Friday, September 10, 2010

Just For Me

Today, I treated myself to an hour long massage.  It was just supposed to be a half hour, and I kept thinking "this is one long hour."  But, I certainly wasn't going to complain.  The massage therapist thought it was an hour instead of a half hour.  It was so wonderful.  I have been so stressed out the past 9 months, I certainly needed it.  I had just the upper body done.  However, I mentioned that lately, I've been having some lower back pains/spasms.  So, she said that she could tell and that maybe I would want to come in another time for a lower body to help it.  Of course, I made another appointment.  Sometimes, you just need to spoil yourself.  Besides, I used to work with the owner and I'm glad to give her my business.

I also decided that I have found a reason to start working out.  It's a personal reason, and I want to do it for nobody but myself.  Not for my health (with any luck, I'll have a heart attack and die on the spot), but I am told that it will help with the depression and grief.  So, I will go to the gym on Monday.  Besides, I have to cancel Chris's membership, something that I have avoided doing for the past 9 months. 

In my mind, there is the finality of what has happened when I cancel things that he had.  I still have his phone turned on.  Even though I know that he will never come back.  I feel like if I cancel his phone, gym membership, etc. that I am cancelling him.  If that makes any sense.  I feel like he is still around when his accounts are opened.  I finally contacted one of his doctors to tell her that his final bill will not be paid (I didn't like her anyway, and I'm not going to pay it.)  I guess that I just don't want to admit that he's gone and closing accounts and such is the beginning of that admission.  I hate it.  I hate this new life without him.

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