Sunday, July 25, 2010

I Like the Way It Hurts

As I was running errands today the song "I Love the Way You Lie" by Eminem kept coming on the radio. Not just the song, but every time I heard it, it was the line "I like the way it hurts." That line really hits home for me. It may sound silly, but I like the way this hurts. I understand that people don't like to hurt, unless you are a sadomasochist, which I am not!! But, I hurt so much inside and I have come to like it. I have hurt for so long that I actually miss it when it's not here. The pain that I feel can be so intense and so unlike anything that I've ever felt before. But, it is a direct reflection of the love that I have for Chris. I feel guilty if I'm not hurting, like I'm forgetting him. Or maybe that I just don't love him enough to hurt anymore. I have never met anyone before that made me feel the way that he did. He really is my soul mate. Someone said to me that when you lose a parent or grandparent you are mourning the past, when you lose a child, you are mourning the future. But, when you lose a spouse, you mourn the past, present and future. That is so true.

I woke up this morning and without thinking rolled over to rub his back. It wasn't until my hand hit the pillow that I remembered. It's something so small that I would never do again. He loved to fall asleep to me rubbing his back and that's how I would wake him up in the morning, especially when I made him breakfast in bed. Then I started to cry because at that very moment I should have been rubbing his back, not the pillow (mourning the present). I cried because that is what I used to do so many mornings (mourning the past) and lastly, I cried because I would never do that again (mourning the future.)

It's the very smallest of things that can make me cry, and the tears are coming for three reasons. This has to be the most intense pain that anyone will ever have to endure. Yet, I welcome it. I welcome it with open arms and embrace it. Not really because I like the pain itself, but because I loved, still love and always will love him. As long as the hurt is there, I will be reminded of the love that we shared. I know that I will never forget his touch, his face, his breath, his love, etc. But, as long as the hurt is here, I know that it was real.

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