Monday, December 13, 2010

Forget and Forgive?

So, the year mark has passed and my grief has not magically disappeared.  Not that I thought that it would.  I am sure that there are people close to me that would like for it to have gone away.  I am depressed, despite the medications.  But, I know that it is just my grief.  I want to be with Chris, but what I want is for Chris to be alive.  I want the events of December 8, 2009 to have never have happened.  I want this nightmare to end.  I am sure that the family of that monster wishes the same as well.

Today was the first day that I thought about that monster in quite a long time.  I had conversation with a good friend that is a minister.  We got on the subject of Heaven and Hell.  So, I thought of the monster for the first time today.  I was surprised at myself that I hadn't thought of him in quite a long time.  I may be able to bury my thoughts about him, and suppress my anger.  I discovered that the anger may be suppressed, but it still resides within me.  I am not quite able to forgive, I have been able to forget him to an extent.  I have to live every day of my life with what he did, so I will never forget what he did.  But, as long as I remember him, I live with my hatred of him.  So, I do my best to forget the monster that took Christopher from this world.

I believe in an afterlife.  I believe in Heaven and Hell.  And there is no doubt in my mind that Chris is in Heaven.  He is the one that insisted that we go back to church.  He believed in God and in Christ.  I don't know what the monster believes in, but I don't know how you can be a Christian and do what he did.  I also don't know that you can do what he did, then say that the Lord is your Savior and suddenly all is forgiven and you rest eternally in Paradise.  Then again, I don't have the answers.  However, I have come to the conclusion after a year, that it isn't for me to forgive.  I have a right to be angry.  I have a right to be mad.  I have a right to not forgive.  I am leaving the forgiving to God.

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