Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Healing

I am trying my best to release the anger and hate that I have right now.  I actually called Chris's cousin, who is a Catholic priest, and discussed it with him.  I have also been in touch with my own priest to find some healing.  They both said that what I am feeling is natural and expected.  Also the fact that I am bothered by it means that I will be able to heal.  It was also said that God will understand my feelings and when I am ready, He will help me release them.  However, it will take time.

I would really like to know how long this healing will take place.  This anger and hate that I feel is not me.  It is definitely not the woman that Chris fell in love with.  Trust me, I do not like this negativity to reside inside me.  I once said that this hate is like a disease, like a virus.  Well, it is.  It is spreading into other aspects of my life.  I have become less tolerant of people.  When someone says something that I don't like, I will immediately let them know exactly how I feel.  The old me would be able to just let small things slide.

I do understand that some of my posts have shown this anger.  It may be directed in various directions lately.  However, I feel this anger is justified.  What has happened was horrible.  I am finding it very hard to let go of this anger.  But, I have never lost my faith in God.  I have never blamed God for this tragedy.  I truly believe that it will be my faith that I will be able to release some of this hate and anger.

I once said that it would be easier to forgive if the forgiveness was asked for.  I don't mean that in order to receive forgiveness I must be asked to forgive.  I just mean that it will be so much easier.  Some of my hate has been directed at people who are close to Shannon.  I am not at all going to say that it is right, but I have my reasons.  Well, recently I was contacted by one of those people.  I decided not to publish the comment as I felt that it was a very personal statement.  But, I would like to say to this person thank you for your thoughtful comments.  You certainly did not ask for me to forgive anyone, but you showed some compassion.  Whether your comments were genuine or not, it has helped me lift some of the negative feelings that I have been harboring. 

1 comment:

  1. I have no words. My wife died at 47 and from cancer. However, I hope you can find some peace some day.

    ~ Barney

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