Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I Can't Believe It

I can't believe that I've survived this long without Chris.  It has been just over 10 months since that fateful night.  My anxiety has subsided, it still pops it's ugly head in to say hello every now and again.  But, certainly not like it used to.  I think that there are two things that have gotten me to this point.  The first is the obvious, seeing that Chris got justice.  For the longest time, when I wanted to end it all, I would say to myself, "just get through the trial."  And I managed to do that.  The second thing is my medications.  I know that I would be an absolute basketcase without them.  I still grieve, I still pray for death.  But, I manage to get myself out of bed every day.  Of course I still have the occasional day where I stay in bed until just before work.  But, the main thing is that I get out of bed everyday.  I can't say that I'm living my life to the fullest, because those days are behind me.  I still don't see the point in living without my beloved.  But, I tredge along and do some small things that bring a smidge of happiness to me.  The only thing that will bring true happiness is to have a family with Chris, and I'm thinking that it will never happen.  So, I have to make the best of my days, or aleast as best as I can make my days, until I can be reunited with Chris.

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