Thursday, December 16, 2010

Choices

I do believe that we have the choice how we are going to react to certain events.  While it's true that our initial reaction may be to get angry, laugh, or cry, we can learn to suppress those emotions.  We are also taught to count to ten before getting angry.  If you ever watch SNL, you'll see how they suppress the urge to laugh.  We all suppress our emotions, some are easier than others.  I'm still working on controlling my emotions; my hate and anger creep up every now and again.  But, my way of suppressing them is to push the "event" or people that cause those emotions to the back of my head.  Yes, that means that at times, I am still in denial about what happened.  But, at times, it makes it easier for me to deal with my life.  But, I will say that I have gotten better at keeping my emotions under control and not flying off the handle.  Maybe it's the medications, maybe it's the grief? 

The only emotion that I absolutely cannot control is the anxiety.  I get so anxious knowing that this monster is less than one hour away.  He is less than 50 miles from my house.  One more thing that causes sleepless nights and nightmares when I finally do find some sleep.  It's a terrifying thought that if he ever escapes that he is so close to my house.  He's a cold blooded murderer.  I can't control the anxiety that I feel, even trying to push the thoughts to the back of my mind won't cure it.  Nothing can help it.

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