Thursday, October 7, 2010

Progress?

Have I been making progress?  I finally canceled his cell phone tonight.  I feel like it was one step forward.  Yet I'm in tears and the pain is so intense.  I feel like I just fell a dozen steps backward.  Why does it hurt so badly?  Well, I know why it hurts so badly.  It's one more step to the realization that he is not coming home.  I don't necessarily call that progress.  It sucks.  Now, if I call his phone number a stranger will answer.  I know that Chris will never answer the phone again, but I suppose that I never wanted to admit that. 

This is just the latest thing that has me asking 'why'?  Why did my beloved Christopher have to lose his life?  I know that he is here with me in spirit, but I am not strong enough to get through this.  All that I want is to have Chris back, all I need is him.  I don't know how I can continue to live without him.  This was just one more thing that has me going both forward and backward at the same time.  Nobody ever said that grief was simple.  I hate it, I hate this new life that I am being forced to live.

1 comment:

  1. As ever, I hear you. Going to the Verizon store with Jerry's son and canceling his service (and having to show them a death certificate to get out of the contract, which we had just started right before he went into the hospital) was yet another hellish thing to get through. It never seems to stop.

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