Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I Wish

I wish that things were different.  I wish that this blog was dedicated to the happy life that Chris and I were living.  That I would be writing about his son, our child, and us.  And the happy family life that we share.  But, we will never be a family again.

I wish that I would be writing about happiness, smiles and joy instead of anger, sorrow and hate.  We were a typical couple.  We laughed, we cried, and yes we argued.  But, most of all, we loved each other.  Through thick and thin, at the end of the day, we were together and we loved each other. I wish that I could write about the love that we continue to share.  But, I can't.

I wish that I could write about teaching Chris Polish and how we were preparing for our big trip to Poland.  He promised to take me.  I once tried to teach him Polish.  He made it through the very first page of the book, which was basically "hello, how are you, what's new?  Goodbye." ("dzień dobry,  jak się masz, co słychać, do widzenia").  After that, he said that he would let me do all of the talking.  I would love to be able to write about how he was progressing with his Polish.  But, his Polish will never progress beyond that first page.

I wish that I would be writing about Chris teaching me to sing and play the guitar.  Chris had a phenomenal voice and I bought him his guitar for Christmas a couple years back.  To hear him sing, was like hearing the angels sing.  I didn't get to hear him play the guitar too much.  But, I always wanted him to teach me.  Wouldn't it be wonderful if I could be writing about what a great teacher he is?  But, I can't even touch his guitar.

I wish that I would be documenting my pregnancy here.  We were trying so hard to have a family.  We wanted nothing more than to have a child together.  I wish that I could be writing about the excitement that he felt at having a child.  I remember how excited he was the very first time that I said "I'm pregnant."  I wish that I could experience that and write about it here.  But, we will never have a child together.

I wish that I could write about getting custody of his son.  Chris had consulted two seperate attorneys about getting custody and took their advice about documenting things.  But, we decided to wait until April and then we would retain the lawyer that helped my brother gain custody of his son.  I wish that I could be writing about having his son at our house every day.  But, I am not even permitted to see his son.

I wish that this blog was a happy blog.  But, I'm not happy and neither is my writing.  When the occasional thing happens that I'm happy, I am reminded of the immense hole in my heart.  I wonder, when is my happiness going to be ripped away from me?  I wonder how can I be happy when this world is so incredibly cruel?  The true reality is that no matter how much I wish and pray, I can never go back.  I will never write about the happy things that Chris and I should be doing.  But, Chris is gone, and a huge piece of me left that day as well.

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