Monday, August 2, 2010

Waiting

We all have to wait at some time or another in our lives. Whether we are waiting for a bus, or a dinner table, we just sit back and wait. We find things to occupy our minds while we wait. Maybe we read, or make idle chit chat with someone. But, we find something to do while we wait, something to pass the time. When you become a widow, you have much bigger things to wait for.

You wait by the door for your spouse to come home. You can't read because you can't keep your mind on your book. Your mind keeps coming back to "when will he get home?" You can't make idle chit chat with anyone because, you're alone. You're always alone. Even in a crowd, you are always alone. You are alone because the one person that you want to be with you, to wait with you, is not there.

You wait in your bed for him to join you. While you wait in the dark, you start to remember that he isn't coming to bed. No matter how many times you smell his scent on his pillow, he won't rest his head on it. No matter how many times, you rumple up his sheets, he will never get in between them.

You wait to wake up from this nightmare. Every night, you wait for the morning to come because you think that in the morning, he will be next to you. You think that in the morning, it will be that fateful morning and you will posses the knowledge to prevent this nightmare from happening.

Most importantly, you wait to join him. You sit every day and every night with a longing to just be with him. You sit and think about how much life you had when your other half was with you. You think about the laughs that you shared. Then you think about the laughs that you will never share again, all the things that you had planned will never happen. So then, you wonder how much longer will it be? How will it happen? Those answers don't really matter as long as it will be soon.

Now, I have a special wait. I have to wait for the jury to render it's verdict. If you would have asked me last week, I would have said that I knew, without a doubt, how it would end. Now, I'm not so sure. I am waiting in anticipation. My stomach is in knots, I am reminded of exactly how I felt while I was waiting to hear that he was ok. But, he wasn't. I didn't get my reward for all of my waiting, I can only pray that I will get my reward tomorrow. I can only pray that the jury will come back with a guilty verdict, guilty of first degree murder.

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