Monday, December 6, 2010

What I've Learned

It's been almost a year since that fateful night that took Christopher from me and his loved ones, and there are a few things that I've learned:

  • I've learned exactly what love feels like.
  • I've learned how badly it hurts when that love is ripped away.
  • I've learned that I love Chris just as much today as I did one year ago.  As I did, 2 or even 3 years ago.
  • I've learned how important family really is.
  • I've learned that this world is cruel and definitely not fair.
  • I've learned that some people are very good liars.
  • I've learned that the world is filled with horrible, cruel people.
  • I've learned that there are some wonderful people in this world.
  • I've learned that even the people closest to me will disappoint me on so many different levels.
  • I've learned that my wedding ring is more precious than just a diamond and his is more than a band of gold.
  • I've learned to take plenty of pictures and videos of and with your loved ones.
  • I've learned that the videos of your loved ones "just being" themselves are worth more than all the precious gems in the world.
  • I've learned that when people ask how I'm doing, they really don't want to know the truth.  They only want to hear that I'm OK.
  • I've learned that people really don't care, unless you are "over it".
  • I've learned that most people don't want to talk about him.
  • I've learned that some people thought they were the more important to Chris than they really were.
  • I've learned that I am a survivor.
  • I've learned that people don't always filter their words and will say the most hurtful things without thinking about it.
  • I've learned that people will compare losing a spouse to divorce or even the loss of a pet and think that they have it worse.
  • I've learned that there are way too many "young" widows and widowers.
  • I've learned how to fake my smile, just don't look for it in my eyes...
  • I've even learned how to fake my laugh, just don't look in my eyes...
  • I've learned exactly what true hatred feels like.
  • I've learned that monsters really do exist.
  • I've learned that monsters make very good liars.
  • I've learned that people will believe exactly what they want to believe.
  • I've learned that you actually can wake up screaming in the middle of the night.
  • I've learned that my faith in God is even stronger than I'd imagined.
  • I've learned that people are selfish and do not want me to show my true emotions or cry in front of them.  They are only concerned with their feelings without any regard to mine.
  • I've learned that no matter what I do, or who I am with, I will always love Chris.
  • I've learned that it is OK to date if and when I'm ever ready.
  • I've learned that if I do eventually date someone, I will not love Chris any less.
  • I've learned that Chris will always be a part of my heart and soul.
  • I've learned that my life was so much better with Chris in it.  This world was a much better place with Chris in it.
  • I've learned that it's OK to talk about Chris, I want to talk about Chris.  I love talking about Chris.
  • I've learned that not wanting to live and wanting to die are not the same thing.
  • I've learned that wanting to die and wanting to kill yourself are also not the same thing.
  • I've learned that it really is OK for me to grieve as long as I want to grieve.
  • I've learned that unless you have lost a spouse, you truly do not know the pain that it causes.
  • I've learned that I will never "get over it", or even get better.  Grief and immense sorrow will always be in my heart, I will just learn to live with and around it.
  • I've learned that even though I don't feel strong, I do have some strength.
  • Mostly, I've learned just how precious life and love is and that it can be destroyed without warning and instantaniously. 
Life is short, don't wait until it is too late to live your life.  So, cherish those that you love.  Embrace your family and friends.  Hold on to friends and let go of grudges with those that really matter to you.  Say goodbye to the the bad people in your life.  Create only good memories and learn to forget the bad ones.  I have learned these lessons the hard way.

2 comments:

  1. What I've learned is that you are an incredible woman, and I'm proud to be your friend... even though we've never met. I wish you strength and love, Ann.

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  2. "Grief and immense sorrow will always be in my heart, I will just learn to live with and around it."

    So Beautifully put Ann. I echo what Karen has said. You are an amazing person that has been on an unimaginably painful and difficult journey this year. You are still fighting and that says so much about who you are!

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