Thursday, September 2, 2010


Yesterday, I started out my day rather well.  Then I don't know what happened because I ended it crying myself to sleep...again.  Every time that it seems like things are getting better or at least easier to deal with, life slaps me in the face.  I just don't know what my purpose in life is anymore.  I don't know what I'm supposed to do.  When Chris was here, it was so easy.  I was supposed to be his wife, have his child and grow old with him.  Now that he is gone, what am I supposed to do?  I only wanted that life with him.  I would love to have a child, but I only wanted his child.  So, am I to die old and lonely?  I certainly hope not.  I'm not suicidal, but I just don't care anymore.  I really don't care what happens.

I am planning small things for the immediate future.  And of course I have my trip to Poland that I'm dreaming about.  But, is it enough?  Is it enough for me to keep waking up every morning?  I don't know.  So, here I sit pondering my future again.  I wish that I had a slight inkling of what my future holds.  Or to be more specific, what my purpose is.  I am struggling to figure this all out again.  I have always been the one with the answers, but I don't even have a clue right now.  So, I'll forge ahead for the time being and see where it takes me.

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