Friday, August 20, 2010

A Community That I Didn't Know Existed

All my life I thought that widows were old, or at least older than I am.  They had a long life shared with their spouses.  I never gave a thought to those that are young and leave behind young spouses.  I really don't know which would be worse, living nearly a lifetime with your spouse and losing him, or living a short time with him and being robbed of that future.  I think that they are so dramatically different, yet no less painful.  But, we exist at any age, young or old.  Each and every person will unfortunately experience the loss of a loved one over our lifetime.  However, there is none like the loss of a spouse, especially when you both are young.  It seems like when a young life is lost, it's always tragic.  No matter how the loss was, it is tragic.  There's a reason for that, it's because the younger that you are, the more future that you have been robbed of.  Also, when you are young and just starting your family, the entire family has lost their future and they must take a different course through life.

Earlier this year, I was fortunate to meet some wonderful widows and widowers that are close to my age.   I think that I represent about the middle of the age range.  These men and women are remarkable.  Each story is different and unique, but we all share a bond.  And that bond is something that I cherish.  I would like to think that there are a few that I have a special friendship with now.  Yet, no matter how close we are or aren't, I know that I will always be able to lean on any one of them regardless of what he or she is dealing with at the moment that I need help.  I have found that even in my darkest moments if one of my widda friends needs me, I can forget about my woes and help out.  And yet, it helps me get through the darkness as well.  They are the ones that truly understand what we have lost and know that there is no gettting over it.

Last night was not a good night for me.  I truly thought that magically everything was going to be over yesterday.  But, as we all know nothing in life is that simple.  So, a great widow reached out to me and helped me.  We discussed at length what the judge had said to me.  She helped me really see what the judge was trying to say.  I think that after last night some of the fog is starting to clear.  I still have my anger, but it has lessened; she helped me realize that fogiveness is helpful, but that when I am ready to forgive, I will be able to do so.  She helped me realize that since there is no possibility of parole, there is no reason for me to even think about this monster that did this.  And she is absolutely right. 

For the first time since December, I have actually made plans for my future.  And I would have never been able to do it without the help of my widda friends.  They have actually walked a mile in my shoes, they know the hell that I go through everyday, and yet they are always there offering me some support.  All of my widda friends will always have a special place in my heart!

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