Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Secrets

I have serious insomnia that medication cannot cure. When I lie awake in bed, my mind cannot stop thinking of Chris, what happened to him, and what I am going to do.

I still cry over Chris. I cry almost every night, still.

I really miss my stepson. I miss our Friday night dinners. I miss his laughter, his smile around the house. I feel like my heart has been ripped out again because I'm not permitted to see him.

I loathe the woman that I have become. My heart is filled with hate and it's just plain ugly. Thanks to Shannon Holmes, I am an ugly hateful woman.

I really miss the closeness that I shared with Chris.  I miss the intimacy.  I miss his kiss, his touch, and his love.

I do not want to live another day. I still pray that I will not wake up in the morning every single night.

I am giving suicide some serious consideration. But, I'm too scared of being separated from Chris for all of eternity to act on it.

I hate what has become of my life. As each day passes, I begin to accept this harsh reality. Yet, I still wait for Chris to come home. And the realization that he's not coming home makes my heart ache even more.

I often wonder what exactly did I do that was horrible enough for God or karma to give me this ghastly life that I now must take ownership of.


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