Monday, August 30, 2010

Too much to ask for

I had a pretty decent day yesterday.  I met two amazing widows from this area.  And I had hope that it will get better.  I learned something very important from each of these women.  And I am grateful for having the opportunity to meet them.  I actually went to bed without being sad, I wasn't quite happy, but I definitly wasn't sad.  I actually thought that I would be able to survive this.  I still missed Chris, but I saw that I can still love and miss him and not be miserable.

But, I guess that two days in a row with that attitude is way too much to ask for.  I cannot stress enought that it seems when I take one step forward, I am taking one huge leap backward.  It started when I was talking to PG about the trial, the outcome and restitution.  Then I was talking to PR about Chris, the next thing I know, I'm full blown crying.  The tears were just streaming down my cheeks.  They still are.  I will take the tears and the sadness because I'm actually not angry or hateful, which is a good thing.  A very, very good thing.  I will take feeling like this anyday over feeling hate.  But, I really wish that I could have at least two days in a row where I don't cry when I talk about him.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Choices

Everyday we are faced with many choices.  Some are small, while others are major. But, there is one choice that we all make without even thinking about it.  It is the choice of how to react to situations.  Some reactions are automatic and natural, such as laughing or grieving.  But, it is the other choices that we are forced to make that we don't even realize that we had a choice.  I am talking about that we choose how we are going to react when someone upsets us.  Our automatic and natural response is to get angry.  And yes, that has been my go-to reaction when I have been upset lately.  However, I have decided that no matter what is said or written about me, I am not going to let it anger me.  I have been angry for far too long.  And, I am still angry about what has happened to Chris, that is an anger that will last for God knows how long.  But, I will not succumb to the adolescent name calling and accusations.

But, I have decided to find peace with people that I have been harboring so much anger towards.  I do understand that they are hurting and angry; they are looking for someone to blame.  I know in my heart and head that he is the one responsible for these unspeakable acts against my husband.  There is no doubt about it, and there was no doubt about it with the jury.  The very definition of a guilty verdict is that the crime was proven beyond a reasonable doubt.  Which means that the jury found that there in fact was proof in the evidence that was presented.  And hopefully, one day these people will realize that Shannon is indeed guilty.  I do not want nor expect an apology, but I do believe that the day of reckoning will come when Shannon will finally admit to his crimes.  I may be delusional, but I do believe that he will attempt to atone for his sins one day.  However, I don't think that day will come for a very long time.  I would like to think that he will someday admit his guilt.  And in the meantime, to his family and friends, I will pray that they will find some sort of peace.

I understand that it is hypocritical for me to be saying that others need to find peace when i am finding it so hard to do myself.  However, my husband is the one that was murdered; these people still have their loved one to see and talk to.  Before I can find peace with anyone, I need to find peace with what was done to him.  And, I cannot stress enough that what was done was stuff that nightmares are made of.  Each day that passes and I am without him, I am starting to really grasp that he is not coming home.  And with that realization brings me some peace.  I know that I have a long road ahead of me, but I am going to choose to release this anger and hate little by little.  It has been difficult, and I may never be to the point where I can forgive.  However, I can be to the point where I forget about the players in this nightmare that I have called my life.  So, I am making the choice today to begin my healing.

Friday, August 27, 2010

I smiled

I actually had a good moment where I smiled when I thought of Chris.  A random song came on my iPod, and I couldn't help but smile.  Of course, it reminded me of Chris.  I first heard this song at work, and I just knew that Chris would love it.  And sure enough, he did.  He loved this video.  In particular, the part after he crashes the car and puts on his broken sunglasses.  Oh, and also where officer "Larry Wilcox" aka officer Jon Baker from CHiPs arrests him (a fact that I missed).  He downloaded it right away; he smiled and sang it loudly every time that he heard it. I'm smiling right now as I remember and write this down.  God, I miss him.  I would give anything in this world just to see him smile and sing this song again!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

When I Look to the Sky

Chris loved music.  When he needed to express something and couldn't find the words, he would play something and sing it to me.  It seemed that no matter what he was doing, aside from watching tv, he was playing music.  I used to get so mad at him sometimes because he would have the volume turned up so loud that I couldn't think.  I would ask him to turn it down and he would.  But, he would gradually creep up the volume again.  I would give absolutely anything to have that back.  One of the bands that Chris liked was Train.  He used to pay "Meet Virginia" all the time.  He loved the line "smokes a pack a day, but wait, that's me, but anyway."

So, I was listening to this song today.  Every time that I hear it, I think of Chris.  I have it on my iPod and listen to it constantly.  Somedays, I can just feel him with me and I feel selfish because I want him with me instead of moving on.  Yet, I know that when I'm having a bad day, I can think of the good times that we shared and it helps get me through a rough patch.


Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Forever Young

Every time I hear this song, I think of Chris.  I was never excited about growing old, but after meeting Chris and having our morning coffee everyday, I actually looked forward to growing old with him.  We live on a semi-major road.  At all times of the day and night, cars are driving past.  Chris would always joke that when we got old we would still have our coffee on the porch.  We would replace the comfy wicker chairs with rockers.  He said that every time a car would speed past too fast or would have it's radio up too loud that when we were old he would pump his fist in the air and say "Darned you kids!!  Slow down" or "turn down that crap that you call music, in my day we had MUSIC, not that crap that you kids listen to these days."  And the smile on his face as he said it was priceless.  I have yet to have my coffee on the porch anymore, it's just too painful.  As a matter of fact, I have only sat on the porch once since the incident.  I had always thought that life was worth living when Chris was in my life.  I actually looked forward to getting old and sharing my life with him.  We were robbed of that.  I no longer wish to grow old.  I will be the old lady on the block that kids are afraid of, instead of cats, I'll have dogs.  I just can't see my future anymore.  I wish that I could have grown old with Chris.  But, Chris will always be "Forever Young"

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

A Song for Christopher

I heard this and thought that it was so perfect...

Healing

I am trying my best to release the anger and hate that I have right now.  I actually called Chris's cousin, who is a Catholic priest, and discussed it with him.  I have also been in touch with my own priest to find some healing.  They both said that what I am feeling is natural and expected.  Also the fact that I am bothered by it means that I will be able to heal.  It was also said that God will understand my feelings and when I am ready, He will help me release them.  However, it will take time.

I would really like to know how long this healing will take place.  This anger and hate that I feel is not me.  It is definitely not the woman that Chris fell in love with.  Trust me, I do not like this negativity to reside inside me.  I once said that this hate is like a disease, like a virus.  Well, it is.  It is spreading into other aspects of my life.  I have become less tolerant of people.  When someone says something that I don't like, I will immediately let them know exactly how I feel.  The old me would be able to just let small things slide.

I do understand that some of my posts have shown this anger.  It may be directed in various directions lately.  However, I feel this anger is justified.  What has happened was horrible.  I am finding it very hard to let go of this anger.  But, I have never lost my faith in God.  I have never blamed God for this tragedy.  I truly believe that it will be my faith that I will be able to release some of this hate and anger.

I once said that it would be easier to forgive if the forgiveness was asked for.  I don't mean that in order to receive forgiveness I must be asked to forgive.  I just mean that it will be so much easier.  Some of my hate has been directed at people who are close to Shannon.  I am not at all going to say that it is right, but I have my reasons.  Well, recently I was contacted by one of those people.  I decided not to publish the comment as I felt that it was a very personal statement.  But, I would like to say to this person thank you for your thoughtful comments.  You certainly did not ask for me to forgive anyone, but you showed some compassion.  Whether your comments were genuine or not, it has helped me lift some of the negative feelings that I have been harboring. 

Monday, August 23, 2010

Picture

I added the picture to my blog today.  It is my favorite picture of Chris, despite the fact that he is wearing sunglasses and you cannot see his eyes.  It is his smile that I love.  Chris didn't smile that big too often.  (He wanted braces, his argument was that he would smile more, and bigger if his teeth were straight.) 

But, the reason that I love this picture is the reason behind the smile.  That was one of his happiest days.  We were on Mackinac Island riding our bikes.  He was so happy because at that moment, he had everything in his life right before him:
  • He loved riding his bike.
  • He loved the outdoors.
  • He loved spending time with his son.
  • He bought me my bike so that I could go riding with him, something that he had been bugging me to do.
  • He loved being around family.
  • He loved spending time up north, it was his favorite place in the world.
  • He loved being with me.
I took that photo on the spur of the moment with my iPhone.  He was just looking at me with such a big smile on his face.  He was so happy that day.  This is how I will forever see Chris.

All About Chris

Chris had a very tough life.  His mother passed away when he was just 8 years old.  One day she was home and feeling ill.  His father took her to the hospital where she was admitted, she never left; her kidneys failed.  I know how devastated Chris was.  At her funeral, Chris dropped down to the ground and held the edge of her grave and cried that he wasn't going to leave his mother there.  Chris never forgot his mother, however, he did say that he couldn't remember exactly what she looked like anymore and he didn't have any pictures of her.  (I found two pictures of them together, and neither one was she looking at the camera, she was looking at him in them both.)  When I was looking through some of the stuff that he did have, there was a homework assignment that he had saved.  It was about what he wanted to do with his life.  He said that he wanted to be married and have kids.  That was his main goal when he was an adult.

I can only assume how devastated his father was by this too.  His father had a drinking problem, and Chris thought that drinking in excess was the norm.  I know all too well about grief and anger.  I never met his father, so I really can't say how he felt, I can only assume.  From what I understand, Chris was at the wrong side of that anger.  However, he had many aunts and uncles that took him in from time to time when things got too rough for him at home.

Chris lived wherever he could when he became an adult.  But, when his father was sick with lung cancer, he moved back home to take care of him.  From the conversations that I had with Chris, I could tell that his life was so incredibly rough, but I know that he did indeed love his father.  Chris's father died in his arms.

Chris told me that he started drinking when he was just 12 years old.  There is a long standing argument over whether or not genetics is responsible for alcoholism or not.  I don't have the answer, and I don't want to go into his family's history or alcoholism or lack thereof.  But, I do know that Chris and his father both suffered from it.  He tried so hard to overcome it.  I am in no way excusing his habit, but he used alcohol to escape from his reality.  For more than half of his short life, he resorted to alcohol to escape his problems.

I don't know if anyone in Chris's past tried to help him overcome it, aside from his family that is.  I know that his family tried for years to help him, and I can say that they never turned their backs on him.  Chris's family is wonderful, and I have come to know why Chris loved them so dearly.  However, the rest of the people that were active in his life seemed to turn the other cheek when it came to his drinking.  And while he was ordered, many times, to enter rehab, it wasn't until he married me that he actually went, and planned on making it work.  The day before the incident, he actually told me that he was ready to enter an inpatient center.  I did give him an ultimatum, either me or the drinking.  There wasn't room for us both.  I was afraid that his drinking was going from a twice a week thing to an everyday occurrence again.  That was something that Chris, I, nor his son could afford.

I wonder every single day what would have become of Chris if he wasn't attacked that night.  I would like to think that he would finally be sober.  We would be fighting for custody of his son.  And, we would have a child of our own.  Everyday, I wonder "what would we be doing right now?"  Chris was a good man.  While he had made mistakes throughout his life, he did not deserve what happened to him.  Chris was finally in a better place here on earth.  He was finally living his life the way that he had dreamed when he was a child.  He had a great home, a son, and a wife that loved him more than life.  His dream had come true, unfortunately, he wasn't able to live that dream for very long.

Friday, August 20, 2010

A Community That I Didn't Know Existed

All my life I thought that widows were old, or at least older than I am.  They had a long life shared with their spouses.  I never gave a thought to those that are young and leave behind young spouses.  I really don't know which would be worse, living nearly a lifetime with your spouse and losing him, or living a short time with him and being robbed of that future.  I think that they are so dramatically different, yet no less painful.  But, we exist at any age, young or old.  Each and every person will unfortunately experience the loss of a loved one over our lifetime.  However, there is none like the loss of a spouse, especially when you both are young.  It seems like when a young life is lost, it's always tragic.  No matter how the loss was, it is tragic.  There's a reason for that, it's because the younger that you are, the more future that you have been robbed of.  Also, when you are young and just starting your family, the entire family has lost their future and they must take a different course through life.

Earlier this year, I was fortunate to meet some wonderful widows and widowers that are close to my age.   I think that I represent about the middle of the age range.  These men and women are remarkable.  Each story is different and unique, but we all share a bond.  And that bond is something that I cherish.  I would like to think that there are a few that I have a special friendship with now.  Yet, no matter how close we are or aren't, I know that I will always be able to lean on any one of them regardless of what he or she is dealing with at the moment that I need help.  I have found that even in my darkest moments if one of my widda friends needs me, I can forget about my woes and help out.  And yet, it helps me get through the darkness as well.  They are the ones that truly understand what we have lost and know that there is no gettting over it.

Last night was not a good night for me.  I truly thought that magically everything was going to be over yesterday.  But, as we all know nothing in life is that simple.  So, a great widow reached out to me and helped me.  We discussed at length what the judge had said to me.  She helped me really see what the judge was trying to say.  I think that after last night some of the fog is starting to clear.  I still have my anger, but it has lessened; she helped me realize that fogiveness is helpful, but that when I am ready to forgive, I will be able to do so.  She helped me realize that since there is no possibility of parole, there is no reason for me to even think about this monster that did this.  And she is absolutely right. 

For the first time since December, I have actually made plans for my future.  And I would have never been able to do it without the help of my widda friends.  They have actually walked a mile in my shoes, they know the hell that I go through everyday, and yet they are always there offering me some support.  All of my widda friends will always have a special place in my heart!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

The Sentencing

Today was the sentencing for Shannon Maurice Holmes. I already knew that he was going to get life without parole. But, I wanted to have my say.  There was so much more that I wanted to say, but I had to cut it short.  The judge only allowed me to speak. The monsters sister wanted to speak, but the judge said that she had no right to speak and wouldn't allow it.  I wonder what she would have said, that he was a good, kind man and didn't do this?  Something like that would have been futile because I'm sure that in the judges eyes, he received a fair trial and was found guilty by 12 random, non biased people. 


I did get a bit of a lecture from the judge. She started out by saying how horrible this must be and she couldn't imagine what I was going through. Then she told me about forgiveness and that I had mentioned God... I did say in my statement that as a Christian, I am ashamed of the anger and hate and that I cannot forgive. She said that we can't pick and choose the doctrine and that I needed to find forgiveness and release my hate and anger, also how it would fester within me. She also said that I needed to start living my life again, if not for me, then for my husband and his memory. She said that as long as I hold on to the anger and let it consume me, I would let "the enemy" take control of my life. She basically said that it was over today and that I needed to find some peace and begin to heal.  I absolutely understand and do agree with her.  However, it is obvious that she has not lost a husband, especially in such a violent manner. It is so easy to tell someone that they need to let go of the anger and forgive.  It is very difficult and if I am able to do so, it will take time, a long time.

She did lecture him as well, and she wasn't as nice or understanding about it at all. She told him that he needed to stop blaming others for his crimes and mistakes. That he needed to take the blame and become a man.

I'm glad that it is over with. My husband's grandmother said it best today, "it felt like we were going to a funeral." Just the other day, I was thinking that my days were getting better despite a setback that I had and that once the sentencing was over, I would feel better. But, I don't. I actually feel worse. I feel more alone and empty than I did months ago. The wound feels fresh and hurts just as bad as the day it happened.  I do recognize how this anger and hate will affect me. I always thought of myself as a forgiving person, I really do care about people, yet right now, my grief is so overwhelming that I cannot see past it.  Maybe in time, I can find some forgiveness.  But, I think that unless this monster can admit to his crime and seek penance, it will not be easy.

Dear Anonymous Commenter:

I am so sorry for your loss.  I can certainly understand your horror and frustration of knowing that your friend/relative is a cold blooded killer.  I actually thought that a couple members of Shannon's family were good hearted. But, when I felt the cold steel emotions and their true colors showed, I quickly realized that they had no feeling towards the fact that my husband lost his life so tragically; whether they thought Shannon did it or not. That said, please be aware that you are beating a dead horse with leaving your comments for me to read.  I am sorry to report that I did not read them in their entirety.  I did not read them because they lacked ingenuity and intelligence.

The only part that I read that evoked a marginal reaction was where you claim to know whether or not Chris is at peace.  How dare you!!  How dare you speak about my husband as if you truly knew him , or even knew him at all! I heard him say correctly who did this, he said "SHANNON", so I know that he is at peace.  I can proclaim without a doubt that if he didn't want "his friend" to go down for this, he wouldn't have answered "SHANNON" when I asked who did it.  And why did Jennifer state in the Dearborn court that they were not friends?  Did you miss that testimony? But then again, she has established herself as a liar.  I can assure you that Chris is at peace and definitely not rolling over!

In closing, please do not bother leaving your comments with me any more because I will not read them and I will not post them for others to read.   Or at least be brave enough to identify yourself.  If you are unhappy with my writing or think that I am saying something that is untrue, you may sue me for libel.  If you are unhappy with the guilty verdict, that is guilty without a doubt verdict, please feel free to contact any one of the 12 members of the jury.  Because they are the ones that convicted Shannon Holmes of this brutal crime.  As far as I'm concerned, this case will be over tomorrow and I will not allow you, your family or the monster any of my precious real estate in my mind.

Regards,
Mrs. Cser

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Walk a Mile in My Shoes

I'm not sure why people, especially people that do not know me, think that they know how I should grieve. Why do people think that I should be "better" or "over this"?  This is not a minor loss that I suffered.  My life has forever been altered, and not in a good, beneficial way.  So, why at 8 months should I be ready to move on, take my wedding ring off, or stop lamenting about Chris?  Please step into my shoes and tell me if you experienced and saw what I did, that you would be ready to move on so quickly.  It was, still is, a  living nightmare that I cannot wake up from.  I felt like I literally walked on the set of CSI.  But, unfortunately, this is real, it is my life.

I also didn't know that there was an etiquette behind grieving.  I would like to know who the author is so that I can properly grieve for my husband.  According to people, some of which again do not know me, I either cry too much, or not enough.  Or I cry no tears (as if I would even allow such people to get close enough to me to see the tears flow.)  I would like to know something, are you peeping in my windows at night?  Are you following me in my car to monitor my moods?  Do you have cameras installed in my home, car and work?  Or have you just hired someone to monitor my moods for you?  I would really like to know, again, if you were in my shoes, how exactly would you react?  I have had time for the initial shock to wear off.  I can tell this story time after time without emotion because quite frankly, it isn't MY story, or OUR story.  It is just a story that I read or saw on TV.  I still don't believe what has happened.  I can't say it enough that I sit and wait for him to come home.  I want nothing more than for this to be false, for this to never have happened.

Also, are you a pharmacist filling my prescriptions at my pharmacy?  Do you know what medications that I am on (which is actually quite a lot)?  Do you know how these medications make me feel and how I react emotionally to things?  Or better yet, are you secretly attending my doctor's appointments, of which I have 2 - 3 a month?  Do you know that my medications are the only thing that are keeping me alive?  Because, even with all of the medications that I take, they only mask the pain.  NOTHING, will take it away.  All my medications do is keep me grounded and keep the grief from debilitating me.  While they are not perfect, because I still have days where I just cannot function because the grief consumes me and is so incredibly overwhelming, I can't get through my day without them. 

When I am alone, I let all of my emotions out.  I hate crying in front of others, mostly because I hate hearing the crap reactions that people say.  So, when the tears well up, I run. I hide. I do what I have to do to avoid letting people see me that way.  You can think what you want to think and say what you want to say, because if you are not understanding, then I really don't need you in my life.  And for the most part, the greatest offenders are people who actually aren't in my life and gratefully, never will be.

As I write this, and thinking of medications, I am starting to have a panic attack.  The sentencing for this monster is tomorrow, I think that is why I'm not getting any sleep.  Even though I know what the sentence will be, thankfully it will be life without parole, I still do not want to see this monster.  I keep hearing what a good and kind man he is; well if you sat where I sit in the courtroom and see the look that he gives, it is not the look of a good or kind man.  He does not show any remorse or sympathy, he is without feeling, a psychopath.  So, do I take a Klonapin to ease the panic and anxiety; or do I not take one and feel like crap?  Please let me know what you think that I should do so that I do not offend you with my emotions or lack thereof in court tomorrow.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Exhaustion

It has been about a week since the house alarm was tripped at 1:30am, and needless to say, I haven't gotten much sleep.  I still take my medications at night that help me sleep, but it's not working really well.  I will sleep for two or three hours and I'm awake.  Not wide awake, but awake enough that I can't fall back asleep.  So, going on a week now, it's really catching up to me.  I have a major headache, that not even caffeine will take care of.  I can barely function at work.  I'm just so tired that I really have to stop and think about every move that I make so that I don't scrap a part or hurt myself.  The last thing that I need is to have some time off of work.

Lack of sleep makes me cranky.  I can't stand to go on Facebook anymore.  Everyone's life just sucks and it's the end of the world.  Well guess what?  I went through something that not one of my friends has had to go through.  So, walk in my shoes for even one hour and tell me how bad your life is!  What's so interesting is that I have several widow(er) friends on Facebook, and they don't complain about how bad their lives are.  Yes, a couple may just state that they are having a bad day, or this new life sucks.  But, they don't act as if it's the end of the world; and yet if they did, it would be understandable.  What we have lost at such a young age is unbelievable, some have children and some don't.  Yet we all have something in common, we have lost the one person in the world that we were closest to, the one person in the world that we have established a past, shared the present and planned a future with.  Our loss is unlike any other loss that a person will ever experience, yet we manage to get through each day, even if it is faking it, staying in bed all day, or whatever else helps us get through the day.  I have so much admiration for my widda friends because in spite of their worlds turning upside down, they put on a brave face and live as best as they can.  I can't imagine anything else in my life that is even remotely comparable to losing Chris, especially in the manner that I lost him.  So, I need to stay off of Facebook because I've already alienated one "friend" by telling her what I thought, I don't want to do that again.

Monday, August 16, 2010

I Don't Care

I hit a wall last night.  I am reverting back to the I don't care days.  The house just seemed too empty last night.  Every night, I reach over to his side of the bed and am reminded that he's not there.  I know that it seems so silly, but I just keep thinking that this was all a big mistake and that he's going to come home.  I'm just not ready to accept the reality of it.  Yet, it creeps up on me sometimes and I have to face it, whether I want to or not.  Why did this have to happen?  Why did that monster do this to Chris?  I hate that I have to start my life all over again, I don't want to do it, and I am just starting to give up.  Chris really was a wonderful man.  He had a heart of gold.  I keep thinking about our last vacation and how happy he was.  All he talked about was going back, just the two of us.  He loved his son, but he wanted time with just me up north.  I hate that the one weekend that we had planned on going, I wanted to stay home.  He loved the outdoors.  I wish so badly that I could go back and change everything about the last month of his life.  I wish that we would have taken that weekend trip.  I wish that I wouldn't have argued with him the couple of times that I did.  I wish that I was home that night.  I really would do anything to have him back.  And until I can figure out exactly how to live my life without him, I'm really not going to care about anything.

Friday, August 13, 2010

The Only Exception

I keep hearing this song on the radio, The Only Exception by Paramore. And every time I hear it, I think instantly of Chris. It accurately expresses exactly how I feel about him. About a month before I met him I was dating someone else. The person that I was dating was someone that I had a "crush" on for years and he had similar feelings for me. But life is funny and he married someone else. Yet, we remained friends. Shortly after he got divorced, we started dating again. When we met, he lived quite a distance from me. But, after he was married, he and his wife moved about 20 minutes away from me. After just over a year, they got a divorce.  He kept the apartment that they shared, and we started dating. One day at my house, he said that he thought that he was going to move back to his hometown, but he could stay with me on the weekends and visit with me. I really freaked out. I did like him, a lot in fact. However, I was not ready to share my home with anyone, even if it was just for the weekends. I didn't want a serious relationship either. I had a habit of all my life only dating guys for three months then splitting up with them. I had always thought that I had a fear of commitment. I just always figured out by the third month that I really didn't want see a future with whomever I was with and ended it.

Well shortly after the conversation about moving to his hometown, he moved and we didn't see each other again. Which oddly, I was fine with because I just wasn't sure about a future with him. Then less than a month later I met Chris. I knew instantly that he was "the only exception." I knew that I wanted to spend my life with him. And less than three weeks after we met, he needed a place to live and I without hesitation told him to move in with me.

By his birthday in August, which was 5 weeks after we met, he proposed. I did not hesitate what-so-ever before saying yes. We drove down to Ohio to get married. We ended up not getting married that day (a story for another day). But, there was something special about Chris. He was certainly not perfect, yet I didn't care. I think that if his flaws were in anyone else, I wouldn't have made it to the three month mark. Anything and everything that I would have found annoying with anyone else, I found endearing with Chris.  I never would have ever dated a smoker, but it didn't matter with Chris.  I never imagined to spend my life with anyone that I'd ever met before him.  I actually had given up on "love" a long time before I met him.  Chris was special and I will miss him every moment of every day until we are reunited.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

No Offense But...

I really would like to know what people are thinking when they say "No offense, but.."  They already know that what they have to say is clearly wrong and going to be offensive, so why bother saying it at all?  Today's post goes really well with yesterdays.  Some people will just say the first thing that pops into their head seemingly without even thinking.  Oh, except for thinking that they need to "excuse" their poor manners with a disclaimer and a but.  I mean really, do you think that just because you say "no offense" that I should not take offense to it?

Did you ever notice that the people who say things such as this are usually the first ones to complain that someone else has no manners or says the most inappropriate things.  I swear that the next time someone says "no offense, but" I am going to say "no offense, but you sound exactly like [insert the name that they think is the worst offender]."  Somehow, I don't think that it will go over too well.  Yet somehow, I don't think that I really care much at this point.

Maybe these people think that they are so close to you that they somehow have a license to say whatever they are thinking?  Well, no matter how close you are to me, when you say something that is inappropriate, and you KNOW that it's inappropriate, it makes you a little less close to me. 

I think that I would much rather have the people just say the inappropriate remark without the "excuse or disclaimer" before it.  Then I could just wonder, "did she know that it was wrong to say that?" and possibly excuse it on my own.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Don't...

I'm really tired of people telling what I should and what I should not do.  They are not in my shoes, and they certainly have not walked even an inch in them.  If you know that I don't want to be told to move on, why do you continue to tell me that I have to do so?  And I know that you know how much it hurts because you will say  "I know that it hurts to hear but..." UGH, I will grieve as long as I see fit to grieve.  This was not my pet hamster that passed away, it was my husband.  And along with my husband, it was my future and my dreams.  That is certainly not something that you can just "get over".  I have to figure out exactly who I am again and make new dreams and new goals.  My Granny lived a long time as a widow and didn't date again until she was in her 80's.  It doesn't mean that I will stop living, I still get up out of bed every day and go to work.  And for the record, I don't linger in bed all day before work anymore.  I'm going at my own pace to heal.  I'm sorry if you don't like it, but that is the way that it is.

I also take great offense when I'm told to move, get another house or asked "are you sure that you want to live there?" Here's my answer to all of those comments: I will stay in my house until the day that I die, even if it drains me financially.  I don't care that you think that I'm "holding on."  Of course I'm holding on, I am not ready to let him go.  I still STILL wait for him to come home or come upstairs at night.  So, why do you think that I would be so ready to dismiss everything.  Here's a newsflash, I am still grieving, and I will continue to grieve until I am done.  This was MY house before I met Chris, and it is now OUR house.  I will do what I have to do to stay there.  So, please don't ask me "are you sure that you want to stay there?"  Ummm, yes I'm sure, I was sure the first time that you asked me, and I will be sure every time that you ask me.  I don't really know how many times I will have to say that I do not think of the incident while I'm at home (except when the house alarm goes off at 1:30am).  I only think of the happy memories that we had there.  This is our home, and it always will be our home, whether or not Chris is living there.

The last "topic" concerns my wedding ring.  In my heart, I still feel as if I am married.  So, why would I take my wedding ring off?  I love this ring, it was my mothers ring before it was mine.  There is so much sentimental value attached to it.  But most of all, I want to wear it to honor Chris and the marriage that we had.  So please don't tell me that I need to take it off, I will take it off if I'm ever ready. 

Monday, August 9, 2010

The D Word

Yesterday was the 8 month mark to the date, tomorrow is the 8 month mark to the day of the attack.  I can't yet say the D-word in regards to Chris.  I did say it twice, and both times I had to stop what I was saying because I couldn't believe that I had said it.  I just don't want to believe that he's gone.  He wasn't just the love of my life, he was my life.  He was absolutely everything to me.  How can you just accept that half of you is gone?  I know that everyone is different and some people are able to say that their spouse has died.  But, I can't.  And I really don't have a reasonable answer as to why I can't say it.

An agent from the Department of Corrections called me today.  She wanted to know how this "loss" (my words, she used the dreaded D word) has affected me emotionally and financially.  I couldn't even say the word to her.  I can't even say the day he [d-word].  I have to say the day of the incident or I say that he passed away. It's almost like if I say the D-word I've accepted it.  But, I don't think that I ever will accept it.  I keep waiting for him to come home.  When I dream of him, the first words out of my mouth are "I've been waiting for you, where have you been?" 

Chris's grandmother once said to me "Chris is d**d".  I wanted to shout out "NO, he's not!"  Will I ever be able to say that word or not want to argue with someone that says that word?  I don't know, but I do know that I will never stop waiting for him to come home.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Sit and Spin

A friend came out to give me an estimate on the garage roof.  I opened the garage door to let him see it from the inside.  And what do I see in the corner?  Chris's sit and spin.  I can't believe that I hadn't seen it before now.  But, it instantly brought a smile to my face. 

About three weeks after I'd met Chris we went to my cousin's house for her birthday party.  This was the first time that Chris was meeting the bulk of my friends and my cousin.  At my cousin's request, I'd made some rum soaked cherries.  I soaked some in Captain Morgan's Rum, so I'm sure that it's no surprise that Chris offered to pass them out.  Well, a girl that I went to school with was there with a couple other friends.  I must say that these girls are beautiful and they wanted Chris.  He told them that he was with me, they told him to forget about me and he told them to forget about him.  And yes, he told me about it.  I had never before felt so flattered, we had just begun dating and he wouldn't trade me in for anyone else. 

As the night went on, Chris found a sit and spin in my cousins garage, he just had to play with it.  And can you believe that he actually managed to sit on it and get it to spin around?  He loved that thing so much, he practically begged my cousin for it.  So, she told him to take it.  And there it sits in my garage with the memories of that night!  When I find the pictures of it, I will post them. 

I think that night was the night that I'd realized that he was the one for me.  There was so much that happened that night that I think that we both realized that we were meant for each other.  I just wish that I would have known that our time together would have been so short.  I love you dearly Chris and I will miss you until the day that we are reunited.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

I'm so Tired

I'm so tired today.  I have been having a really hard time sleeping this week.  You would think that after the conviction I would sleep easy.  But, alas no.  Last night, Brutus kept barking.  I figured that it was just an animal or one of the neighbors outside.  But, I still couldn't sleep.  I still worry about this murdering bastards friends and family, I can't say that any of them have shown that they are even remotely upstanding citizens.  It says something about one's character when you will stand proudly beside a murderer.  It is plain as day who is responsible for this tragic murder, and that monster is sitting in the Wayne County jail right now.

I will say, without a doubt that if this was even my brother with this amount of evidence, I would not be standing beside him.  I'm sorry to say that, but this was the work of a cold blooded murderer.  I would not, and could not stand beside someone that was capable of doing this.  I would always wonder who would be next.  Besides, his story is pure fiction.  I mean really, you open the door to someone that is not your friend who is bloody head to toe?  AND you offer to help him conceal his crime?  REALLY???  Furthermore, your story is that you didn't want to say anything because you were worried about your girlfriend and her family.  Now, let's really think about this: if you were so worried about them why would you open the door to someone that is not your friend that is bloody all over?  Wouldn't you be worried that he might attack you or those people that you claim to now be worried about?  It's illogical.  At least the twelve members of the jury did not believe his story, and those are really the only ones that matter.  I am willing to stake my life on it that the judge even knew that he was guilty of first degree because she told him that he was going to go away for life and that he needed to take the plea deal.

I can say it over and over again, there is no joy in this conviction.  I'm not celebrating.  While I may revel in the fact that this murderer will never again be free to roam the streets, not even when he is a very old man, my husband is still gone.  And I cannot change that.  I have tried my begging and bartering with God, but it is futile. Unless you have lost a spouse, you will not know my pain.  There is no pain like it, and especially when you have to stand by helpless and watch them as their life slips away.  I didn't want to believe on December 8 that he was injured so badly.  I didn't want to believe on December 9 that he had passed away.  And I still don't want to believe.  Instead of sleep soundly at night, I wait for him to come to bed, I plead with God to bring him home, and I barter my life for his.  The waiting, pleading and bartering are exhausting. 

News article

I saw that they did a write up in the paper about the conviction.  The title is "Man convicted of killing friend in Dec. 8 Dearborn case."  While I am so glad that the community will know that Shannon Maurice Holmes was convicted of first degree murder, I do have a couple problems with the headline.  Shannon Holmes should not be defined as a man.  Even to call him an animal is a disgrace to all of the members of the animal kingdom.  Even the waste that comes out of the parasites feeding off of the dirtiest cockroaches living the absolute worst filth on earth is more beneficial to society than what he is.  He is nothing short of a beast or demon.

The second problem that I have with the headline is that they were not "friends", they were acquaintances.  If he was a "friend" of Chris's, I would have met him, or at the very least heard them speak on the phone.  I think that Chris only hung out with him because he loved his beer and rum and he loved to share it with people.  I checked Chris's phone records and the only time that he ever called Shannon was when he was drunk.  He never called him while he was sober.  If Shannon was a "friend" Chris would have called him when he was sober.  Oh sure, if he ever called when he was sober, it was probably to ask him to go drinking with him.  I know Chris's phone habits when he was drinking, and I'm sure that his family, friends and acquaintances know as well.  Every call to Shannon was surrounded by many calls to many people.  So, they were not friends, just drinking buddies.

Chris was a wonderful man and did not deserve this.  I am so relieved that this monster will be living the absolute rest of his life in prison.  No parole, no worries.  Life in prison may even be too good for him. Well Shannon Maurice Holmes, will get his chance at paradise; his life in prison will seem like a paradise compared to the deepest, darkest bowels of hell that he will face for eternity after he dies.

Here is a link to the news article: Dearborn Press & Guide

Just remember: 12 random members of the Wayne County community found him guilty beyond a reasonable doubt.  These 12 people had not known any of the people involved.  They listened to the testimony and evaluated the evidence.  They even heard testimony from this monster and came to the conclusion that Shannon Maurice Holmes committed first degree murder for the brutal torture and murder of my husband, Christopher Cser.  I understand not wanting to believe that your loved one or friend committed such a heinous crime, but at some point you have to sit down and really look at the evidence.  There is absolutely no logic to his testimony, which by the way I am told contradicts what his lowlife girlfriend, Jennifer Evans, said under oath.  So, at least one of them is definitely a liar.  I'm going to put my money on both of them being liars.  I mean one's a murderer and the other is in love with a murderer, so what's a few little lies?

Friday, August 6, 2010

What Now?

So, I've said it over and over again, "I just have to get through the trial..." Well, I never really gave it much thought about what I would do next. Truth be told, I really didn't think that I would survive this long. Before I met Chris, I think that my purpose was to find him. And once I did, my purpose was to have a family with him. We had plans for at least one child, we both wanted a girl. And because I'd been pregnant in the past, we had already picked out names: Natalia Marie for a girl and Leland Michael for a boy. Now that Chris is gone, that dream is gone. While I would still love to have a child, I only want HIS child. Even dating another man seems preposterous to me, much less having a baby with someone else. While Chris may want me to move on, I am not ready and I do not want to. So, what exactly is my purpose in life? If you would have asked me that 2 weeks ago, it would be to make sure that his murderer was convicted for life. And now that he has been found guilty, what do I do?

I could always finish my degree. I'm only 44 credits away from a BS in molecular biology. But, what would that do for me? I will make so much more at my current job than to leave and get an entry level job somewhere else with that degree. I could also pursue a masters, which would give me more options. But, I can't concentrate on my current work load, how would I be expected to finish school?

I could always lobby to get the death penalty brought back to Michigan. I was delighted when one of the news stations asked if Michigan should have the death penalty and 96% of it's viewers went online and voted yes. It gives me some encouragement. But, I would have to do some serious statistic checking to make sure that I know all the facts in order to debate the issue. I may do it, because this was a case where the criminal had time to prevent it. He walked about 10 houses and across six lanes of traffic with a median. He had time to turn around. Not to mention all of the evidence that they found at his house, not to mention his witless girlfriend, Jennifer Evans, directed the police to the location of his bloody clothes. She actually said something along the lines of "he got away with a crime before by burning the evidence." Makes you wonder what type of crime requires one to burn the evidence doesn't it? So, I would love to see Shannon Maurice Holmes be put to death by the state. Unfortunately, in our case, it is too late. But, it might help someone else in the future. I also know that Chris was for the death penalty, he as a "fan" of it on facebook. So, it seems logical, but maybe I'm biting off more than I can chew?

But aside from that uphill battle, what am I supposed to do? I have been told to "move on" or "get over it". I really wish that the speakers of these comments would stand in my shoes for even a brief moment and then tell me that. I witnessed something absolutely horrific December 8, 2009. And to make matters worse, it was my husband that these unspeakable crimes were committed against. It is nearly impossible to "move on" or "get over" something like this. So, what now?

Thursday, August 5, 2010

More Hate and Anger

Will the hate and anger ever let up? I am so tired of it, Shannon Maurice Holmes was found guilty of the premeditated murder of my husband, Christopher Cser. This was a unanimous decision by a jury of 12 of his peers. He had plenty of time to stop his actions as he walked the distance from his home to our home. He entered our home and spread his virus of hate onto me. I can see that his disease has been shared by many that were close to him. It has been brought to my attention some things that have been written about me on the Internet and I'm sure even worse has been said aloud. I will assume that it is this murdering bastards family. Funny how I at one time actually felt sympathy for them. I felt so sorry because they were losing a brother and son. They had to live the knowledge that their flesh and blood was a cold blooded murderer. But, I guess that messy resides with messy and nasty belongs with nasty. I had heard that they carried on as if they were at a party throughout the trial, even while the horrific pictures of Chris's autopsy was shown. I can certainly understand that they would not want to believe that someone that they are so close with is a cold blooded murderer. I get that. But, my husband had lost his life, and very horribly at that. This was not a swift death for him, it was slow and painful. To add to the pain, Shannon Holmes tortured my husband and they had the nerve to be joyful about a man losing his life? And now his family has nothing better to do than to slam me. But, truth be told the hell that I have been through the last 8 months, I really don't think that there is anything left that can really harm me. So, I say to these nasty people, carry on if it makes you feel better. I know the truth, eveyone that means anything to me know the truth, and those that believe your lies do not matter to me. As the saying goes: Those that matter don't care and those that don't matter care!!!

Why are they bothering with me when they have such stellar detective skills that they could put to use by finding "Shawn"? To them I have to ask, if you are such awesome detectives that have located a $500,000 life insurance policy that I am not aware of, and that the police could not find as well, and that I have not collected on, why haven't you been able to locate "Shawn"? If your detective skills are so refined that you have direct knowledge of my husband beating me, beat me so severely that I was admitted to the hospital, I must have been beaten so badly that the entire incident was erased from my memory as well as everyone's memory that surrounds me, why aren't your skills so refined that you haven't been able to find "Shawn"? One last question, if you posses such skills to know of a boyfriend that I have had for the last 4 months that I am not even aware of, why don't you know where to find "Shawn"? Could it be because "Shawn" is a figment of Jennifer and Shannon's imagination? "Shawn" does not exist.

I thought of responding to your rants on the other website, but thought better of it, so I will share my thoughts with the limited number of people that read this. I also thought that I will not lower myself to your parasitic level. All that it would serve is to spread your hate even more. All that I would accomplish is to hit the ball back in your court for more mudslinging. And I'm not going to give in. Just remember this: at the end of the day I find comfort in my own bed wishing that Chris was beside me, and Shannon finds comfort in a smelly cot wishing that his cellmate wasn't there beside him.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Guilty

Today was a victorious day for us, for Chris, me and our families. Today his killer, Shannon Maurice Holmes, was found guilty of first degree murder which carries a life sentence without the possibility of parole. The jury was swift in it's verdict. I really cannot say that I am happy. If I had to describe how I feel it would be relieved. But certainly not happy. Chris had to give his life for this verdict, so there is no happiness involved. It really was a sad day.

There were some things that I really wanted to say to this scumbag's family. But, I thought better of it. It wouldn't change anything except to make me feel better. And really, at the end of the day my beloved would still be gone and my anger would still be here. So, there is no point in telling his family what I think of them. I will get my chance to let them hear what I think of this murderer. I will choose my words very carefully, and I will deliver the speech that I have been preparing to give since December 8, 2009.

People have said that I am brave and strong, but I'm not. Chris is the one that was brave. He had to endure torture, pure torture. And he is the one that is strong, he fought like hell to survive. All that I did was retell his words that fateful night. I will never forget the events of that evening. I keep going over in my head the struggle. I have people that want to discuss it. Which really is fine, but only to an extent. There is a fine line where I can discuss it and where I find it unbearable. I can't rehash what happened that night, I can't discuss how various people think that it happened. All I know is that it was absolute hell for Chris, and I still have nightmares, even while awake, of what he went through. I suspect that it will never end, I will forever think of this tragedy.

Chris was a good man, a loving husband, and wonderful father. He certainly deserved better than this. Wherever he is, I hope that he can find some peace now. I feel that I can only begin to heal when I am certain that he is at peace.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Waiting

We all have to wait at some time or another in our lives. Whether we are waiting for a bus, or a dinner table, we just sit back and wait. We find things to occupy our minds while we wait. Maybe we read, or make idle chit chat with someone. But, we find something to do while we wait, something to pass the time. When you become a widow, you have much bigger things to wait for.

You wait by the door for your spouse to come home. You can't read because you can't keep your mind on your book. Your mind keeps coming back to "when will he get home?" You can't make idle chit chat with anyone because, you're alone. You're always alone. Even in a crowd, you are always alone. You are alone because the one person that you want to be with you, to wait with you, is not there.

You wait in your bed for him to join you. While you wait in the dark, you start to remember that he isn't coming to bed. No matter how many times you smell his scent on his pillow, he won't rest his head on it. No matter how many times, you rumple up his sheets, he will never get in between them.

You wait to wake up from this nightmare. Every night, you wait for the morning to come because you think that in the morning, he will be next to you. You think that in the morning, it will be that fateful morning and you will posses the knowledge to prevent this nightmare from happening.

Most importantly, you wait to join him. You sit every day and every night with a longing to just be with him. You sit and think about how much life you had when your other half was with you. You think about the laughs that you shared. Then you think about the laughs that you will never share again, all the things that you had planned will never happen. So then, you wonder how much longer will it be? How will it happen? Those answers don't really matter as long as it will be soon.

Now, I have a special wait. I have to wait for the jury to render it's verdict. If you would have asked me last week, I would have said that I knew, without a doubt, how it would end. Now, I'm not so sure. I am waiting in anticipation. My stomach is in knots, I am reminded of exactly how I felt while I was waiting to hear that he was ok. But, he wasn't. I didn't get my reward for all of my waiting, I can only pray that I will get my reward tomorrow. I can only pray that the jury will come back with a guilty verdict, guilty of first degree murder.