Friday, June 4, 2010

Things that I HATE!!

I like lists, they bring some sort of order into my disorderly world. Chris liked lists too. It was always refreshing to see you cross things off a large list. It was progress. Lately, though, I just don't have the energy to make lists. But, boy do I need to start again. There are so many things that need to be done around my house and I just know if I made a list of the small things that need to be done, then all of the big things would be accomplished without even realizing it. That's the beauty of lists. But, I just don't have the energy. I guess I'm just too lazy to write the list.

But, there is one list that I can write right now....that is a list of things that I hate.

I hate Shannon Holmes.
I hate Jennifer Evans.
I hate that I have to drive past their house every single day.
I hate reliving that night every night on my way home from work.
I hate coming home to a quiet house.
I hate that my house is so incredibly messy.
I hate that I won't have anyone over anymore because the house is so messy.
I hate my lunch hour.
I hate eating dinner alone.
I hate that I still think that he's going to walk through the door at any moment.
I hate when I realize that he's not going to walk through the door at any moment.
I hate crying myself to sleep every night.
I hate going to sleep alone every night.
I hate waking up alone every morning.
I hate that I don't want to get out of bed every single day.
I hate that I have to get out of bed every single day.
I hate that I sometimes "forget" what has happened.
I hate when I suddenly realize what has happened.
I hate that I want to call him every time I hear some news or when I want to say "I love you".
I hate that he will never be at the other end of the phone when I want to call him.
I hate that I have to leave the downstairs tv on a sleep timer at night to feel like he's still downstairs watching tv.
I hate when I wake up to a quiet house and realize that he's not just downstairs watching tv.
I hate when people tell me to "get over it" or "you have to move on".
I hate when people compare widowhood to a divorce, or the loss of a pet.
I hate when people don't want to talk about him.
I hate those people that act like they knew him better than anyone.
I hate the person that said at his funeral "He got what he deserved."
I hate those people that kick me now that I'm down.
I hate going to court so much for nothing.
I hate seeing the monsters's smug face and evil eyes when I do go to court.
I hate seeing the monster's girlfriend's smug face and evil eyes when I do go to court.
I hate that this monster can't just "man up" and admit his crime.
I hate that he can play the justice system like it's some sort of game.
I hate when people pester me.
I hate when people leave me alone.
I hate being lonely.
I hate that I will never be a mother.
I hate all of this hate that I have in my heart.
I hate this new identity of widow.
I hate this new life.
But most of all, I hate that my wonderful dear Christopher was murdered.

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