Thursday, July 22, 2010

I cried today

I went to court this morning and it really went as expected, yet I cried. I mean, I really cried, which surprised me since I'm usually in control of my emotions. I think that my emotions are getting out of control because it's getting closer to the trial date. I kept saying to myself, "I just need to make it through the trial...then all bets are off." Well, now it's almost here. I cried today not because of that scumbag, but because of the immense sorrow that I feel for not having Chris on this earth. He really was a wonderful man. He was improving his life and made that all important decision the day before he taken from us. This world was a much better place with Chris in it. Every life that he touched was much better because he was a part of it.

I cried for Chris and how terrified he must have been. Nobody deserves what happened to him. I can't even begin to imagine what he had to endure that night. I can't imagine what was going through his mind when the scumbag forced his way through the door and attacked him. Yet, I can't get the images out of my head. I keep reliving that night. I keep seeing how the house looked when I went in. I keep seeing the manger. I keep seeing him, laying on the floor. I keep seeing his face. And strangely, I keep seeing images of him struggling because I saw him; I saw what was done to him and I know exactly what was done to him. I keep wondering "what if..."

I cried for myself. I don't know how to begin to live my life now that half of me has been ripped away. A wonderful and caring friend recently told me not to let this man kill me too. But, it's too late. I am a zombie, the walking dead. I am numb most of the time; and to be honest, I probably look the part most of the time too. When this scumbag decided to do this, he also decided to plunge the dagger in my heart as well. A huge part of me is gone and I'm almost to the point where I am realizing that he is not coming back. (No, I don't literally think that he is coming back. I just want it so badly my mind is tricking me!)

So, today I cried for what was and what will never be. I should not have been in the courtroom today mourning the loss of Chris. I should have been sipping my coffee on the porch planning my future with Chris. We had plans, we had a future. How am I supposed to continue my life? My life as I knew it has been destroyed. I will never get it back, and I will never fulfill our plans.

1 comment:

  1. Heartbreaking, and I know there's nothing I can say to help... but just know I'm reading your words and feeling them.