Monday, August 30, 2010

Too much to ask for

I had a pretty decent day yesterday.  I met two amazing widows from this area.  And I had hope that it will get better.  I learned something very important from each of these women.  And I am grateful for having the opportunity to meet them.  I actually went to bed without being sad, I wasn't quite happy, but I definitly wasn't sad.  I actually thought that I would be able to survive this.  I still missed Chris, but I saw that I can still love and miss him and not be miserable.

But, I guess that two days in a row with that attitude is way too much to ask for.  I cannot stress enought that it seems when I take one step forward, I am taking one huge leap backward.  It started when I was talking to PG about the trial, the outcome and restitution.  Then I was talking to PR about Chris, the next thing I know, I'm full blown crying.  The tears were just streaming down my cheeks.  They still are.  I will take the tears and the sadness because I'm actually not angry or hateful, which is a good thing.  A very, very good thing.  I will take feeling like this anyday over feeling hate.  But, I really wish that I could have at least two days in a row where I don't cry when I talk about him.

1 comment:

  1. Ann, as ever, I know what you mean. I'll have good experiences in a given day, think I've made "progress" towards greater peace, and then the next moment feel like I've made no progress at all, it hurts so much.

    As people keep saying to me, I wish you peace for the day we're in today. And I'll keep wishing it for you and all of us every day.