Monday, October 4, 2010

A Battle Within

There is no moving on.  There is no getting over it.  There isn't even a getting by it.  I am learning.  I am learning to deal with this nightmare that I must now call my life.  There is this struggle going on within me.  It is a battle between my grief, my anger and my true self.  Some days the grief will win and I am thrown deep into depression.  Those days are the hardest because I just don't want to live to see the end, because it seems like it is never ending.  There are the days where the anger gains momentum.  I am transformed into an angry, hateful woman.  Then there are the days where my true self will tow ahead.  Those are also known as "good days."  I am able to function, I am able to actually say "I will survive this."  And most days, I actually believe it.   

I often wonder, where exactly is my life going?  Will the grief win?  Will I be plunged into a deep depression, so deep that as I try to crawl my way out, I just end up digging myself down deeper?  Or will my true self win?  Will I be able to live my life sans nightmares?  Or will the hate win?  Will I end up that old angry, resentful and bitter woman?

I do want my old self back.  But, I am afraid that she is gone forever.  People say that we cannot change, "A leopard cannot change it's spots."  But, we do in fact change.  We are molded everyday by our encounters.  Most encounters don't make an impact on us.  But, there are others that dramatically change who we are.  I liked the sweet caring person that I was.  But, the world has shown me too much.  My true identity has been tarnished and scarred.  I have been molded into a new person.  I don't like the person that I am today.  Chris would not like the person that I am today.  But, I do have days where my old self makes an appearance.  And I have hope that she is not gone forever.  But, it is the grief and the anger that I do not like.  I am constantly battling them both.  They may mold my shell into something harder, but let's hope that they decide to leave my core alone.

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