Monday, September 27, 2010

I Can't Believe That I Did It!

I had way too many soaps, shampoos, oils, salts, etc. in my bathroom.  So, I cleaned house, so to speak.  I got rid of all the old stuff, including Chris's stuff.  I didn't write about it when I did it, because I didn't want the world to know about it.  I feel like I've betrayed Chris by taking his personal things out of the bathtub.  I put some of it in a box for his son.  I can remember the time that we were getting ready to go visit my cousin and his son just had to use "some good smelling stuff" to impress my cousin.  (Yeah, he had a little crush on her.)  So naturally, I thought that he would want them.

Then I started thinking, this is the stuff that he should have now.  It won't be any good when he's older.  So, I went through the house and put some other things in boxes for him.  I decided that if Mary was willing to let me see his son for even just a few minutes, I would be able to give these things to him.  So, I put many Xbox games that they used to play in a box. Also, in the box went some small toys that they played with together.  I even bought him some new matchbox cars because I felt bad that his were ruined during the "incident".  I put Chris's TV aside, since the last time I spoke to him,  his son said that his TV wasn't working too well.  I also put aside his headphones and speakers for the TV. 

Chris made his son some toys and stuff for his matchbox cars.  He basically made a little city out of wood.  I thought that is something that his son would want and should have now.  There were other things that Chris made for him, and I thought that he would like them.  Little known fact, Chris had a coin collection.  I've always wanted his son to have it along with some very personal items from Chris.  I also made him a scrapbook of his father's life, and I really wanted him to have it.

I'm sure that it comes as no surprise to anyone reading this that I extended the olive branch to Mary, but she snapped it right out of my hand.  So, I put the box of Chris's things in the attic.  Where else am I going to put them?  I just haven't been able to look at anything without crying, still.  Every time that I got into the shower, I would smell his soaps and shampoos.  As far as the toys go, my nephews were over playing with them and asked for them.  I hesitantly gave them to my nephews; but really what do I need with them?  Just another reminder of my heartache. 

I also had my cousin's phone number to give to Mary's mother because Mary's brother is autistic and my cousin has a master's degree working with autistic children one on one.  My cousin's mother told me to have them get in touch with her and she would help them out.  But, alas, too much hate and selfishness is in the way.  (And yes, I see the irony, which is exactly why I offered the olive branch in the first place.  I'm done with being mad and hateful.)

I really shouldn't comment on the amount of respect that I have for Mary, or lack there of.  Ever since our first phone conversation, she did not like me.  What's so funny is that she tried to tell Chris how I was nasty to her when Chris heard my entire side of the conversation.  I don't think that she ever wanted Chris back, and if she did, he didn't want her (despite how hard she tried to convince me, I know EXACTLY how he felt about her and her mother right up to the night before he passed away). However, I just think that she hated him so much that she did not want him to be happy.  Her mother even tried to get me to not marry him (look at all that she would lose by losing Chris) by saying that Mary was going to go after me for child support.  HUH??  I guess that it helps when you have many friends that are lawyers.

As a matter of fact, we consulted two of those friend just months before he passed away.  We were looking at getting custody of his son and we were told to "document, document, document."  And oh boy, the things that little boy said about his mom, things that she did and things that she said, my favorite was when he got "sixty" mosquito bites because she took him to an "adult toy party".  Yep, we have it on tape, and many, many other accusations.  (CPS would have a field day with those videos!)

The truth is, I never really had much respect for her or her lifestyle.  She relies on us taxpayers for her income.  She does not work, and please do not say that she has a disability, because there are so many others with far worse disabilities that work.  She has a "bad back."  She has been attending school for the past, um, 4 years, for medical transcription or something similar (isn't that a six month program, or at the very most a two year degree?)  And please don't defend her by saying that she cannot work and go to school because she has two kids (only one is Chris's).  I know a woman that was divorced, has two kids and worked at Ford during the day.  At night, she attended law school and is now a lawyer.  But, that's right, you have to have some sort of ambition to work, go to school and have two kids.  I think that it's sad and pathetic when someone can bilk the system.  Just remember that someday, the system will catch up... I've learned that you don't mess with the government or it's money. Also, there's a little thing called Karma, and I for one, definitely won't mess with her.

Anyway, I have put his son's things in my attic.  I guess that selfish people are prone to only ever think of themselves, they can't even put the needs and wants of their children before their wants and needs.  She does not care about her son.  She made that abundantly clear when I tried to teach his son how to read.  She had a conniption fit, even went so far as to say that the son's teacher said that he does not need to read at home.  The poor boy was a year behind in school, a fact that Chris actually was ashamed of, because she kept him out.  I heard her give at least four different reasons why.  And each one was poppycock and it was a direct result of her motherhood skills. 

Chris's son is the one that is going to suffer.  I have heard it from a member of Chris's family that his son asks to visit our house, and has said that he was happy there.  Why wouldn't he be?  That was basically the only place, with a rare exception, that he visited with his dad when Chris was sober.  So, the claim that our house wasn't a happy place is once again poppycock.  I have never, and will never, say anything negative about his mother to him.  As a matter of fact, I got on Chris's case when he "talked smack" about Mary to his son.  So, the selfish mother will prevail and deprive her son of his father's memories.  There's not much more that I can do.  I've heard all the excuses in the world.  But, the only one that had a ring of truth to it is that she just wants to hurt me.  And I won't deny that it stings, but ultimately, it is his son that will suffer.  So be it, I've done all that I can.  So, my memories of his son are now locked away in my attic.  And if the day comes where his son seeks me out, I may be able to get the boxes of memories out of the attic.  I will also be sure to pull out all the emails that his mother and I exchanged and let him decide why he never get his father's things before.

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