Friday, July 2, 2010

"Mourning" coffee

I realized yesterday that I have mourning coffee now. I used to have morning coffee with Chris almost every morning, excpet the ones where he had to go to work. We would sit on the porch, drink our coffee and talk about life. Sometimes we would reminisce about our pasts. Sometimes we would talk about our daily plans. And other times, my favorite conversations, we would discuss our plans for the future. I no longer have a coffee maker that makes a pot of coffee, it was broken back in December. So, my wonderful parents bought me a single cup coffee maker. What a wonderful invention!! In the early days of his passing, while drinking a cup of coffee, I thought about how we would never have our coffee again. It was always a wonderful way to start our day. Our days of sitting on the porch planning our future was gone. I still have coffee now, but I have yet to sit out on the porch and drink it. As a matter of fact, I have not sat out on the porch at any time since November of last year.

Coffee isn't the only thing that has changed. Before Chris, it never bothered me to come home to an empty and quiet house. Now, I leave the tv on most of the time because I can't stand coming home when it's dark and quiet. Besides, the flickering of the tv makes it look like someone is home. I have to leave it on a sleep timer at night so that when I fall asleep I can pretend that he is downstairs. I used to always sleep facing him in bed. Now, I can't stand to look at his side when it is empty. I used to love to bake and cook. Now, I can't hold a knife that is bigger than a steak knife in my hands. When I heard news, he was the first one that I called. Now, I just wait to tell someone, or I'll post it on facebook because HE is the one that I want to tell the news to first. I used to send him little love texts and messages. Now, I know that he will never read them. When I used to go to sleep, I would read in bed. Now, I can't read before bed because I can't concentrate. When I would go home for my lunch, he would make me such delicious things. Now, I warm something up in the microwave or eat fast food. On the weekends, we would sit down for dinner with his son and discuss all the things that his son did in school. Now, my dining room table is littered with "junk" and I never sit there. When I was with Chris, I cared about how I looked for him. Now, I'm lucky if I wash my hair every other day. When Chris was still alive, I cared about living, I cared about living life to the fullest. Now, I don't care about anything anymore, I don't care about living, dying, anything!

There is so much change in my life that I am having a hard time adapting to it. I keep wondering why this had to happen? Why Chris? Why weren't we prepared for something like this? (Well, I know why we weren't prepared, we never thought in a million years that this would happen.) Nothing would change if I had the answers, it would just be nice to know.

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