Monday, August 9, 2010

The D Word

Yesterday was the 8 month mark to the date, tomorrow is the 8 month mark to the day of the attack.  I can't yet say the D-word in regards to Chris.  I did say it twice, and both times I had to stop what I was saying because I couldn't believe that I had said it.  I just don't want to believe that he's gone.  He wasn't just the love of my life, he was my life.  He was absolutely everything to me.  How can you just accept that half of you is gone?  I know that everyone is different and some people are able to say that their spouse has died.  But, I can't.  And I really don't have a reasonable answer as to why I can't say it.

An agent from the Department of Corrections called me today.  She wanted to know how this "loss" (my words, she used the dreaded D word) has affected me emotionally and financially.  I couldn't even say the word to her.  I can't even say the day he [d-word].  I have to say the day of the incident or I say that he passed away. It's almost like if I say the D-word I've accepted it.  But, I don't think that I ever will accept it.  I keep waiting for him to come home.  When I dream of him, the first words out of my mouth are "I've been waiting for you, where have you been?" 

Chris's grandmother once said to me "Chris is d**d".  I wanted to shout out "NO, he's not!"  Will I ever be able to say that word or not want to argue with someone that says that word?  I don't know, but I do know that I will never stop waiting for him to come home.


  1. I do use the d-word, and have since the beginning, but I totally get not using it too. Somehow I think I've managed to use it while not accepting what it really means. Interesting, what my mind is doing...

    No great wisdom from me... just continued best wishes for peace. Thinking of you, Ann.

  2. Thank you Karen. There is no rhyme or reason to our thinking these days.

    PS - I love seeing all of the photos and videos of you and Jerry!