Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Feelings

I feel like I'm on the worst rollercoaster ride of my life. Yesterday was the six month anniversary or sadiversary. I normally do not cry in front of anyone, but I just let it all out, all day too. I cried at work, in front of a new person too. I had to tell him why so that he didn't think that I am a crazy person. I really didn't tell him much, just that Chris was gone and it was the six month mark and I was coming in early to go to a new support group. The new group was good, small, but good. I couldn't believe that I'd cried throughout the entire group. I cried on the way there and on the way home. I hadn't cried as much since his funeral. Of course, I cried myself to sleep.

But, today, I feel better. I cried a little bit, but not any more than any other day. My chest still feels tight, and I still feel the raw emotion to cry, but just can't muster the tears. I guess, I feel numb today. I almost hate this feeling. It's a feeling of having no feelings at all. I couldn't even laugh at something that on a normal day, would have me knee slapping happy. And, I feel tired. I feel like I could fall asleep sitting up. I woke up around 10 and let the dogs out then went right back to bed. I feel like I'm reverting backwards and not moving forward. This is exactly the way that I felt early on. I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning. I slept, actually slept not just lingered in bed, until the last possible moment. I actually had to set my alarm to go off when I needed to get up. I thought that by now, I should be sleeping better and crying less. But, I'm not.

I hear of people near six months out and dating. I can't even fathom those feelings. I feel like I'm still married, I believe that I will be married to Chris for eternity. Someone told me yesterday that I need to remove my rings and start living. Easy for him to say, his wife is still very much alive. Then he compared his divorce to losing Chris. He did say that it's not the same, but... But, his wife chose to leave him, Chris didn't choose to leave me. I still have the feeling that he's coming home. I know logically that he's not ever going to walk through the door again. But, I can't help but fight this reality. So, my emotions will go really high some days and really low other days. You would think that since I'm bipolar, I would be used to this. But, no this is so different. It's unlike anything that I have ever experienced before. And I never want to experience it again. I want off this crazy ride. I want my husband back so that everything will go back to normal.

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