Wednesday, July 14, 2010

All About Me

So, I have a dilemma: I really think that I need to lose weight, but really, why should I? I hate the way that I look and feel. I absolutely hate it. There isn't a spot on my body that I like right now. I hate my hair, but that will be fixed soon. I have a "butterface", just without the smokin' hot body. I used to like my boobs, but not since gravity said "hello." My neck is like someone inflated it like a little scooter tire. I feel like I'm the star in one of those belly fat commercials. That would be the "do you suffer from belly fat?" scenes; definitely not the "but you could look like this" scenes. My butt is like JLo on steroids. My thighs have gone beyond thunder thighs, more like tree trunk from a huge redwood tree thighs. My calves have lost that nice muscular definition that once upon a time was so attractive. I think that my new calves have crept up on my ankles and are smothering them! I can hear them cry "help" with every step. My feet seem to be getting wider and wider, which really shouldn't come as a shock to me. So, where is the dilemma you ask? I mean the logical thing to do would be to eat right, exercise, and get back into shape. Which yes, I would love to fit into that hideous excuse for a prom dress again. I would love to be a size six and look thin as a rail. But, I really don't feel like getting out of bed to do what's right. I still (yes STILL) can't pick up a knife to cut fruits or vegetables, so healthy cooking is hard to do. Besides, I think I might need to hire a maid service just to clean the kitchen. I just don't see the point in getting back into shape. I really want to join Chris, really, really badly. But, being in the shape that I'm in now it's more likely than not that I'll be with him sooner. So, I see it as I'm just helping what will eventually happen come a little sooner on it's own. Well, then you could always say: Gosh, you looked so good when you were thinner, you liked yourself. And you just gave a long list of the things that you hate about your body, so this will help you feel better about yourself. Yeah, but back then I actually cared what other people thought of the way that I look. What do I really care what anyone else thinks of me now? I especially don't want to look good to find a man like I did years ago. I love Chris, he is the only man that I want to be with. I think that if I were with another man in any capacity other than friendship, I will feel like I'm cheating on him. So, I really don't need to look good for anyone else. So, I hate myself more and more each day. Yet, I can't find a good enough reason to do what's necessary to like myself again. What's a girl to do?

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