Sunday, July 25, 2010

I Like the Way It Hurts

As I was running errands today the song "I Love the Way You Lie" by Eminem kept coming on the radio. Not just the song, but every time I heard it, it was the line "I like the way it hurts." That line really hits home for me. It may sound silly, but I like the way this hurts. I understand that people don't like to hurt, unless you are a sadomasochist, which I am not!! But, I hurt so much inside and I have come to like it. I have hurt for so long that I actually miss it when it's not here. The pain that I feel can be so intense and so unlike anything that I've ever felt before. But, it is a direct reflection of the love that I have for Chris. I feel guilty if I'm not hurting, like I'm forgetting him. Or maybe that I just don't love him enough to hurt anymore. I have never met anyone before that made me feel the way that he did. He really is my soul mate. Someone said to me that when you lose a parent or grandparent you are mourning the past, when you lose a child, you are mourning the future. But, when you lose a spouse, you mourn the past, present and future. That is so true.

I woke up this morning and without thinking rolled over to rub his back. It wasn't until my hand hit the pillow that I remembered. It's something so small that I would never do again. He loved to fall asleep to me rubbing his back and that's how I would wake him up in the morning, especially when I made him breakfast in bed. Then I started to cry because at that very moment I should have been rubbing his back, not the pillow (mourning the present). I cried because that is what I used to do so many mornings (mourning the past) and lastly, I cried because I would never do that again (mourning the future.)

It's the very smallest of things that can make me cry, and the tears are coming for three reasons. This has to be the most intense pain that anyone will ever have to endure. Yet, I welcome it. I welcome it with open arms and embrace it. Not really because I like the pain itself, but because I loved, still love and always will love him. As long as the hurt is there, I will be reminded of the love that we shared. I know that I will never forget his touch, his face, his breath, his love, etc. But, as long as the hurt is here, I know that it was real.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

I cried today

I went to court this morning and it really went as expected, yet I cried. I mean, I really cried, which surprised me since I'm usually in control of my emotions. I think that my emotions are getting out of control because it's getting closer to the trial date. I kept saying to myself, "I just need to make it through the trial...then all bets are off." Well, now it's almost here. I cried today not because of that scumbag, but because of the immense sorrow that I feel for not having Chris on this earth. He really was a wonderful man. He was improving his life and made that all important decision the day before he taken from us. This world was a much better place with Chris in it. Every life that he touched was much better because he was a part of it.

I cried for Chris and how terrified he must have been. Nobody deserves what happened to him. I can't even begin to imagine what he had to endure that night. I can't imagine what was going through his mind when the scumbag forced his way through the door and attacked him. Yet, I can't get the images out of my head. I keep reliving that night. I keep seeing how the house looked when I went in. I keep seeing the manger. I keep seeing him, laying on the floor. I keep seeing his face. And strangely, I keep seeing images of him struggling because I saw him; I saw what was done to him and I know exactly what was done to him. I keep wondering "what if..."

I cried for myself. I don't know how to begin to live my life now that half of me has been ripped away. A wonderful and caring friend recently told me not to let this man kill me too. But, it's too late. I am a zombie, the walking dead. I am numb most of the time; and to be honest, I probably look the part most of the time too. When this scumbag decided to do this, he also decided to plunge the dagger in my heart as well. A huge part of me is gone and I'm almost to the point where I am realizing that he is not coming back. (No, I don't literally think that he is coming back. I just want it so badly my mind is tricking me!)

So, today I cried for what was and what will never be. I should not have been in the courtroom today mourning the loss of Chris. I should have been sipping my coffee on the porch planning my future with Chris. We had plans, we had a future. How am I supposed to continue my life? My life as I knew it has been destroyed. I will never get it back, and I will never fulfill our plans.

Monday, July 19, 2010

What About Me?

Don't you hate it when some things are said and at the time, they go right over your head. Just zip, haha don't notice me....then a few months later, you realize what was said and it irritates the fuck out of you? I just realized something that Chris's cousin said to me. He told me that he was helping MD and her family out because Chris wasn't there anymore to do it. Really? WTF about me? I don't even recall you asking if you could do anything for me or help me in anyway. (Not that I'd accept, but just asking is always nice.) I just got a "notice" from the city because my lawn needed to be cut and my weeds are taking over the bushes. Where the hell is he when I need the help? Does he think that I don't need things around the house done as well? I know this for certain, the shit that he is doing for them, is shit that Chris refused to do for them. I know that they aren't paying him, they sure as hell didn't pay Chris. As a matter of fact, they owe him money (so does the cousin) that is why Chris refused to do anymore work for them. Well, it was a mutual thing because they said if he wanted to get paid for it, they were going to find someone else to do it. HUH??? You won't pay him to do it, but you will pay someone else? WTF???? Am I mad? Yes, I'm mad as all hell! I'm sorry, but the last years of his life, they were NOTHING to him. The night before he passed away he told me how mad at them he was. How they had done nothing but use him all of these years. He did not want to do another thing for them because when he asked for money, they claimed poverty. He actually said that KM did not treat him like a son, as she claims. And he was fed up with them. Oh, and another thing JD...Chris did not ask you to help her out! So STFU!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, so JD, go help the people that used your cousin, just like you used him. And talk trash about me, who loved him unconditionally!!! And never, not once took advantage of him. So, when you're feeling so generous, why don't you come by and tackle his list of things that need repaired on our home?

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Hate

Hate is infectious, like a disease. It is contagious and lethal. We all at one point in our lives say that we hate something or someone. But, do we really know what hate feels like? If you would have asked me that question 7.5 months ago, I would have said no. I never really used the word hate, well maybe towards brussel sprouts. But, I have only used it twice in my life in reference to people. And to be truthful, I think that it was said while I was still angry because a few days after I said it, I didn't really feel that way. Hate, much like love, cannot be understood unless you experience it first hand. I always say that I never knew what true love was until I met Chris. Sure, I had moments where I thought that I was in love, but in retrospect, I wasn't. Chris was the first person to ever bring that passion into my life that sustained everything. And to the POS that took him from this world, I now harbor pure hatred. I am actually ashamed to say that I know what hate feels like. I am not a hateful person; anyone who really knows me will testify to this. However, my life has been shattered and there is one creature responsible. (I cannot and will not refer to him as a person or man, because in my eyes, in my hatred he is neither.) I wish for him the most terrible things. I believe in Karma, I believe that he will "get his" someday. And I hope that he does not have time to atone for his sins and be forgiven. I want him to rot in the deepest bowels of hell. I hate that I have this hatred festering in my heart. But, I have experienced true love and my time was cut short for whatever reason, I don't know. And I suspect that I will never know. But, I think that his minion of a girlfriend knows and that she has something to do with it. So, my infectious hate is being infected upon her as well. What is almost even more shameful than having this hate is that I don't ever want to let it subside and forgive him. What he did to my beloved, is unforgivable.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Alone

Do you ever feel like you are the only fish swimming in a giant aquarium? That's how I feel. I turned 40 this year. What should have been a fun happy day was just a normal day. I had a great dinner with friends and most of my fb friends acknowledged my birthday. But, those in my real life kind of blew it off, only a couple exceptions that seemed to cate. Even my nephews didn't call me. The only "presents" I got was a dozen roses that are now dead and a Starbucks card which should be no surprise that it is used up! Well, at least I know who really cares about me. I'm having "one of those nights" and feel so alone. I miss Chris, but then again if he were here, I wouldn't need consoling. So, I'm going to put on my big girl pants and just learn to enjoy being alone. I'm going to just fall off the map for awhile and explore this big lonely aquarium.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

All About Me

So, I have a dilemma: I really think that I need to lose weight, but really, why should I? I hate the way that I look and feel. I absolutely hate it. There isn't a spot on my body that I like right now. I hate my hair, but that will be fixed soon. I have a "butterface", just without the smokin' hot body. I used to like my boobs, but not since gravity said "hello." My neck is like someone inflated it like a little scooter tire. I feel like I'm the star in one of those belly fat commercials. That would be the "do you suffer from belly fat?" scenes; definitely not the "but you could look like this" scenes. My butt is like JLo on steroids. My thighs have gone beyond thunder thighs, more like tree trunk from a huge redwood tree thighs. My calves have lost that nice muscular definition that once upon a time was so attractive. I think that my new calves have crept up on my ankles and are smothering them! I can hear them cry "help" with every step. My feet seem to be getting wider and wider, which really shouldn't come as a shock to me. So, where is the dilemma you ask? I mean the logical thing to do would be to eat right, exercise, and get back into shape. Which yes, I would love to fit into that hideous excuse for a prom dress again. I would love to be a size six and look thin as a rail. But, I really don't feel like getting out of bed to do what's right. I still (yes STILL) can't pick up a knife to cut fruits or vegetables, so healthy cooking is hard to do. Besides, I think I might need to hire a maid service just to clean the kitchen. I just don't see the point in getting back into shape. I really want to join Chris, really, really badly. But, being in the shape that I'm in now it's more likely than not that I'll be with him sooner. So, I see it as I'm just helping what will eventually happen come a little sooner on it's own. Well, then you could always say: Gosh, you looked so good when you were thinner, you liked yourself. And you just gave a long list of the things that you hate about your body, so this will help you feel better about yourself. Yeah, but back then I actually cared what other people thought of the way that I look. What do I really care what anyone else thinks of me now? I especially don't want to look good to find a man like I did years ago. I love Chris, he is the only man that I want to be with. I think that if I were with another man in any capacity other than friendship, I will feel like I'm cheating on him. So, I really don't need to look good for anyone else. So, I hate myself more and more each day. Yet, I can't find a good enough reason to do what's necessary to like myself again. What's a girl to do?

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

But then I remembered...

This past weekend was the US 12 cruise. I drove down Michigan Ave. a few times, out of necessity instead of fun. I had this odd feeling that Chris was at the cruise. I had my nephews until about 5pm. Even when we had a late lunch, I picked up the phone to tell him where we were going. But, then I remembered... When I dropped the boys off, I picked up the phone to call him to let him know that I was on my way home. But, then I remembered... I actually managed to pick up from the boys. The main point that they were there for was to help me clean and get the house ready for a housemate. Unfortunately, the house looked much worse after they left than when they arrived. So, as I was cleaning I kept waiting for Chris to come home. I kept looking at the clock. I was worried. Mostly worried that he was drinking and was out with God-knows-who. Several times, I picked up my phone to call and "check in" with him. But, then I remembered...

This new life is so difficult. I never before met anyone that brought the joy to my life like Chris did. I never before met anyone that I wanted to share my bed, my house, my life with. Chris was "the one". I never in a million years thought that I would have to live without him. I always thought that I'd be the one to go first. But, I still imagined a life with him in our golden years. I am having such a difficult time adjusting to life without him. I sometimes wonder what if it were true that he was going to leave me. (Yes, I know that it is definitely not true.) But, I wonder how life would be like if I couldn't have him, but he was still here. I would take it over this life. I always told him that if he wasn't happy with me, he could leave. I always said that if he could find what he was looking for and be happier with someone else, then to leave. The only thing that I ever wanted for him was to be happy, even if he was happy with someone else. I would like to think that he was happy with me. People tell me that he was happy and spoke about how wonderful his life was with me. I trust them because they don't need to say anything at all; good or bad. There are only three people, all in a close knit circle that say that he was going to leave me. These are all the same people that didn't want me to marry him in the first place. One of them flat out said that I shouldn't marry him and I believe that she is the puppet master. OK, now that I've gone off on a major tangent... All I ever wanted for Chris was to make him happy. I seriously hope that I succeeded. When I think about the happy times that we have, it seems like he is still here with me. But, then I remember...

Friday, July 2, 2010

"Mourning" coffee

I realized yesterday that I have mourning coffee now. I used to have morning coffee with Chris almost every morning, excpet the ones where he had to go to work. We would sit on the porch, drink our coffee and talk about life. Sometimes we would reminisce about our pasts. Sometimes we would talk about our daily plans. And other times, my favorite conversations, we would discuss our plans for the future. I no longer have a coffee maker that makes a pot of coffee, it was broken back in December. So, my wonderful parents bought me a single cup coffee maker. What a wonderful invention!! In the early days of his passing, while drinking a cup of coffee, I thought about how we would never have our coffee again. It was always a wonderful way to start our day. Our days of sitting on the porch planning our future was gone. I still have coffee now, but I have yet to sit out on the porch and drink it. As a matter of fact, I have not sat out on the porch at any time since November of last year.

Coffee isn't the only thing that has changed. Before Chris, it never bothered me to come home to an empty and quiet house. Now, I leave the tv on most of the time because I can't stand coming home when it's dark and quiet. Besides, the flickering of the tv makes it look like someone is home. I have to leave it on a sleep timer at night so that when I fall asleep I can pretend that he is downstairs. I used to always sleep facing him in bed. Now, I can't stand to look at his side when it is empty. I used to love to bake and cook. Now, I can't hold a knife that is bigger than a steak knife in my hands. When I heard news, he was the first one that I called. Now, I just wait to tell someone, or I'll post it on facebook because HE is the one that I want to tell the news to first. I used to send him little love texts and messages. Now, I know that he will never read them. When I used to go to sleep, I would read in bed. Now, I can't read before bed because I can't concentrate. When I would go home for my lunch, he would make me such delicious things. Now, I warm something up in the microwave or eat fast food. On the weekends, we would sit down for dinner with his son and discuss all the things that his son did in school. Now, my dining room table is littered with "junk" and I never sit there. When I was with Chris, I cared about how I looked for him. Now, I'm lucky if I wash my hair every other day. When Chris was still alive, I cared about living, I cared about living life to the fullest. Now, I don't care about anything anymore, I don't care about living, dying, anything!

There is so much change in my life that I am having a hard time adapting to it. I keep wondering why this had to happen? Why Chris? Why weren't we prepared for something like this? (Well, I know why we weren't prepared, we never thought in a million years that this would happen.) Nothing would change if I had the answers, it would just be nice to know.