Monday, November 29, 2010

Christmas Tree With Love

I really don't know how I feel today.  I managed to make it through Thanksgiving without Chris.  I made it through dinner, playing wii with the family and spending time with my brother without tears.  But, I never really had problems with tears when I am around other people. It's when I'm alone that the tears flow. I even put up the tree without tears.  I did have to take plenty of "breaks".  I think that the reason for no tears was because the tree is decorated with hearts and represents the love that I have for Chris.  There is no sadness in my love for him.  Every ornament on the tree is new, almost half of the ornaments from last year were destroyed.  I couldn't bring myself to put up any of the past years decorations anyway, that's why I bought all new ones before I knew that half were discarded. I bought a real tree and had it flocked at the florist's shop. There are two odd ornaments on the tree, one represents my minpin, Brutus, that Chris tried so hard to get to be nice to people and the cats.  And the other is a beautiful ornament that my parents gave to me that is from Chris.  It is a beautiful pewter ornament "Merry Christmas From Heaven" and has the final verse to the poem on it: "I love you all dearly, Now don't shed a tear, I'm spending my Christmas With Jesus this year."  The moment that they gave the ornament to me was the moment that I broke down and cried.  My tree represented me and how I felt about Chris.  I don't look at it as a new beginning, because every time that I did, I would start to tear up.  So, I can't think of it as anything but a tribute to Chris.  Every heart is my heart and was put on the tree with love.  I smile when I look at the tree.  I doubt that if Chris were still here that this is what our tree would look like because it's very "girly".  But, I do know that if I wanted this tree, he would proudly put it up for me because that's one thing that I know about Chris is that he loved me and whatever I wanted, if it was within his means, he wanted me to have it.

4 comments:

  1. It's beautiful, Ann. Today I got an artificial tree, first one ever - we always went together and got a real one. It's pre-lit - Jerry was the one who put the lights on the tree, and I'm not sure if I'll put any of our lights on this one by myself. I put the ornaments that meant the most to us on the fake tree and it looks okay. But I remember taking down our tree in February, after Jerry was diagnosed, and crying when he wasn't looking because I was so afraid it would be our last one. Which it turned out to be.

    Hard stuff. Love to you, Ann.

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  2. So sweet Ann....I did all new everything too...just couldnt bear to bring out the other decorations....not this year. Sigh. Anyway I love your tree!

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  3. That tree is absolutely beautiful! Such an amazing tribute to your love! I had to buy new ornaments this year too...Same color scheme Bobby and I used, but I couldn't bear to hang the ones we had hung in years past.

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