Thursday, August 19, 2010

The Sentencing

Today was the sentencing for Shannon Maurice Holmes. I already knew that he was going to get life without parole. But, I wanted to have my say.  There was so much more that I wanted to say, but I had to cut it short.  The judge only allowed me to speak. The monsters sister wanted to speak, but the judge said that she had no right to speak and wouldn't allow it.  I wonder what she would have said, that he was a good, kind man and didn't do this?  Something like that would have been futile because I'm sure that in the judges eyes, he received a fair trial and was found guilty by 12 random, non biased people. 

I did get a bit of a lecture from the judge. She started out by saying how horrible this must be and she couldn't imagine what I was going through. Then she told me about forgiveness and that I had mentioned God... I did say in my statement that as a Christian, I am ashamed of the anger and hate and that I cannot forgive. She said that we can't pick and choose the doctrine and that I needed to find forgiveness and release my hate and anger, also how it would fester within me. She also said that I needed to start living my life again, if not for me, then for my husband and his memory. She said that as long as I hold on to the anger and let it consume me, I would let "the enemy" take control of my life. She basically said that it was over today and that I needed to find some peace and begin to heal.  I absolutely understand and do agree with her.  However, it is obvious that she has not lost a husband, especially in such a violent manner. It is so easy to tell someone that they need to let go of the anger and forgive.  It is very difficult and if I am able to do so, it will take time, a long time.

She did lecture him as well, and she wasn't as nice or understanding about it at all. She told him that he needed to stop blaming others for his crimes and mistakes. That he needed to take the blame and become a man.

I'm glad that it is over with. My husband's grandmother said it best today, "it felt like we were going to a funeral." Just the other day, I was thinking that my days were getting better despite a setback that I had and that once the sentencing was over, I would feel better. But, I don't. I actually feel worse. I feel more alone and empty than I did months ago. The wound feels fresh and hurts just as bad as the day it happened.  I do recognize how this anger and hate will affect me. I always thought of myself as a forgiving person, I really do care about people, yet right now, my grief is so overwhelming that I cannot see past it.  Maybe in time, I can find some forgiveness.  But, I think that unless this monster can admit to his crime and seek penance, it will not be easy.

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