Thursday, June 17, 2010

How am I?

I think that people think that I should be ok now. I know that those close to me don't want to hear how I'm really feeling, nor do those that aren't so close. I think that they ask how I'm doing just to be polite. They want to hear, "I'm doing good" or at least OK. They don't want to know how I still cry at night, or how I still leave the tv on downstairs. They certainly don't want to know that I still day dream about joining him. Everyday!!! This new life is hard, I think that it's hard on everyone. While everyone may still be mourning for Chris, I think that they want me to be ok. Well, I'm not ok. I don't think that I will ever be ok. Losing a spouse has to be one of the most difficult things that a person can ever endure in life. How can I be ok at six months out? My life still doesn't have any purpose. I haven't figured out how to get out of bed at a reasonable hour yet. I miss him maybe more now than I did the first day because now the reality of it all is starting to hit me. I logically know that it isn't a horrible mistake. Yet, I still wait for him to come walking in the door with some crazy excuse why he hasn't been home. I can't properly explain how heart wrenching this is. My head knows the truth, but my heart just won't believe it. One of these days, I just might tell someone the truth about how I feel when I'm asked. But, to be honest, I don't think that some people really care. I know that there are people in my life that do care, but they want me to be ok. Maybe they don't know how to 'deal' with me not being ok. They want me to not cry anymore. They want me to "move on". There is no moving on from losing your soulmate. It's almost like losing a limb, your mind can "feel" it there and even tries to move it. But, when you look, it's not there. Your brain has a hard time processing it. Even after years, you think that it's there and it's not. I still think that Chris is here. I talk to him everyday. Sometimes, when my back is to his side of the bed, it feels like he is right there when I'm talking to him. And when I don't get a response, I have to turn and see that he's not there. I don't know if or when I'll be ok, good or fine. But, that is because Chris and I had a special bond that nobody could break. No matter how hard they tried. We were meant for each other. Our paths crossed so many times during our lives. But, it was that one magical day that we actually met face-to-face. I remember so much about that day, even down to what we both were wearing. I knew in my heart and head that we were meant to be. I know that we will be reunited one day, but until then, I have to put on my game face and pretend that I'm doing ok.

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