Monday, November 29, 2010

Christmas Tree With Love

I really don't know how I feel today.  I managed to make it through Thanksgiving without Chris.  I made it through dinner, playing wii with the family and spending time with my brother without tears.  But, I never really had problems with tears when I am around other people. It's when I'm alone that the tears flow. I even put up the tree without tears.  I did have to take plenty of "breaks".  I think that the reason for no tears was because the tree is decorated with hearts and represents the love that I have for Chris.  There is no sadness in my love for him.  Every ornament on the tree is new, almost half of the ornaments from last year were destroyed.  I couldn't bring myself to put up any of the past years decorations anyway, that's why I bought all new ones before I knew that half were discarded. I bought a real tree and had it flocked at the florist's shop. There are two odd ornaments on the tree, one represents my minpin, Brutus, that Chris tried so hard to get to be nice to people and the cats.  And the other is a beautiful ornament that my parents gave to me that is from Chris.  It is a beautiful pewter ornament "Merry Christmas From Heaven" and has the final verse to the poem on it: "I love you all dearly, Now don't shed a tear, I'm spending my Christmas With Jesus this year."  The moment that they gave the ornament to me was the moment that I broke down and cried.  My tree represented me and how I felt about Chris.  I don't look at it as a new beginning, because every time that I did, I would start to tear up.  So, I can't think of it as anything but a tribute to Chris.  Every heart is my heart and was put on the tree with love.  I smile when I look at the tree.  I doubt that if Chris were still here that this is what our tree would look like because it's very "girly".  But, I do know that if I wanted this tree, he would proudly put it up for me because that's one thing that I know about Chris is that he loved me and whatever I wanted, if it was within his means, he wanted me to have it.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Giving Thanks

Last Thanksgiving was the last one that I spent with Chris.  We had my entire family over.  We both cooked the meal, including homemade pies.  I was so in love with him that day.  He actually helped me cook and clean.  He truly was the most wonderful loving husband, and he showed it that day.  I kept thinking that this year, I have nothing to be thankful for.  But, the more that I thought about it, the more that I realized that I do have things that I am thankful for.

I am thankful for my job.  I may hate it at times.  But, it pays really well and to be honest, I am treated pretty decent these days.  My boss is very understanding.  I truly feel as if I work for a family owned company than a huge corporation (technically, it is family owned).  Most of my co-workers are great, especially the ones that I directly interact with.  Things are busy, I have been working overtime.  But, most of all, I have a job.  That alone, I am thankful for.

I am thankful for my friends.  Yes, I have lost a couple after Chris passed away.  But, I'm not sad about it.  But, I have so many more friends that have reentered my life.  So many friends from HS that I reconnected with.  I remembered why they were my friends in high school and I know why I call them my friends now.  I have also met some new friends through Chris, even after his passing.  Some of these friends have replaced my best friends and I have become closer the them than my own friends.  I am so very thankful for these friends that have stood beside me during this past year.

I am thankful for my widda friends.  It is such a tragedy that I had to meet these wonderful people.  But, they are special to me.  They all know what I have gone through and what I am going through because they have experienced it.  They may not have experienced exactly what I did, but losing the love of your life has bonded us.  Some of them know what I have yet to go through still.  I have learned something from so many of them.  And so many of them are so dear to me.

I am thankful for my family.  I have always known that my family was great.  But, I never knew how truly magnificent they are.  Since I have been an adult, my mom has been one of my best friends.  And we have become even closer this past year.  My father has always been a hero to me.  To see his emotions last December, made him an even bigger hero in my heart.  Both of my brothers have been amazing.  And of course, I have become closer to my sister in law.  And last, but not least my four little, some not so little, nephews.  I love those little guys more than life itself.  I love when they see me how they come running up to hug and kiss me.  Those are moments worth living for.  And, no, I did not forget "the cousins".  I love you all.

I am also thankful for my in laws.  Chris's grandmother is not my grandmother in law, she is my grandmother.  I have become so close to her in the past year, it is as if I have known her all my life.  I also gained a brother, Chris's older brother.  I can't leave out his many aunts, uncles, and cousins.  They still treat me as if Chris were still here with me.  To them, I am still a member of their family and not just by name.  They are such wonderful, loving people.  I am honored to have the Cser last name.

Lastly, I am thankful for the time that I had with Chris.  While our relationship may not have been perfect.  We were a typical couple.  We loved each other with every ounce our our being.  We may not have been perfect, but we were perfect for each other.  Not a day or moment goes by that I don't think about him.  I actually do have days now where I can remember him and smile.  But, I still have more days where I'm sad when I remember him and think of the "what ifs".  I try my best to only remember the good.  But, occasionally I am reminded of that fateful night that we were separated and my heart breaks again.  At the end of each day, I am thankful that I met him.  And I am even more thankful that he chose me to be his wife.  I would not trade my time with him for anything in the world.  I cherish my memories of him because that is all that I have.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Sweetart candy canes

Sweetarts were Chris's favorite candy; definitely not the chewy ones though, he hated those ones.  So, when I was doing my Christmas shopping at Toys R Us last year, I came across Sweetart candy canes.  I bought some for Chris to put on the tree.  Needless to say, he loved them.  He loved them so much that when I went to Toys R Us on December 8, 2009, they had one box left and I bought them for him because there weren't too many left on the tree (no big surprise).  I remember that one of the candy canes was broken, probably why it was still in the store.  Chris of course didn't care and it was his excuse to eat it right away.  When I was home during my lunch hour today, I saw the candy canes hanging on our fruit basket thing in the kitchen and I couldn't help but smile.  I can't bring myself to throw them away.  Those candy canes were the last thing that I ever bought him.  Not something cool like one of his tools, or his guitar.  Or even that RC car that he wanted.  But, a box of candy canes.  At least the last thing that I bought him wasn't saved for Christmas and I know that he really liked them.  I'm smiling remembering how he was like a kid with his sweetart candy canes.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Day 2

The second day without sleep.  Well, that's not totally accurate.  I did manage to sleep for an hour, then later I got two hours of sleep.  Yet, I feel as if I slept a full 8 hours and I'm not in the least bit tired.  There is definitely an upside to not sleeping, I don't have the nightmares.  No waking up screaming in the middle of the night, no turning on the light because I'm so terrified.  Yes, I admit it, I wake up terrified of the dark.  That is a feeling that I haven't experienced since I was a child.  I now know that monsters do exist.  Not the same monsters that I imagined when I was a child, but there are monsters in this world and I have become that scared little girl, terrified of the dark.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Meds

Well, my doctor finally changed my meds.  Some good, and some not so good.  I was almost going to ask if she'd put me back on something that will jump start weight loss.  I didn't have to ask, she went ahead and put me on it.  However, it will put some other plans that I had on hold.  But, I discussed that with her and I'm fine with it.  The bad is that she took me off my night meds.  Last night was the first night without them.  I got zero sleep.  I suspect that I won't sleep again tonight either.  It's not that I'm dependant on the meds to sleep, it's that before I even took them I would stay awake for at least 48 hours at a time, crash, stay awake 48 hours, crash, etc.  I'm hoping that last night was just a fluke because I'm actually fine without the sleep because I'm tired, but not exhausted.  You can't tell that I didn't get any sleep, unless I stop and put my head down.  But, it's the headache that comes with the lack of sleep that I despise.  I haven't had a headache this bad in a long, long time.  Let's hope that I get some sleep tonight.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

What Hasn't Changed

There is one thing that hasn't changed about me since Chris passed away: my intolerance for liars.  I remember so many things, little incidental things that people say.  And when I'm being lied to, that little radar in my brain starts going off and those incidental things are remembered like it was said yesterday.  I don't normally call anyone out about the lies.  But, I will never trust anything that they say either.  I can't say that I'm perfect.  However, I really try not to lie at all.  I will never forget the one time when I was seven years old and I was caught in a lie.  I lied to my mom.  I was caught and I learned to never lie again.  Funny, I didn't even get punished for the lie; it was the shame of being caught.  So, I really try my best not to lie because I firmly believe that when you lie, you get caught.  And when you get caught, there is so much shame.  (Although, I guess that most liars don't have a conscience and don't get shamed by being caught in a lie.)  Besides, lies tend to get stacked up and you have to remember exactly what you said and who you said it to.  But, the truth never changes!

Another thing that hasn't changed is my heart.  Yes, it may have been tarnished, broken, and beaten.  But, it's still there and it's still big enough to care about people, especially people in need.  I really wish that I didn't have to be this way because all it does is make me more vulnerable to being taken advantage of.  Especially since I'm still grieving Chris and can't see clearly.  I do like that I care and want to help people, yet I sometimes trust the wrong people and open myself up to being vulnerable.  You would think that with all the anger that I have felt, I would have hardened my heart up.  But, no.  Right now, my heart is filled with sorrow.  I can't say why I still have this need and desire to help people, but I think that the reason behind it has changed.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

  1. The widow will make you an offer for something, or ask you to do something for her.
  2. You accept the offer or agree to the task.
  3. Be friendly to her at all times.
  4. Start lying to her.  Little lies at first, save the big ones for when it's necessary.
  5. Pretend to be grateful and remind her that she is the only one that can help you or that can help her.
  6. You slowly test what the limits are that you can get away with.
  7. Even though you may have a verbal/written contract, decide not to abide by those "rules and regulations" or the contract in general.  Just start ignorning the small ones, do them one by one, until you work up to the big ones.
  8. Continue to push the boundaries.
  9. Slowly ignore the widows feelings and wishes.
  10. When the widow questions something, make it out to be a small or even a non-issue.  It helps if you are a good liar. 
  11. Keep doing what the widow considers an "issue", but be very sly about it so that the widow will not notice.  (This can be tricky as the widow might actually have friends that will know the entire situation and see that the "issue" is continuing, just behind her back.)
  12. When the widow finally realizes that she is being taken advantage of, give her a guilt trip.  Turn it all back on her that what she is doing is wrong.  Even if it is something big like she wants her life back, it is wrong, wrong, wrong.  Just make sure that when you do this guilt trip, you seem indispensible, as if she is the only one that can help you or you are the only one that can help her. 
  13. Do not ever get hostile with the widow; and never, never show anger towards her.  This will only work against you.  You always need to seem like you need help and she is the only one that can help you, or that you are the only one that can help her.
  14. Lastly, keep track of the lies that you tell.  This is extremely important because she might actually remember one of the lies that you have told and then start to question everything you have said.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Rings

I still wear my wedding ring.  I have no desire to remove it, I am still married to Chris (despite what some heartless people want to say); in my heart and in the eyes of God, we are still married.  I used to wear his ring around a necklace, but the chain broke and I now wear it on my right hand.  I feel an obligation to him to wear his ring and never remove it.  Chris never took his ring off, it was a symbol of our love and he loved me as much as I loved him.  (I am sure of that!)  Yet, it bothers me that it is now on my hand and not on his.  I bothers so much that because some monster murdered him, a pathologist removed his ring and I was handed his ring in a bag.  I still cry when I think about his ring being handed to me in that bag.  That was the first moment that I felt that he was gone, and that it wasn't a mistake.  I knew that it was real because Chris would have never removed his ring himself. 

I should not be the one to wear his ring, he should be wearing it!  I am so angry about that.  I really hate that this ring is not on his left hand.  Every time that I look at it, I am reminded that he is not here to wear it.  I am reminded that a monster once lived near me.  I am reminded of how horrifically Chris left this world.  I want nothing more than to put this ring on his finger and be with him again.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Two Is Better Than One

No words today.  A message just for Chris, just the way he would give it to me.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Nothing

My heart is still filled with nothing.  The hate that I used to feel has dissipated, it's not gone but it's days of tarnishing my heart are over. The love that I felt for Chris is so deep down that it is being hidden behind all the sorrow and grief.  I feel like nothing and nobody today.  All that I want to do is crawl under my covers and disappear forever.  Well, there's always the weekend for that.  It seems that these days I only look forward to the weekends so that I can disappear.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Put a Fork In Me...

I'm done.  I can't do this anymore.  I'm tired of not being able to sleep.  I'm tired of crying every single moment that I'm alone.  I'm tired of being lonely.  I'm just tired.  This life sucks.  I so badly want this to be a dream and I want to wake up right now.

I'm tired of being OK one moment and feeling at my worst the very next moment.  I just can't handle this.  I'm not strong.  Those that think that I am just aren't seeing me.  I have moments when I think, yeah, I am strong, I can do this.  But, the reality is it's my medications that make it seem as if I can survive this.  I am not that strong.  I'm just ready to have my nightmare end.

Monday, November 8, 2010

11 Months

So, I'm on 11 months now.  I told Father K Saturday that I was "coping" and "learning to accept".  Yet, I had few tears.  Just two days later and I can barely function.  I was working in an area where I was all alone.  Just me and my iPod, listening to music that meant something to both me and Chris.  I had a complete meltdown.  I was crying so hard, I couldn't even breathe.  I miss him, I don't want to live without him.  Unless you have lost someone such as a spouse, you will not know how it feels.  There is a complete void; not just in your heart, but in your soul and in your life.  It seems like everything will bring either a memory or sadness because he will never experience it.  I just don't see what the point to life is.  Can someone please tell me?

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Less Anger and More Acceptance

I went to church tonight at Chris's cousin's church.  I've had to call Father K in the past because of all the anger that I felt.  He has been such a tremendous help to me.  I was happy to tell him that I am feeling less anger these days.  It still creeps up, but for the most part, I'm doing better.  I'm accepting things and that there is nothing that I can do about it.  I still would like to know why, but I know that the monster that did this will never say why, I mean he can't even own up to what he did.  Yet, I suspect that there is one person that knows why he did it.  I am positively convinced that he told her that he did it and I'm also convinced that he told her why.  Regardless, whatever the reason, it was senseless.  I'm also convinced that Shannon Holmes is a psychopath.  (I'll write about that another day.)  But, at the end of the day, I feel less and less anger.  I can't change what has happened.  No matter how much I pray that the past will change, it is done.  So, I'm working on accepting it and every step of acceptance I make, I feel less anger.  That does not mean that I will forgive that monster, but it means that I can forget about him. 

Thursday, November 4, 2010

He Actually Loved ME

I read something today and it really got me thinking.  Chris was a wonderful, wonderful person and he loved ME!!  I was the one that he married, nobody else.  I was the one that he wanted to stop drinking for, nobody else!!!  And that, I have recorded on my phone.  He told me that he wanted to stop drinking for me.  He said that he was afraid to lose me and he knew that his drinking was pushing me away.  He told me that everything that he did was for me (except the drinking.)  So, when I am having a bad day and think that I am invisible and alone, I will just remember that the greatest man that I have ever known loved me.  He loved me exactly the way that I was.  He loved me when I woke up in the morning, he loved me when I went to sleep at night.  He loved me when I looked like hell and he loved me when I looked my best.  He loved me when we fought, he loved me even more when we said sorry.  I could see the love in his eyes when he looked at me.  He never stopped loving me, his last words were "I love you," at least to me they were.  He really did love me unconditionally.  Sure, we had our moments where we were not so nice to each other.  But, at the end of the day, we loved each other even more.

So, when I am feeling down about myself, I think of this wonderful man that loved me for exactly who I am.  God, I miss him.  I know that he is waiting for me in the afterlife, whatever that may be.  I know that we will be reunited and it will seem like nothing has ever separated us.  I love you Chris, I will never stop loving you.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

The Day of the Dead

The day of the dead has many names: All Soul's Day, Día de los Muertos, Zaduszki, just to name a few.  Cultures all over the world celebrate November 2.  They honor those that have passed before them.  Chris and I celebrated November 2 for a different reason.  November 2, 2007 we vowed to dedicate our lives and our love to one another.  We vowed to love, honor and cherish each other until "death do us part".  I never really liked the last part, because we are soul mates and our love extends beyond death.  We are both Catholic and believe in an afterlife.  We believe that in the eyes of God, we are married for all of eternity.  Chris was my first true love.  I felt something special when I met him.  There was a spark inside my heart the moment he said "hello."  He will never be forgotten and my love for him will never cease nor wane.  Today is a day to celebrate, yet I spent it alone and in tears.  All day long I thought of all the things that we would be doing today if he were still here.  I do that often, "if he were still here..."  I hate that.  One more thing to add to my list of things that I hate.  Today, the void in my heart was especially noticeable.  Chris should have been here with me today, we should have celebrated our marriage.  I should not be mourning his passing.  I should not be here alone right now.  My life is filled with shoulds and woulds, and should nots and would nots.  I believe that Chris is here with me now, just in spirit.  But, that is not the way that it should be.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Terror and anxiety

I have been having the worst nightmares lately.  I have actually woken up screaming, and more than once.  I don't know why, at this point in my grief, the nightmares are so severe.  I am certainly "not over it"; but, I am dealing with this new life better now than before.  Maybe I'm starting to accept it and that is so terrifying for me.  But, the nightmares are so intense and so real.  I haven't been afraid of the dark since I was a child.  But, when I wake from these nightmares, I have to turn on a light.  I just don't understand it.

I made the appointment with the specialist today.  I can't get in to see him until over two weeks from now.  I'm already riddled with anxiety, and even though I know in my heart that it's going to be OK, I get more anxious every day.  I am being told that it's not a big deal, but I am terrified that I might have to have surgery.  Even if it's laser surgery, I'm terrified.  I'm even more terrified of the consequences of not addressing it.  So, I will have to learn to live with this new anxiety for a couple more weeks.  I mean, I've learned to live with all the grief and anxiety associated with losing Chris, this is nothing compared to that.