Thursday, September 16, 2010

Finding Peace

I used to like roller coasters when I was younger.  However, when it's your emotions going for the ride, not so much!  It's is the most minor things that can set me off.  I felt as if I had made some progress in my grief, hate, and forgiveness.  But, as those who have been in my shoes know, you take one step forward and one huge step back.  I was finally at a point where I could release some of this negativity, but then it just creeps up on me to overtake any progress that I have made.  I find it so very hard to purge this hate when there is so much that is being said about me.  While I am certainly for everyone being able to say their peace, there is a fine line when what you have to say is nothing but lies.  There are a few people in particular that I actually felt sympathy for, but as I stated before, I have since learned that they do not warrant my sympathy.  While I have been able to release the hate that is festering within me, it is slowly coming back.  Hate begets hate.  I was told to forgive and release the hate that I feel.  And I was able to do just that.  However, it is so difficult when the hate is being slung at me.  I'm not asking anyone to like me, however, there comes a point where you have to believe that it was proven who committed this ghastly crime against my husband.  And I suppose that if I have to be the scapegoat for it, I will.  I actually should be flattered when they say that the clothes were mine and I walked over there and planted the evidence.  I should be flattered because I haven't been able to fit into a size 32 since I was about 25!!  I can also understand that they don't want to believe that their loved one did this.  I know that if the tables were turned, I would definitely not want to believe that one of my loved ones did this, and yet when you google any one of the members of my family, there are no negative stories about them.  And certainly not any stories about them connected with a murder.  (As a matter of fact, I'm sure that if you google my older brother you'll see what an amazing and intelligent scientist that he is.)  But, the reality is a jury of Shannon Holmes peers found him guilty.  Until his family can accept that he indeed murdered and tortured my husband, they will never find any peace.  And quite frankly, I really don't care if they do or don't.  I have made my peace with the one person that reached out to me, and I'm alright with just that for now.  I will have to learn to release the rest of this anger and hate that I have despite the mud that is being slung in my face.  I know what the truth is, and I am finding some peace with it.  I don't need to defend myself because I know what the truth is and anyone that matters to me knows what the truth is as well.  What is being said is all smoke and mirrors trying to deflect from the reality that Shannon Holmes is a cold blooded murderer that will never see freedom again.  I will never be happy or overjoyed with that, but I am relieved.  And I have begun to find some peace with my new life and I will continue to do so.

1 comment:

  1. Ann, I know there is such a steps-forward-steps-back dance that goes on with widowhood, but you have so much else to deal with on top of that because of how Chris died - I think it would have to be some superhuman saint not to be angry about it. Letting go of resentment and hatred have never been talents of mine, so I certainly have nothing helpful to say in that regard... but I wish you whatever gives you peace and rest. Because what matters the most is getting that peace for yourself.