Friday, August 6, 2010

What Now?

So, I've said it over and over again, "I just have to get through the trial..." Well, I never really gave it much thought about what I would do next. Truth be told, I really didn't think that I would survive this long. Before I met Chris, I think that my purpose was to find him. And once I did, my purpose was to have a family with him. We had plans for at least one child, we both wanted a girl. And because I'd been pregnant in the past, we had already picked out names: Natalia Marie for a girl and Leland Michael for a boy. Now that Chris is gone, that dream is gone. While I would still love to have a child, I only want HIS child. Even dating another man seems preposterous to me, much less having a baby with someone else. While Chris may want me to move on, I am not ready and I do not want to. So, what exactly is my purpose in life? If you would have asked me that 2 weeks ago, it would be to make sure that his murderer was convicted for life. And now that he has been found guilty, what do I do?

I could always finish my degree. I'm only 44 credits away from a BS in molecular biology. But, what would that do for me? I will make so much more at my current job than to leave and get an entry level job somewhere else with that degree. I could also pursue a masters, which would give me more options. But, I can't concentrate on my current work load, how would I be expected to finish school?

I could always lobby to get the death penalty brought back to Michigan. I was delighted when one of the news stations asked if Michigan should have the death penalty and 96% of it's viewers went online and voted yes. It gives me some encouragement. But, I would have to do some serious statistic checking to make sure that I know all the facts in order to debate the issue. I may do it, because this was a case where the criminal had time to prevent it. He walked about 10 houses and across six lanes of traffic with a median. He had time to turn around. Not to mention all of the evidence that they found at his house, not to mention his witless girlfriend, Jennifer Evans, directed the police to the location of his bloody clothes. She actually said something along the lines of "he got away with a crime before by burning the evidence." Makes you wonder what type of crime requires one to burn the evidence doesn't it? So, I would love to see Shannon Maurice Holmes be put to death by the state. Unfortunately, in our case, it is too late. But, it might help someone else in the future. I also know that Chris was for the death penalty, he as a "fan" of it on facebook. So, it seems logical, but maybe I'm biting off more than I can chew?

But aside from that uphill battle, what am I supposed to do? I have been told to "move on" or "get over it". I really wish that the speakers of these comments would stand in my shoes for even a brief moment and then tell me that. I witnessed something absolutely horrific December 8, 2009. And to make matters worse, it was my husband that these unspeakable crimes were committed against. It is nearly impossible to "move on" or "get over" something like this. So, what now?

1 comment:

  1. At this point, given the horrific nature of what you went through, the hate and anger you feel seems normal and understandable. Maybe it helps you get through the day? Provides some kind of meaning or structure? But it's also eating you alive, sucking away energy you could use on other things. At some point which only you can determine, you might find you want to let go of it, and you might find yourself able to do that. When you one day let go of it--only when you decide to, you understand, not when others tell you to-- then you will be truly free from the person who murdered your husband--who at the moment is using up space in your head, rent-free.

    Anne Lamott said, "Not forgiving someone is like taking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die." You don't forgive because they deserve it; you let go of it to heal yourself, to set yourself free. One day you may be ready to do this, for your own sake.

    Thinking of you with compassion and concern for all of the suffering you are going through.