Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Walk a Mile in My Shoes

I'm not sure why people, especially people that do not know me, think that they know how I should grieve. Why do people think that I should be "better" or "over this"?  This is not a minor loss that I suffered.  My life has forever been altered, and not in a good, beneficial way.  So, why at 8 months should I be ready to move on, take my wedding ring off, or stop lamenting about Chris?  Please step into my shoes and tell me if you experienced and saw what I did, that you would be ready to move on so quickly.  It was, still is, a  living nightmare that I cannot wake up from.  I felt like I literally walked on the set of CSI.  But, unfortunately, this is real, it is my life.

I also didn't know that there was an etiquette behind grieving.  I would like to know who the author is so that I can properly grieve for my husband.  According to people, some of which again do not know me, I either cry too much, or not enough.  Or I cry no tears (as if I would even allow such people to get close enough to me to see the tears flow.)  I would like to know something, are you peeping in my windows at night?  Are you following me in my car to monitor my moods?  Do you have cameras installed in my home, car and work?  Or have you just hired someone to monitor my moods for you?  I would really like to know, again, if you were in my shoes, how exactly would you react?  I have had time for the initial shock to wear off.  I can tell this story time after time without emotion because quite frankly, it isn't MY story, or OUR story.  It is just a story that I read or saw on TV.  I still don't believe what has happened.  I can't say it enough that I sit and wait for him to come home.  I want nothing more than for this to be false, for this to never have happened.

Also, are you a pharmacist filling my prescriptions at my pharmacy?  Do you know what medications that I am on (which is actually quite a lot)?  Do you know how these medications make me feel and how I react emotionally to things?  Or better yet, are you secretly attending my doctor's appointments, of which I have 2 - 3 a month?  Do you know that my medications are the only thing that are keeping me alive?  Because, even with all of the medications that I take, they only mask the pain.  NOTHING, will take it away.  All my medications do is keep me grounded and keep the grief from debilitating me.  While they are not perfect, because I still have days where I just cannot function because the grief consumes me and is so incredibly overwhelming, I can't get through my day without them. 

When I am alone, I let all of my emotions out.  I hate crying in front of others, mostly because I hate hearing the crap reactions that people say.  So, when the tears well up, I run. I hide. I do what I have to do to avoid letting people see me that way.  You can think what you want to think and say what you want to say, because if you are not understanding, then I really don't need you in my life.  And for the most part, the greatest offenders are people who actually aren't in my life and gratefully, never will be.

As I write this, and thinking of medications, I am starting to have a panic attack.  The sentencing for this monster is tomorrow, I think that is why I'm not getting any sleep.  Even though I know what the sentence will be, thankfully it will be life without parole, I still do not want to see this monster.  I keep hearing what a good and kind man he is; well if you sat where I sit in the courtroom and see the look that he gives, it is not the look of a good or kind man.  He does not show any remorse or sympathy, he is without feeling, a psychopath.  So, do I take a Klonapin to ease the panic and anxiety; or do I not take one and feel like crap?  Please let me know what you think that I should do so that I do not offend you with my emotions or lack thereof in court tomorrow.

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