Wednesday, December 8, 2010

One Year

It's been a year since I had to say goodbye to my best friend, partner and husband.  I didn't say goodbye when I had the chance because I truly believed that it would not be goodbye.  It was too soon for goodbyes.  I kept thinking that as soon as the rescue arrived, he would be saved.  Even despite all that I know, I still can't believe that they weren't able to save him.  I somehow think that I failed him by not coming to his side quicker, by not coming home from work earlier.  His life was finally where it was supposed to be, it wasn't supposed to end so soon.  And it wasn't supposed to end so tragically. 

After 12:29am December 9, 2010, there will be no more thoughts of "this time last year we..."  I do that almost every day.  I try to rememeber what we did last year that day, or what we would have been doing.  Then I think, "what would we be doing today if this never happened?"  It makes me sad, but I can't stop it.  I can't turn those thoughts off like a light switch.  He was all that I had, he was everything to me.  When I lost him, I lost everything.  And now, I have to become me again.  The dreaded "widow".

 I miss him with all of my heart and soul.  I never thought that I could love someone as much as I love Chris, I never thought that I could hurt as much as I still do.  I keep remembering only the good things that we shared and try to avoid the "what ifs".  I don't know if it's a good thing or if it's a bad thing to think of what our lives could have been, but I know that we would have been great for a very long time had this horrible thing never happened.  One year ago tonight will have been the last time that I was able to look into his eyes and hold his hand, but it wasn't the last time that I was able to say "I love you".  I will always love him, nobody will be able to take that away from me.  He will always be a part of me.  I am positive that there is an afterlife and that he is waiting for me.  I just hope that he does not have to wait for very long.

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