Monday, November 1, 2010

Terror and anxiety

I have been having the worst nightmares lately.  I have actually woken up screaming, and more than once.  I don't know why, at this point in my grief, the nightmares are so severe.  I am certainly "not over it"; but, I am dealing with this new life better now than before.  Maybe I'm starting to accept it and that is so terrifying for me.  But, the nightmares are so intense and so real.  I haven't been afraid of the dark since I was a child.  But, when I wake from these nightmares, I have to turn on a light.  I just don't understand it.

I made the appointment with the specialist today.  I can't get in to see him until over two weeks from now.  I'm already riddled with anxiety, and even though I know in my heart that it's going to be OK, I get more anxious every day.  I am being told that it's not a big deal, but I am terrified that I might have to have surgery.  Even if it's laser surgery, I'm terrified.  I'm even more terrified of the consequences of not addressing it.  So, I will have to learn to live with this new anxiety for a couple more weeks.  I mean, I've learned to live with all the grief and anxiety associated with losing Chris, this is nothing compared to that.

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