Sunday, August 29, 2010

Choices

Everyday we are faced with many choices.  Some are small, while others are major. But, there is one choice that we all make without even thinking about it.  It is the choice of how to react to situations.  Some reactions are automatic and natural, such as laughing or grieving.  But, it is the other choices that we are forced to make that we don't even realize that we had a choice.  I am talking about that we choose how we are going to react when someone upsets us.  Our automatic and natural response is to get angry.  And yes, that has been my go-to reaction when I have been upset lately.  However, I have decided that no matter what is said or written about me, I am not going to let it anger me.  I have been angry for far too long.  And, I am still angry about what has happened to Chris, that is an anger that will last for God knows how long.  But, I will not succumb to the adolescent name calling and accusations.

But, I have decided to find peace with people that I have been harboring so much anger towards.  I do understand that they are hurting and angry; they are looking for someone to blame.  I know in my heart and head that he is the one responsible for these unspeakable acts against my husband.  There is no doubt about it, and there was no doubt about it with the jury.  The very definition of a guilty verdict is that the crime was proven beyond a reasonable doubt.  Which means that the jury found that there in fact was proof in the evidence that was presented.  And hopefully, one day these people will realize that Shannon is indeed guilty.  I do not want nor expect an apology, but I do believe that the day of reckoning will come when Shannon will finally admit to his crimes.  I may be delusional, but I do believe that he will attempt to atone for his sins one day.  However, I don't think that day will come for a very long time.  I would like to think that he will someday admit his guilt.  And in the meantime, to his family and friends, I will pray that they will find some sort of peace.

I understand that it is hypocritical for me to be saying that others need to find peace when i am finding it so hard to do myself.  However, my husband is the one that was murdered; these people still have their loved one to see and talk to.  Before I can find peace with anyone, I need to find peace with what was done to him.  And, I cannot stress enough that what was done was stuff that nightmares are made of.  Each day that passes and I am without him, I am starting to really grasp that he is not coming home.  And with that realization brings me some peace.  I know that I have a long road ahead of me, but I am going to choose to release this anger and hate little by little.  It has been difficult, and I may never be to the point where I can forgive.  However, I can be to the point where I forget about the players in this nightmare that I have called my life.  So, I am making the choice today to begin my healing.

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