Tuesday, July 13, 2010

But then I remembered...

This past weekend was the US 12 cruise. I drove down Michigan Ave. a few times, out of necessity instead of fun. I had this odd feeling that Chris was at the cruise. I had my nephews until about 5pm. Even when we had a late lunch, I picked up the phone to tell him where we were going. But, then I remembered... When I dropped the boys off, I picked up the phone to call him to let him know that I was on my way home. But, then I remembered... I actually managed to pick up from the boys. The main point that they were there for was to help me clean and get the house ready for a housemate. Unfortunately, the house looked much worse after they left than when they arrived. So, as I was cleaning I kept waiting for Chris to come home. I kept looking at the clock. I was worried. Mostly worried that he was drinking and was out with God-knows-who. Several times, I picked up my phone to call and "check in" with him. But, then I remembered...

This new life is so difficult. I never before met anyone that brought the joy to my life like Chris did. I never before met anyone that I wanted to share my bed, my house, my life with. Chris was "the one". I never in a million years thought that I would have to live without him. I always thought that I'd be the one to go first. But, I still imagined a life with him in our golden years. I am having such a difficult time adjusting to life without him. I sometimes wonder what if it were true that he was going to leave me. (Yes, I know that it is definitely not true.) But, I wonder how life would be like if I couldn't have him, but he was still here. I would take it over this life. I always told him that if he wasn't happy with me, he could leave. I always said that if he could find what he was looking for and be happier with someone else, then to leave. The only thing that I ever wanted for him was to be happy, even if he was happy with someone else. I would like to think that he was happy with me. People tell me that he was happy and spoke about how wonderful his life was with me. I trust them because they don't need to say anything at all; good or bad. There are only three people, all in a close knit circle that say that he was going to leave me. These are all the same people that didn't want me to marry him in the first place. One of them flat out said that I shouldn't marry him and I believe that she is the puppet master. OK, now that I've gone off on a major tangent... All I ever wanted for Chris was to make him happy. I seriously hope that I succeeded. When I think about the happy times that we have, it seems like he is still here with me. But, then I remember...

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