Friday, October 29, 2010

Bad News

I went to the doctor today and got some bad news (not life threatening, that would actually be good news), but it is certainly something that I fear I will have to address.  And it's one of my worst health fears too!!  All I want to do is have Chris hold me and tell me that it will be OK.  He is the only one that I want to talk to about it; he is the only one that I want to comfort me.  But thanks to a real life monster, I don't know if he can hear me when I talk to him about it.  But, no matter how much I talk to him, he will never again be able to comfort me.  Just one more thing that I feel so alone about.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Walking alone

I feel as if I'm making this lonely widow's walk alone. Nobody near me understands the pain that I am in. Nobody understands the ups and the downs. Nobody understands that this is not something that you "just get over".  Unfortunately the only ones that do understand are the ones who are walking the widow walk too. Yet it seems that right now those on this walk as well are actually doing well right now. I don't want to call them to say help me, because I don't want to bring them down.  So, for now, I am walking alone and I'm lost.  I don't know where I'm at and I don't know where I'm going.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

The Faucet

My bathroom faucet has been dripping for close to three months.  I finally decided to fix it today.  I proudly unscrewed the end and took it with me to the store to get replacement parts.  I wasn't sure if I needed a washer or the other part.  When the guy told me that the problem was actually in the faucet and started to explain how to fix it (meaning taking the entire faucet apart), I nearly cried on the spot.  Not because of the stupid faucet but because if Chris were here, it would have been fixed months ago, the first day that it started to drip.  He would have rode his bike up to the store, gotten the part and fixed it.  He would know what needed to be done.  Just one more reminder that he's gone and that I'm lost without him.  This stupid faucet has pushed me back at least a dozen steps.  How can he be gone? I know that I've survived this far, but how can I keep going?  Stupid faucet...

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I Can't Believe It

I can't believe that I've survived this long without Chris.  It has been just over 10 months since that fateful night.  My anxiety has subsided, it still pops it's ugly head in to say hello every now and again.  But, certainly not like it used to.  I think that there are two things that have gotten me to this point.  The first is the obvious, seeing that Chris got justice.  For the longest time, when I wanted to end it all, I would say to myself, "just get through the trial."  And I managed to do that.  The second thing is my medications.  I know that I would be an absolute basketcase without them.  I still grieve, I still pray for death.  But, I manage to get myself out of bed every day.  Of course I still have the occasional day where I stay in bed until just before work.  But, the main thing is that I get out of bed everyday.  I can't say that I'm living my life to the fullest, because those days are behind me.  I still don't see the point in living without my beloved.  But, I tredge along and do some small things that bring a smidge of happiness to me.  The only thing that will bring true happiness is to have a family with Chris, and I'm thinking that it will never happen.  So, I have to make the best of my days, or aleast as best as I can make my days, until I can be reunited with Chris.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Why?

I find myself asking the question of why more often these days.  I ask God every night Why?  I ask Chris every day Why?  I want to know why this happened.  But, then again, if I knew why it wouldn't change anything.  It wouldn't magically transport me back to that fateful day.  Chris wouldn't suddenly appear and say that he's back.  But, I still want to know why this happened.  If it wasn't at the hands of another human, I might just say that it was his time.  But, it wasn't.  An actual living breathing so-called human intentionally did this, and all I am left with are questions.  What could one individual do to another that would be so bad as to inflict this kind of pain?  I doubt that I will ever have the answer.  But, I will not stop asking.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

UGH!!!

What a frustrating day...

I finally got the peg dope for the cello and the pegs still slip.  Not quite as bad, they are only slipping a note or two.  So I think it's about time to make a call to find out what else I can do.  Next, I finally decide to tune the new violin (I know, long enough right?  But, I've been playing my old one, which the tone is absolutely beautiful).  When I finally took out the violin, I discovered that it has steel strings!!!!  Which I absolutely abhor!  But, to my delight, it stayed in tune.  So, I will have to take another trip out to Shar's in Ann Arbor so that I can buy some strings.

While I wasn't really happy with the way the instruments are coming along, I started working out again today.  And it actually did put me in a good mood.  And with the good mood comes a smile or two.  Then out of the blue, Joe Friday decides to give me the third degree as to why I'm happy.  And each answer gets a "why?" response.  Now, I feel guilty because I actually am smiling for a change.  I just don't get it.  When I'm miserable, I'm told to cheer up.  When I'm happy, I'm questioned about it.  I guess that I should just stop doing anything that will bring me joy and then once again hide my misery.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Positive Thinking

It seems like everyone I know right now is thinking positively.  Whether it be daily affirmations or just an optimistic saying.  So, it's prompted me to give it a try as well and maybe it will brighten my mood.

  • I am be a better person because Chris was in my life.
  • I love better because I know what true love is.
  • I have become a stronger person because of what I have had to endure.
  • I feel such sorrow because I continue to love Chris with all my heart.
  • I smile and laugh because he loved to see me happy.
  • I honor his memory because every day I live for us both.
  • I cherish life because I know how quickly it can be taken away.
  • I should let go of the anger and bitterness because that is the woman that Chris fell in love with.
  • I can take better care of myself because that is the woman that Chris wanted me to be.
  • I continue to live because that is what Chris will want.
  • I will always love and honor Chris because he will always be a part of my heart.

Maybe if I say this daily, I will begin to believe it.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

A Letter to My Husband's Murderer

Dear Prisoner #345719,

I cannot and will not acknowledge you by name, I still do not think of you as anything but a monster.  Even the sight or sound of your given name sends shivers down my spine.  I do not think of you nearly as much as I used to.  You are merely a gnat that sometimes buzzes around my head, yet I just can't seem to get rid of you.  However, I still hate you and my heart has no room for forgiveness because there is too much grief and sorrow.  I feel that you will only confess your sin against Christopher when faced with death yourself.  I have been contacted by X, twice.  I will tell you that I only wish to hear from you, X, or anyone else associated with you if I am to be told why you killed Christopher.  Why can't you just be a man and admit to your crimes?  I can understand why you won't ask for forgiveness from me, but what of your family?  You do owe me and Christopher's family an explanation, a reason as to why you committed this heinous act against my beloved Christopher.  I had to kneel down by his side, helpless as I watched the life drain out of him.  He was the absolute only man that I have ever loved, and he will remain the only man that I will ever love for all of eternity.  You took him away from me, you took him away from his son, and you took his son away from me.  I am left with nothing but memories.  And because of you, I can't even say that all of those memories are wonderful.

I don't understand how a human being can inflict that much pain upon another human.  That is why I do not think that you are human at all.  I think that when you are on your death bed, you will confess your sin.  You will ask God for mercy for what you have done to his son, Christopher.  I know that you will never ask for forgiveness from me.  Which is actually a good thing, because I am not ready to forgive you, and I will not ever forgive you.  Instead, I have cast you from my mind with the occasional remembrance.  You may have fooled your family and friends, but I see right through you to your very core.  I have seen first hand the evil that resides in you.  I can see the demon in your eyes. Yes, this letter is written with hate in my heart.  But, I ask you that if anyone had committed such a heinous crime against you, would you be kind or freely offer your forgiveness?  I still love Christopher, I will never stop loving him.  I will always remember him fondly.  If I had one wish for you it would be that you live a long, miserable life alone.  I would wish that every single person that you ever loved forget about you and only those that despise you remember you.

Forever,
The lonely widow

Friday, October 8, 2010

Tears

I really would like to know why when I am crying the majority of people say "don't cry, you're going to make me cry too."  Even my male friends say that.  Why not let me cry?  So, I guess that these people's comfort level is much more important than my pain?  Tears are something that will help alleviate the pain.  They are a release for me.  They represent my sorrow.  Sure, there are many times that I have been able to abstain from crying, because apparently my tears make others uncomfortable.  So, when I'm at my worst, am I supposed to constantly suck it up so that other people are not uncomfortable?  I do try to cry in private, too many people think that I am strong even when I am not even close to being strong.  But, there are times when I need to cry, no matter where I'm at or what I'm doing.  I guess that I'm being selfish when I cry.  I actually said to one of the perpetrators "well, when you experience even half the loss that I did, I'll bet that will have a hard time holding back the tears.  Yet, I will still be here for you to cry on my shoulder."  Holding back the tears is something that I have been a master at for the most part.  Yet, there are days when I can hold back no more.  I need to let them flow freely, and shame on anyone that tells me to surpress them.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

A bleak day

I really don't have much to say today.  It's been a very bleak day.  Yet, the sun continued to shine outside, the temperature was perfect, and it seemed everything outside my little world was perfect.  So, I closed my blinds and just zoned out on the couch because my mood was so very dark today.  I want this day to be over.  I want this pain to be over.  I somehow think that if I fall asleep, the pain will go away.  But, I know in my heart that when I wake in the morning, the pain will still be here.  All that I can hope for is that it isn't as intense as it has been the last 18 hours.

I'm trying to move forward, but it's the little things that hit you and knock you off your feet, unable to move and function.  Yet, I continue to try, but every step of the way I continue to ask myself "what for?"

Progress?

Have I been making progress?  I finally canceled his cell phone tonight.  I feel like it was one step forward.  Yet I'm in tears and the pain is so intense.  I feel like I just fell a dozen steps backward.  Why does it hurt so badly?  Well, I know why it hurts so badly.  It's one more step to the realization that he is not coming home.  I don't necessarily call that progress.  It sucks.  Now, if I call his phone number a stranger will answer.  I know that Chris will never answer the phone again, but I suppose that I never wanted to admit that. 

This is just the latest thing that has me asking 'why'?  Why did my beloved Christopher have to lose his life?  I know that he is here with me in spirit, but I am not strong enough to get through this.  All that I want is to have Chris back, all I need is him.  I don't know how I can continue to live without him.  This was just one more thing that has me going both forward and backward at the same time.  Nobody ever said that grief was simple.  I hate it, I hate this new life that I am being forced to live.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Breathe

Breathe, just breathe
Take the world off your shoulders
And put it on me

Chris was always there to lend his shoulder.  No matter what happened, he was my rock.  Now, I'm alone.  I don't have those shoulders anymore, the time in my life that I need him the most, he's not here.  I feel so alone.  I'm not even sure if I want anyone else's shoulders.  I so desperately need someone to lean on, but the one person that I want is not here.  And if he were here, I wouldn't need to lean on him so badly.  My life was complete with Chris in it.  Now, I'm just a shell of a person.  I have to learn exactly how to become whole again.  I have to learn how to live with the hole in my heart.  My heart is broken, I am broken.  I suppose the day that I am reunited with Chris will be the day that I am complete again.

There are so many more lyrics to this song that I can relate to.  But, right now, what I need is Chris.  And that is the one thing that I will never have again.  I have tried to live my life, I have tried to put this in the past.  But, every night when I climb into bed, I am reminded of the nightmare that happened.  Every day on my drive home from work, I want him to call.  I want him to call and tell me that he's OK.  I am trying my best to live my life free from the pain.  But, it's so hard when I feel so alone and that there aren't any shoulders for me to cry on. 

Monday, October 4, 2010

A Battle Within

There is no moving on.  There is no getting over it.  There isn't even a getting by it.  I am learning.  I am learning to deal with this nightmare that I must now call my life.  There is this struggle going on within me.  It is a battle between my grief, my anger and my true self.  Some days the grief will win and I am thrown deep into depression.  Those days are the hardest because I just don't want to live to see the end, because it seems like it is never ending.  There are the days where the anger gains momentum.  I am transformed into an angry, hateful woman.  Then there are the days where my true self will tow ahead.  Those are also known as "good days."  I am able to function, I am able to actually say "I will survive this."  And most days, I actually believe it.   

I often wonder, where exactly is my life going?  Will the grief win?  Will I be plunged into a deep depression, so deep that as I try to crawl my way out, I just end up digging myself down deeper?  Or will my true self win?  Will I be able to live my life sans nightmares?  Or will the hate win?  Will I end up that old angry, resentful and bitter woman?

I do want my old self back.  But, I am afraid that she is gone forever.  People say that we cannot change, "A leopard cannot change it's spots."  But, we do in fact change.  We are molded everyday by our encounters.  Most encounters don't make an impact on us.  But, there are others that dramatically change who we are.  I liked the sweet caring person that I was.  But, the world has shown me too much.  My true identity has been tarnished and scarred.  I have been molded into a new person.  I don't like the person that I am today.  Chris would not like the person that I am today.  But, I do have days where my old self makes an appearance.  And I have hope that she is not gone forever.  But, it is the grief and the anger that I do not like.  I am constantly battling them both.  They may mold my shell into something harder, but let's hope that they decide to leave my core alone.