouldn't live there. I still have nightmares about that night. But, truth be told, I would have nightmares whether or not I lived there. What people don't understand is that when I walk through the house I see Chris everywhere. I see him from the moment that I walk in the door since he put in both doors (well thanks to the monster that killed him the back door had to be replaced, but the lock was him.)

When I sit in the living room, I see him because of the extra light that comes into the room because of the front door. I remember when I tried to replace the lock on the front door, I drilled the hole crooked. He was away and couldn't replace the lock; and me being impatient, couldn't wait for him to replace it. So, I had to live with a crooked hole in the door until he came home to replace the front door. He joked with me that I did it on purpose because I wanted a new front door and thanks to my handywork, we needed a new front door. So, he let me pick out whatever door I wanted. I actually picked out several and said that he could help me pick it out. But, he just told me to pick out the one that I really wanted and that would be the door that he would put in for me. He told me that above all he wanted me to be happy and he wanted me to have whatever I wanted.

Because he didn't have steady work, he would make things for me that I said that I would like around the house instead of buying me gifts. I didn't even have to ask him for them either. My absolute favorite thing that he did for me was build me shelves inside our hall closet. I have so many items for the kitchen because I love to cook and bake that I just don't have enough room inside the kitchen for everything. (He even made up a song that he would sing to me about how much I loved my mixer!) So, out of the blue, for an early birthday present, he built me some shelves in the closet across from the kitchen.

All of the door knobs were replaced because one day I locked myself in the bathroom. After he joked with me that I would have to climb out the window in my bathrobe, he finally freed me and went up to Lowe's while I was at work and bought the rest of the door knobs so that I wouldn't lock myself in the bathroom again and that all of the door knobs in the hallway would match.

There was a list of things that we both wanted done with the house, but it is long gone. I can't stand to have anyone else check off that list because it was his list. It was his list of things that he wanted to do to his house, to our house. It will seem like a betrayal to have anyone else complete his list because he was so proud of his house. It was the only place that he could call "HIS", and he was so proud every time he checked an item off of his list.

So, as I sit on the couch and look around the house, I see Chris everywhere. I especially see him in the light that comes into the room. He is a part of this house, he is what made this house a home. How can I ever leave this?

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mother's Day

Today is mother's day. While I love my mom and grandmother (Chris's grandmother really, but I consider her my grandmother), but I can't help but be a little sad today. I should be a mom. Chris and I should have a child together and we should be celebrating today as a family. But, we can't because some monster took him from us. Some monster destroyed that dream. Because of that monster, I sometimes feel that I will never be a mother. And for that, I hate him even more. How can I ever forgive such a creature for taking everything that I held dear and beloved away from me? I just can't find it in my heart because this was a deliberate and cruel act. I just don't think that I can find forgiveness for such a heinous creature. He took my precious husband and best friend away from me and he also took my future, my dreams and any chance at being a mother away. So, today should be a happy, joyful day and instead, I had to fight back tears. Happy days should not be spent like this.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

A confession

I spoke to a recent widow today. One of my mother's coworkers lost her husband a few weeks ago and I went up to her work to see her. She had said that she didn't know how I could have done it. She didn't know how I could have gotten through these feelings and how strong I am. I confessed to her that I am not strong, but that is a perception that people see because I have held myself together when I'm around other people. But at night, when I'm alone, I secretly tell myself that I just can't do this. Still, to this day, I tell myself that. Not every night, but often enough. It all starts with my drive home from work when I start to remember the phone call, or sometimes when I lay in bed and remember when he would ask me to scratch his back...

The "episodes" are still there, I still cry. They are still intense, I cry until I start to hyperventilate. They still last, I cry until I can't breathe anymore. They just don't last quite as long, because eventually, I am able to take a deep breath. And then I start the list of reasons why I am going to make this work, why I am going to survive this, and why I am going to wake up in the morning. I think of Chris and how disappointed in me he would be if I just gave up. I know in my heart that he would want me to live. I know that he would want me to be happy and enjoy my life. Thinking about the good things that I want to come into my life and what I want out of my future are what brings me out of an episode of severe grief.

Today was a beautiful, sunny day and as I was leaving her work, I drove away thinking that today was a great day to be alive. Who wouldn't love their life on a day like today? I do understand that my moods are all over the place lately and are somewhat influenced by the weather. Today was a perfect example. I was loving my life today, sure, I missed Chris. I wished more than anything that he could have been sitting on the porch with me, or sitting on the swing in the backyard with me. But, unfortunately, I can't have everything. So, I have to enjoy the beautiful things in life for both of us. I believe in my heart that he is looking down on me and every time that I smile, he smiles. And that, makes me smile even more.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

I'm OK,.. No, I'm not OK,... Yeah, I'm OK

It's funny because I know that life can be good and life will be good. But, sometimes I just hit a wall like today. Today is Easter Sunday. I can't help but think of the things that we should be doing today. Then I start to panic and think that I just can't do this.

I have a secret confession to make. Even though I know that I will be OK, I lie in bed every night and think about Chris and how much I miss him and how I just can't believe that he's gone. I don't cry every night anymore. But, I still shed tears for him at least once a week. I also have problems when my eyes linger on pictures of him for too long. Those are the moments that I question my existence. I question why he was taken and pray that God let me go back and relive that day with the knowledge that I have right now. I want to save him. I want to save us both.

As much as I know that in the end I will be OK, I still don't want to live this life. But, unfortunately, I have no choice. So, I have to live my life the best way that I know how. It doesn't mean that I love Chris any less, it just means that I love him so much that I'm honoring him by living for both of us.

Friday, April 15, 2011

I'm OK

I have been in a wonderful mood lately. I have finally realized that it's going to be OK. That I am going to be OK. That living my life, actually living my life without Chris is going to be OK. Well, I'm still working on that last part. But, I'm getting there. I've been feeling wonderful about myself. I've made strides in my personal life. I've done something the other day that I never in a million years thought that I would ever do, yet I did it. And I also did it without Chris, without thinking of Chris and therefore without tears. What a major accomplishment that was.

I think that the feeling that I have right now is that of relief because I have made another step forward in my life and I am OK. I didn't crumble, my world didn't fall down around me. I didn't stumble. I have survived it. I am amazed at myself right now. I actually can say that I feel so good about myself right now, I want to start living. I want to actually LIVE!!! I have decided that the days of wallowing are over, yes I can and will still grieve for my Christopher, but I will live my life the way that I should be living my life. The world is still spinning, life is still going on around me and I need to start living my life. I keep saying that I need to honor Chris's memory by living my life. But, so far that has just been staying alive. Now, I am going to take an active role in my life and start living, getting healthy and more active. I will make Chris proud of me.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Dating and the Lonely Widow

I've been so lonely lately. I've thought of dating. But to be honest it scares the hell out of me. Just the thought of it feels like I'm cheating on Chris. After almost sixteen months, I still proudly wear my wedding rings and I still feel as if I'm married. And when I wrote of the sleepless nights, that's when the dating entered my mind. So, it's not coincidence that I am having trouble sleeping. I'm lonely. I want to be loved. I want someone to love and that will love me back, yet I want that someone to be Chris. I have long ago accepted that Chris is not here to love me back, but that does not stop the yearning for him. I will always love him and want him. I think that even if I do start to date I will still love him. He was my first true love and there will always be a special place in my heart for him.

I'm confused and conflicted. I want to start dating, but I don't want to take off my wedding rings. I think that I'm ready to date, yet I still dream of Chris and the first thing that I say to him is that I'm not cheating on him and that I still love him. This is a huge step for me. Even the thought of it is a huge step. I'm not forgetting about Chris and I'm not "moving on". I'm merely moving forward to another chapter in my life. My life cannot be put on hold anymore.

I have been thinking of my granny lately. She remained a widow for many, many years. She swore that her husband was it and that she was never going to date. And she didn't for nearly 25 years. She finally met a man when she was in her 80's. She seemed happy all those years that she was alone, and she seemed happy when she had a "boyfriend" as well. I know that I can be happy by myself, at this very moment I am content with my life. However, I feel as if something is missing. There seems to be a void in my life. I'm taking steps to improve other aspects of my life. I still just wish that Chris was here and I didn't have to make all of these decisions.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Feeling Inadequate

When I start to feel inadequate, I just have to remember that Chris loved me. Chris was such a handsome and wonderful man, and HE loved ME!!! I need that to become my daily mantra. The only problem with that is that Chris is gone, the one person that could make me feel better isn't here. But it's a catch 22, because the reason that I'm feeling down is because he's not here and I'm force to move forward with out him. I also know that I'm feeling this way because I'm moving on with my life, but I'm at a stale mate right now. I can't move forward, I'm stuck waiting on others. And I hate waiting for others to make the next move. I'm not a pushy person and I'm not going to make a phone call because I don't want to "bother" anyone. But, I'm thinking that in this case, it's so vitally important to my well being that I just might have to make that phone call to find out what the next step is. I'm thinking then, maybe then, I will start moving again and these feelings will subside.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Paying with Interest

Someone once said that if you hold back on your grief, you will eventually have to pay and with interest. Well, today has been the day that I've had to pay up. I've been having the nightmares again, that is when I can sleep. When I can't sleep I have the images of that night back. I keep asking myself why now? Then it hit me, I'm finally getting my life in order. I've finally made a conscious decision to live my life and that is exactly what I'm doing. Yes, I have felt a tinge of guilt about doing it without Chris. But, I know that I must move on with my life. I just wish that I could talk with Chris one more time so that I knew that this is what I'm supposed to do. So that I know that he is happy for me. I feel so crazy for even thinking it, let alone putting it in writing.

So why now have the tears been hitting me like a tsunami? Maybe it's the gigantic full moon? I don't know, all I know is that the tears that I have been holding back have hit me hard today. And I can't stop them.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Guilty Plans

I've been in a rough place lately. I'm happy that I'm making plans for my future. Yet, I feel this overwhelming feeling of guilt that I'm doing it without Chris. For the first time since December 2009, I'm genuinely happy. But that happiness is overshadowed by guilt. Some nights as I lay in bed I think about Chris and feel sad that he's not here to share in my joy and plans. I'm not just making plans, I'm actually acting out my plans at this point. They are a reality and to be honest, it scares the hell out of me. I'm scared because I'm not sure if this is what I'm supposed to be doing. I know that there is some reason that I was not home that fateful night. I want to believe that this is the reason. I'm scared because I don't know if I can do this alone. I'm scared because I want to know if Chris is happy for me. Underneath my tears, I am so happy. But, I have this profound sadness at the same time. I want to share this joy with the one man that I wanted to share my life with. However, I know that it is impossible. So, I will continue to actively make my plans and follow through with them as I have been doing. I can only hope that Chris is smiling down on me.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

The Elderly Couple

Yesterday as I was stopped at a light, I saw an elderly couple walking from the hamburger place on the corner. She was walking with a cane and he was helping her walk by holding on to her elbow. I immediately thought "that was supposed to be Chris and me! We were robbed!" Then I started to sob. It's the little things that can get to me these days. I know that two things are certain. I will always love Chris as much as I did the exact moment that I married him, ok maybe even more. And that I will miss him at least as much as I missed him the day that he passed away.

He is never too far away from my thoughts. Just because I am planning my future without him does not mean that I am forgetting him. I will forever love and remember him. I just cannot allow him to consume my every thought anymore. Sure, when my thoughts are allowed to wander, I cannot help but think of him. But, I will divert my thoughts to the happy memories instead of the what if's and the should haves.

I read the most inspirational line from a book written by Lolly Winston the other day: "I've decided it's important to love the life that you get and somehow learn to let go of the life you dreamed of." I can't stop thinking of that line. I even left the bookmark on that page when I finished the book because I found it so profound. I have been longing for the life that I dreamed of instead of learning to live and love this life that I have been given. No matter how damaged I feel that my life is at this moment, I must claim ownership of it and learn to live and love my life. I know what I want my life to be. I am the only person that can make my life worthwhile. I am the only person that can make me love my life. So, I have already put my plans in motion and there is no more time for procrastination. The time for me to accept what has happened and start to learn to love my life starts now.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Pictures of Chris

I discovered today that I can't look at pictures of Chris without falling apart. Yeah, I'm back to that stage again. There was a time when I could look at his picture and smile just remembering the good times. Now, I tear up when I remember the good times because we lost the opportunity to make more good times.

I know that this is just because the most recent loss in my life. This grief stuff is hard, much harder than it looks, that's for sure. I find that I sleep facing his side of the bed and just hold on to his pillow, begging him to come home, to please come home. I know that he is gone. He's gone because some selfish monster took him from this world. And all that I am left with are pictures, letters and memories.

I miss him so much. That longing that I feel for him hasn't gone away at all, but I am usually able to function. But, for some reason the grief monster has attacked me and I'm so afraid that if I really look at his picture, I will break down and lose it. It's been almost 15 months, I should be getting on with my life and that is precisely what I am trying to do. But somehow, that nasty monster lurks around the corners and wallops me with sadness. I can't escape it. I'm doing much better, much better than I ever thought that I would be doing. I never thought that I would be planning on living my life without him. But, that is what I am doing, or at least trying to do as long as I can keep the grief monster at bay.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Grief Strikes Again

Losing L has brought up some really bad memories that I'd rather keep buried. I keep trying to suppress the memories, I need to be strong for N. Yet, I find myself crying at night, longing for Chris. Tears well up in my eyes as I write this. How could this have happened? I want to scream, I want to know how this could have happened. I want to know who I'm supposed to run to with my news now? But, this isn't about me, it's about N and helping her heal and deal with her grief.

So, I push my grief behind a door, lock it and throw away the key. I keep telling myself that I have plans now and grief is not a part of my plan. I have already started my classes, my new life is starting. I made plans! I was able to laugh, genuinely laugh. So, I allow it out at night, and only at night; when I'm alone in bed, clutching his pillow as I have on so many lonely nights. I also can't break down in front of N, she needs me to be a strong foundation. If she is leaning on me and I crumble, what happens to her? I can't do that to her. She needs me, this is about her.

Locking away grief is a very difficult thing to do. I read something today and it scared me a bit: "grief is something you pay now, or you pay later with interest." I'm just hoping that I already paid my dues and I can rightfully lock it away without consequence.

Monday, February 14, 2011

My Dearest Friends

Last Friday was supposed to be a very good day. It was the day that I started my classes to begin my life again. But, one text message is all that it took to bring that good day to an end. The text message was from one of my best friends telling me to come to her house right now. I didn't get the message for several hours later due to me being in class. I texted her back letting her know that I was in class. Then the important text came next: I won't repeat it exactly, but it was that L was gone.

N and L are my dearest friends. I hadn't known them very long, only slightly longer than a year. But, I had an instant connection to them both. N was one of Chris's closest friends growing up. N contacted me in January of last year and invited me out to lunch with her and L. The day of the luncheon, I almost cancelled. Not because I didn't want to meet them, but because I just wasn't much into meeting people those days, I just didn't have the energy. Hey, it involved getting out of bed before noon. But, I did it. And I am so glad that I did.

They both greeted me with the biggest hugs. And at the end of lunch it felt as if I had known them forever. When they found out that I had gone to court by myself, they offered to go with me the next time. They dropped everything every single court date and went with me. We became so close, so fast. I lost a few of my own friends after Chris passed away, but it was ok because I gained N and L as my new best friends. As the months passed, I found that I would text or call N and L with news before I'd call anyone else. I valued their opinion.

I found that their relationship mirrored Chris and my relationship. N and Chris were identical personalities, and L and I were very close as well. No, we weren't quite identical. I wish that we were. However, she was just a little more outspoken than I was, she had much more spunk than I did.

L was the kindest soul, she cared so much about everyone and everything. She was funny too. I could be crying and she had such a talent to make me smile even in the midst of the biggest crying spell. When I had good news or bad news, I couldn't wait to pick up the phone and tell L. When I needed advice, I turned to L because she was so level headed that she knew exactly what to do. Did I mention how her smile would just light up a room? She was beautiful, inside and out. L is a rare soul that try as you might, you just can't find a bad thing to say about her. I truly adore her and am grateful for her friendship. I couldn't have asked for a better friend. I want more time with her, but will forever be thankful for the time that I did have with her.

I admired her so much, as much as we were alike, she was just a little more of what I wished that I was. I wish that I had told her this. I never did, I never thought that this day would come. Sure, we talked about what if this day came. But never in our wildest dreams did we ever think that it would show up so soon, and so tragically. We were supposed to be friends for a very long time. Something this tragic was not supposed to happen, and it was not supposed to happen to such a good person like L.

Now L has joined Chris in heaven and N is a widow like me. I want to embrace her and tell her that it will be ok. But, I don't want to smother her. Memories of those early days are coming back to me. I remember what it felt like to have everyone around me and feeling like I can't breathe. So, I'm doing the delicate dance of giving her room to breathe and letting her know that I'm here for her when she needs me. I vaguely remember those early days, but as I witness N's heart break, my heart breaks all over again.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Friday

I start my classes on Friday, 9 - 5. Fridays are going to be very long days. But, well worth it. I'm so anxious I can hardly contain myself. I'm scared too. I'm scared because I'm officially taking the first step to starting my new life without Chris.

I need to breathe.

I had to call my dad and tell him personally what I'm doing, rather than have him hear it from my mom. Not that it's a bad thing, I just think that good news should be delivered directly. And he tried to calm me down and tell me that I'm going to be good at this. I hope so, I'm going to be taking on a huge responsibility.

It's so wierd to be doing this without Chris. Not so much my plans, but the whole "living" thing. If you would have asked me exactly 14 months ago, I wouldn't have thought that this is where I'd be. I'm filled with so many emotions: happy, excited, sad, petrified, anxious, and just about everything in between. But, when I put my head to rest on my pillow at night, I know that in my heart I am doing the right thing. I just hope that everything works out. I've been doing a lot of praying these days. I just hope that this time, my prayers get answered.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Taking Charge

I woke up this morning in a wonderful mood. And the best part is, it's past 9pm and I'm still in that wonderful mood. This is a rare occurrence. I actually can't recall ever being this "giddy" before, well at least since December 8, 2009. I do know what has me in this mood. I am taking charge of my life. I am finally doing something for myself and my future. My plans will also help others, which is always a good thing. So, to my friend RB, I say I'm ready to get busy living!!! I have already taken those first scary steps towards living and my future. Yes, I'm scared, I'm very scared. What I have planned is life changing, but hopefully well worth it.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

It Works

I guess that you can talk yourself into a having a positive outlook. I've been trying to give myself a better outlook and make plans for the future. It actually worked. I made a huge step for planning my future, I'm scared. I don't know if I can live happily without Chris. But, I know that he is happy for me right now and that brings a smile to my face. I know that something is missing from my life. I also know that I will never be able to get the someone that is missing back; he will be gone, but never forgotten and certainly not replaceable. Chris will forever hold a very special place in my heart. I will never stop loving him. I know that he wants me to live my life and that he wants me to continue the plans that we made and didn't get a chance to fulfill. So, here's to giving myself a better outlook. Tears are allowed, just as long as they aren't debilitating me. I will be ok.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Nie Ma

I've been brushing up on my Polish again, dreaming of the day that I take the trip to Warszawa. Chris promised me that he would take me there. I gave up my dream of taking a class there to be with him. In Polish class if someone wasn't there we would say "Nie ma", which here literally means "there is no". I prefer "on nie jest tutaj" (he isn't here.) But, that's how I feel now, with what I know now. I've been fixated on this for some time now. Thinking about the word "gone" has me fixated too. Because that is what Chris is, he is gone. Chris nie ma. How can that be? How can he be here one minute then "gone" the next? How can one crazy monster just take another man's life especially the way that he did? And for what? Because his girlfriend said Chris flirted with her? Yeah, that's a whole level of crazy that needs to be locked up for the rest of his life. 

Anyway, I think that this fixation on being gone has kept me in the emotional pit for so long. I've come to the realization that he really is gone. I know that I've had this revelation before, but something always happens where I talk myself out of it. I will convince myself that it's merely a dream, a bad dream, a horrible nightmare. But, we all must wake up from our dreams, especially the nightmares. And when I never wake up and realize that it's not a dream, that this is my life, I wonder how can I go on? That is where I am at right now. How can one be happy when such tragedy has left a horrible scar? Żałuję, że nie istnieje!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Ascending Upward

Well, I guess it's time to fasten my seat belt. I'm back on the roller coaster of grief again. At least this time, I'm ascending upwards out of the pit of despair. I still cried myself to sleep last night; it was more like sobbed myself to sleep last night. I was able to pull out a letter, read a portion of it and when I started to tear up, I simply put it back in the box. I cried for just a little while, but not hysterically. My heart still aches though. I'd imagine that it will not heal fully. I suspect that I will always have this bit of my heart missing, this piece that was pierced with a knife, I will always have a portion of my heart dedicated to Chris that will always ache.

A good widower friend recently reminded me of the quote from Shawshank Redemption: "Get busy living, or get busy dying." I haven't decided exactly where I fit in just yet. I know what I want from life, and I know that I will never have it again. I do have some realistic dreams, but there's always this shadow of sorrow clouding everything that I hope and dream for. Yet, I accept the fact that I have to wait until it is my time to go, like it or not. I don't mope around, but I don't exactly live it up either. It's hard to make decisions when you can't see through the fog. Maybe I'll take my cue from him and get busy living. I have become a master at faking my positive emotions, maybe I can fake my need to get busy living and it will just happen.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Ocean of Tears

I've been crying a lot lately. A whole lot more than usual. Last night, I was crying so hysterically, I had to take an anxiety pill to calm myself down. I don't know if it was finding his letters and reading them, or what has me in this dark, dark place. But, I don't like it. I am quite used to sobbing myself to sleep while I hold on to his pillow. But, the hysterical crying is getting out of hand. I cry everytime I think of him now. I can't imagine why at 13 months and 2 weeks I am just as bad as when this first happened. When a song comes on the radio that reminds me of him, I cry. When I see his picture, I cry. Even when I have a happy memory, I cry. I am on more medication than when this first happened and I just don't understand why I can't seem to stop crying. I don't even limit my crying to when I'm alone. I've started crying at work again, which is a very bad sign. Those shows and movies that we used to think was so funny, aren't so funny anymore.

I've laughed genuinely exactly once in the past month. And of course, I looked at the empty spot next to me on the sofa and started to cry. He should have been there sharing that laughter with me, and yes, that is exactly what I said.

Maybe I can't seem to let go of this pain because I feel so robbed of my own life. Chris brought so much to my own life that once he was a part of it, I couldn't remember or imagine a life without him. Now, I'm faced with a future that I'm so uncertain of. Chris and I had so many plans for our future, how can I possibly go forward with any of those plans without him? I've thought of plans for my future, but I'm so scared to make them because life is so unfair. I'm so scared to live my life because my life is in ruins right now and I don't know where to begin to put it back together at.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

It's Not Contagious

Since I've lost Chris, I've lost friends. Yes, I've gained some friends too. But, so many friends have distanced themselves from me. I don't know why. I don't know if it's because I'm not a couple anymore and can't be part of the couple's club anymore, or what the reason is. But, it is a bit hurtful.

Recently, I had another experience where I was hurt and felt isolated because I was a widow. I won't go into the details, but I really felt "different" because I was a widow. (BTW - I hate being a widow, I hate calling myself a widow, but unfortunately that is what I am.) I sometimes feel like I am a pariah because of my marital status. Trust me, I don't like it anymore than the people shunning me do.

I have some news for these people: widowhood is not contagious. You will not and cannot contract it from being near me or even in the same room as me. You will not and cannot contract it from talking to me, in person or over the phone. And you will not and cannot contract it from reading my blog. Plain and simple, it is not a disease, you cannot catch it, and it will not rub off on you.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Where Did It Go?

Where did that glimmer of happiness go? I felt it; it was right at my finger tips. But, now it's gone. I had finally reached the point where I decided that I wanted to live, and I wanted to be happy. I know that Chris would want me to be happy. But, where did it all go?

I want to remember the happiness that Chris brought to my world and not the sorrow that is left. I will always feel some sorrow when I think of what we both lost. But, I want to remember the good that he brought to me. I do feel so much warmth in my heart when I think of him. I want to feel that all the time. But, it seems to go away quickly because I quickly remember that he's gone and I will never get him back.

I found a shoebox full of letters that he wrote me. I thought that there were actually shoes in the box and not his letters. I was pleasantly surprised when I opened the box. I decided to read one of the letters. I thought that it would be ok to read. But, I wasn't prepared to read about his plans for our future, our future that we will never have anymore. The letter mentioned that when he got home he was going to fix the clasp for the attic door that has needed to be fixed since I bought the house. Well, the door is being kept closed by all of my shoeboxes and the very shoebox that held that letter. So now, every time I look at the attic door, I think about how he was supposed to fix it and never did. I also think, "how can I ever get anyone else to fix it?" Because nobody else can ever replace Chris!

Friday, January 14, 2011

Why I've Reverted Backwards

I've been trying to figure out why I've been going backwards in my grief. Then it hit me...my therapist quit. She didn't quit me, she quit working for the doctor's office. But, I feel like she quit me. I feel abandoned. I know that it's not personal. I can't take it that way. But, it feels like it. I didn't get a call from the office or her letting me know that she was leaving. However, my doctor did tell me that she wasn't going to be there anymore on my last visit. So now I have to start all over again with another therapist. My doctor will fill in for her until she can find another one that she think will be a good fit. Which is fine. However, it still stinks; I liked her, and I trusted her. I don't know why, but it has brought back the fresh feelings of Chris passing away. And now, I will have to start all over with someone new and bring all the fresh feelings of grief to the surface again.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Another What If Day...

I keep wondering what would have happened if I would have left work early and I was the one that was killed instead of Chris.  I wonder would he have been able to handle it?  How would he have coped with it? Would he have the strength to survive?  What would he be doing at this very moment?  I have an inkling as to what he would be doing.  I know that he wouldn't be dating.  He would always tell me that no matter what happened to us, he would never marry again.  I believed him.  That is one of the reasons that I don't ever want to date again.  I certainly don't want to ever get married again.  When I say that he was my first love, he was.  I truly never knew what love was until I met him. 

I have an inkling that I know what would have happened to Chris if I walked in on the attack and he survived and I didn't.  He had suffered so much loss in his life, that I don't think that he would have been able to suffer any more loss.  I am barely surviving.  I really, truly never thought that I would live this long.  But, by the grace of God, I have.  Really, it's not because I'm strong, it's because I'm a coward.  It's because I'm too afraid that if I don't survive, I won't be reunited with Chris in the end.  So, I have to put on a brave face every day and face this horrible world alone and just wait it out.

Yeah, I'm having one of those days again...

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

A Huge Leap

I finally washed all of Chris's clothes.  For those of you reading this that are not widows you won't understand.  The pain of it is that those clothes were the last things that I had that touched his body.  The last things that held his DNA.  And now there is nothing but memories of when he wore each item.  Even though the memories are good, they still bring tears to my eyes.  I cry because he will never wear those clothes again.  I will never make new memories with him wearing his best in show shirt again.  He will never offer me his favorite sweatshirt when I'm cold.  I will never see him wear his favorite jeans again.

The other significance to washing his clothes is that I did not put them away in his dresser drawers.  I put them away in storage bins.  I gathered the clean clothes from the closet and drawers and put them away as well.  This was another huge leap in acceptance that he is not coming home.  Yes, I have "accepted" it awhile ago.  But, I never really believed it.  This step made it all too real. 

I know that many people think that I should have done this months and months ago, but I did it when I thought I was ready.  After I did it, I realized that I really wasn't ready.  But, what is done is done.  The next step is to let his brother have his clothes.  I'm not quite ready for that step yet.  I'm not ready to let go of him.  I feel that having his "stuff" close to me is the next best thing to having him close to me.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Baby Steps

I still haven't washed all of Chris's clothes.  I'm too afraid of washing him away.  But, I made a promise to his brother.  I promised that when I was ready to give away his clothes, I would give them to him.  I intend to keep that promise.  But, I'm not ready to let go of Chris just yet.  I know that he's not coming home, and I've accepted it.  But, having his things here is the next best thing to having him with me.  If I can't have him, at least I can have the clothes that touched him.  And I understand that I'm being selfish by keeping him all to myself and I'm sorry for that.  But, I'm trying.  So, I bought a couple of storage bins today to put his clothes in.  And hopefully, I will have the will power to finally wash his clothes.  I will put a few of my favorite pieces of clothes away for myself.  I wear almost all of his "big shirts" and his sweat shirts; so, I will probably keep those.  But, I want to keep a couple of his t-shirts and a dress shirt or two.  And then maybe just a pair of jeans. 

It may not seem like a big deal to even buy two storage bins, but it was a huge deal.  It's another form of acceptance that he truly isn't coming home.  I sat on the couch today and thought "he's gone, how can he just be gone? How can my wonderful husband not be here anymore?"  It's inconceivable.  It's not real, it's not my reality.  This is cannot be my life.  My life should not consist of baby steps like buying storage bins.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

The What If Game

For the longest time I played the "What If" game.  What if Chris would have set the alarm that night?  What if Chris tripped the alarm?  What if I would have left work two hours early?  What if I would have left work a half hour early?  I even wondered what if I hadn't cleaned off my car?  That would have saved me five minutes... What if... What if... What if...The what if game is a dangerous and stressful game to play.  Besides, nobody wins.  The only trophy that you are left with is major anxiety.

Something did happen shortly after I hit my one year mark.  I don't know exactly when it happened, but I woke up one morning and I stopped playing the what if game.  It wasn't even that I refused to play it.  It was almost as if I put it away in the attic and it's now collecting dust along with all the forgotten games of yesterday.

But lately, it's been creeping up.  Almost like those old cartoons where it grows arms and legs and just sneaks up on you.  However, it's disguising itself.  It's clever, it's still the "what if" game.  But, it's slightly different now.  It knows that I don't want to play by the old rules, so it's changed.  Now it's tapped into a new fear.  What if people stop remembering Chris?  What if people stop talking about Chris?  What if people won't say his name anymore?  What if Chris is forgotten?

I want people to talk to me about him.  I want people to say his name to me.  I set up a memorial page so that people can remember him and share stories and pictures about him.  But, I'm afraid that people are forgetting him. I want to hear about the crazy stuff that he did before we met (know that he did some crazy stuff.)  I want to see pictures of him from when he was a teenager.  I want to know all about his life before I was a part of it.  And I want to share the life that we had with the world.  I don't want Chris to be forgotten.


Say Chris

The time of concern is over. No longer am I asked how I am doing.
Never is the name of my partner mentioned to me. A curtain descends.
The moment has passed. A life slips from frequent recall.
There are exceptions … close and comforting friends, sensitive and loving family.
For most, the drama is over. The spotlight is off. Applause is silent.
But for me, the play will never end. The effects are timeless.

Say Chris to me.

On the stage of my life, he has been both lead and supporting actor.
Do not tiptoe around the greatest event of my life. Love does not die.
His name is written on my life. The sound of his voice replays within my mind.
You feel he is dead. I feel he is of the dead and still lives.
You say he was my partner. I say he is.

Say Chris to me and say Chris again.

It hurts to bury his memory in silence.
What he was in the flesh has now turned to ash.
What he is in spirit, stirs within me always.
He is of my past, but he is part of my present. He is my hope for the future.
You say not to remind me. How little you understand that I cannot forget.
I would not if I could.
I forgive you, because you cannot know.

I strive not to judge you, for yesterday I was like you.
I do not ask you to walk this road. The ascent is steep and the burden heavy.
I walk it not by choice. I would rather walk it with him in the flesh.
I am what I have to be. What I have lost you cannot feel. What I have gained you cannot see.

Say Chris, for he is alive in me.

He and I will meet again, though in many ways we have never parted.
He and his life play light songs on my mind,
sunrises and sunsets on my dreams.
He is real and he is shadow.
He was and he is.
He is my partner and I love him as I always did.

Say Chris to me and say Chris again.


(This poem was rephrased and based on the book “Saying Olin to Goodbye” by Donald Hackett.)

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

I Hate Being Sick

Another time that I really miss having Chris around is when I'm sick.  I have nobody around to make me feel better.  I have nobody around to make me soup.  I have nobody around to tell me that everything will be ok.  Chris would still cuddle with me and wouldn't care if he would get sick as long as it would make me feel better.

I don't get sick very often.  But, if I get sick enough to make a doctor's appointment, all I want is Chris.  And right now I'm sitting here in bed crying because he is the only thing that I want right now.  Somehow, I think that I wouldn't care how sick I was as long as I had Chris by my side, I would be ok.  So, I'll just add this to the long list of reasons why I miss Chris.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Happiness Is Overrated

I don't see what the big deal is with being "happy".  It's so overrated.  I'm fine with being content.  I was happy once upon a time and I just can't see being happy with anyone else.  Yeah, I suppose it would be nice to be happy.  But, what I had with Chris was something special.  He was the first person that I truly wanted to share my life with.  He was the first man to last past the dreaded three month mark.  I don't know if I'll ever meet anyone that will do that.  He was the first man to truly make me happy.

I'm not delusional, we had our moments where we weren't happy all the time.  But, those moments that we spent making up were some of the most memorable and happiest moments that we spent together. Even some of the fights, when he would start yelling at me then he would run outside and yell at me as loud as he could "I fucking love you, do you hear me?  Do you think everyone hears me?  I fucking love you!"   I smile when I think of our times together.  Just thinking of some of the silly things that he would do makes me happy and brings a big smile to my face.  That is all the happiness that I need right now.

Of course, having Chris here with me right now would be even better than the happy memories of him.  But, I stopped believing that that miracle will happen a long time ago.  So, I'm content right now.  I'm happy with my memories.  If something should come along and bring some happiness to my life, so be it.  Right this very moment, I am making the best of my life the way that it is.  I have accepted what has happened, I may not like it, but I have accepted it.  I've decided that I'm not moving on, but I'm moving forward with time.  I don't have to be happy, I just have to be content.  At least I'm not sad and miserable all the time anymore.  If happiness happens to come my way, then I'll open the door for it.