Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Guilty

Today was a victorious day for us, for Chris, me and our families. Today his killer, Shannon Maurice Holmes, was found guilty of first degree murder which carries a life sentence without the possibility of parole. The jury was swift in it's verdict. I really cannot say that I am happy. If I had to describe how I feel it would be relieved. But certainly not happy. Chris had to give his life for this verdict, so there is no happiness involved. It really was a sad day.

There were some things that I really wanted to say to this scumbag's family. But, I thought better of it. It wouldn't change anything except to make me feel better. And really, at the end of the day my beloved would still be gone and my anger would still be here. So, there is no point in telling his family what I think of them. I will get my chance to let them hear what I think of this murderer. I will choose my words very carefully, and I will deliver the speech that I have been preparing to give since December 8, 2009.

People have said that I am brave and strong, but I'm not. Chris is the one that was brave. He had to endure torture, pure torture. And he is the one that is strong, he fought like hell to survive. All that I did was retell his words that fateful night. I will never forget the events of that evening. I keep going over in my head the struggle. I have people that want to discuss it. Which really is fine, but only to an extent. There is a fine line where I can discuss it and where I find it unbearable. I can't rehash what happened that night, I can't discuss how various people think that it happened. All I know is that it was absolute hell for Chris, and I still have nightmares, even while awake, of what he went through. I suspect that it will never end, I will forever think of this tragedy.

Chris was a good man, a loving husband, and wonderful father. He certainly deserved better than this. Wherever he is, I hope that he can find some peace now. I feel that I can only begin to heal when I am certain that he is at peace.

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