Wednesday, November 17, 2010

What Hasn't Changed

There is one thing that hasn't changed about me since Chris passed away: my intolerance for liars.  I remember so many things, little incidental things that people say.  And when I'm being lied to, that little radar in my brain starts going off and those incidental things are remembered like it was said yesterday.  I don't normally call anyone out about the lies.  But, I will never trust anything that they say either.  I can't say that I'm perfect.  However, I really try not to lie at all.  I will never forget the one time when I was seven years old and I was caught in a lie.  I lied to my mom.  I was caught and I learned to never lie again.  Funny, I didn't even get punished for the lie; it was the shame of being caught.  So, I really try my best not to lie because I firmly believe that when you lie, you get caught.  And when you get caught, there is so much shame.  (Although, I guess that most liars don't have a conscience and don't get shamed by being caught in a lie.)  Besides, lies tend to get stacked up and you have to remember exactly what you said and who you said it to.  But, the truth never changes!

Another thing that hasn't changed is my heart.  Yes, it may have been tarnished, broken, and beaten.  But, it's still there and it's still big enough to care about people, especially people in need.  I really wish that I didn't have to be this way because all it does is make me more vulnerable to being taken advantage of.  Especially since I'm still grieving Chris and can't see clearly.  I do like that I care and want to help people, yet I sometimes trust the wrong people and open myself up to being vulnerable.  You would think that with all the anger that I have felt, I would have hardened my heart up.  But, no.  Right now, my heart is filled with sorrow.  I can't say why I still have this need and desire to help people, but I think that the reason behind it has changed.

1 comment:

  1. Yes. I think experiencing losing a spouse helps one realize what caring really means and what reaching out to people in need really means. Maybe our empathy has expanded?
    But I think we need also to be careful and recognize our vulnerability as we ourselves are needy.
    There is good support available in support groups and bereavement groups, some run by hospice organizations. Having the ability to look forward to being with people who understand is in itself a support! Everyone has something to offer. And you don't need to just limit yourself to one support group experience. It's safe and a way of giving also. Plus new friendships can be formed that last into the new future.
    Yes, a future. Not easy.
    Virtual hugs come your way!