Monday, August 16, 2010

I Don't Care

I hit a wall last night.  I am reverting back to the I don't care days.  The house just seemed too empty last night.  Every night, I reach over to his side of the bed and am reminded that he's not there.  I know that it seems so silly, but I just keep thinking that this was all a big mistake and that he's going to come home.  I'm just not ready to accept the reality of it.  Yet, it creeps up on me sometimes and I have to face it, whether I want to or not.  Why did this have to happen?  Why did that monster do this to Chris?  I hate that I have to start my life all over again, I don't want to do it, and I am just starting to give up.  Chris really was a wonderful man.  He had a heart of gold.  I keep thinking about our last vacation and how happy he was.  All he talked about was going back, just the two of us.  He loved his son, but he wanted time with just me up north.  I hate that the one weekend that we had planned on going, I wanted to stay home.  He loved the outdoors.  I wish so badly that I could go back and change everything about the last month of his life.  I wish that we would have taken that weekend trip.  I wish that I wouldn't have argued with him the couple of times that I did.  I wish that I was home that night.  I really would do anything to have him back.  And until I can figure out exactly how to live my life without him, I'm really not going to care about anything.

1 comment:

  1. Ann, you took a lot of the words right out of my mouth. Jerry's death was totally different from Chris's, but you echo so many of my own feelings. This just all really, really sucks.

    Thinking of you.